[The camp is sleeping. RICK is sitting by the perpetually burning Volt taking the first watch.]

ZOMBIE JOHN KERRY: (Beckoning toward RICK with his head and speaking through his muzzle.) Ahm nah a zombah.

RICK: What?  Are you trying to speak?

ZOMBIE JOHN KERRY: (Nodding his head vigorously) Yaa.  Yaaa. Nah a zombah.

RICK: Are you trying to tell me you are not a zombie?

ZOMBIE JOHN KERRY: (Nodding his head vigorously) Yaaaaa. Yaaaa.

RICK: (Pulls his revolver and holds it against Kerry’s temple) I’m gonna pull down your muzzle.  If you so much as flinch, I’ll pull the trigger.  You understand?

ZOMBIE JOHN KERRY: (Nods once)

RICK: (Pulls down the muzzle)

ZOMBIE JOHN KERRY: Oh, thank Marx.  John Kerry reporting for duty.  I’d salute you, but that crazy wench cut my arms off.

RICK: What about the other one?  Is she not a zombie either?

KERRY: Oh, I’m pretty sure Nancy’s been a zombie for years.  Her brain activity flat-lined over a decade ago.  She’s been trying to hide the deterioration with the Botox, but we insiders have suspected it for a long time.

RICK: That makes no sense.  Then why hadn’t she been feasting upon Congress for all those years?

KERRY: For the same reason I’m still uneaten right now.  For some reason, the zombies left most of the Senators and Representatives completely alone.  They would see us and just amble right on by.  Like we weren’t even there.  Occasionally they would sniff my head and give a grunt of disgust, but that was the worst of it.  It makes perfect sense when you think of it.  We are the intellectual elites, so I figure our brains are way too rich for the zombies, so they just leave us be.

RICK: Yeah, I’m sure that’s the reason.

KERRY: I was completely safe until that crazy lady came along.  I did what you are supposed to do when the zombies come out to play.  I went to the mall.  I was gonna get me a chainsaw, but I couldn’t figure out how to start any of the ones I could lift, and I got blisters just picking up the axes, so I headed up the escalator to try on some pumps and maybe see if there was any Just For Men that hadn’t been looted yet.  And some bath salts, perhaps.  But, half way up the escalator, the power suddenly went out.  I was trapped between floors on the escalator.  I didn’t know what to do.  I sat and waited for a bit, but I got bored with my own thought.  So I called for security to help, and they came, but they were all zombies.  And before you know it, both the up and the down sides of the escalator were overrun, and I was pinned there among zombies who were clearly not happy to see me.  I hadn’t felt so unwelcome since the 2004 Democratic National Convention.

RICK: So I guess you are gonna tell me how you heroically escaped now?

KERRY: Oh no.  I was good and trapped.  Until Michelle showed up. No matter what I said, she refused to believe I wasn’t a zombie cause why weren’t the zombies eating me?  And before I knew it, I was muzzled and armless and chained next to Nancy.  At least Nancy has stopped trying to seduce me at night. I can’t stand women.  Unless they have exorbitant amounts of money.  Then I can pretend.  But Nancy only had a large amount. Not nearly enough.

RICK: So what can you tell me about Michelle? She seems a little off to me.

KERRY: Loony toons!  What do you think?  She cut my freakin’ arms off.  And she’s carting me around like some zombie pet. She’s full on Beckel-on-a-binge nuts!  Has she told you her theory yet?

RICK: The one about the telepromptor and the zombie-free zones?

KERRY:  Oh no.  Not that one.  The crazy one.  I swallowed ObamaCare, Anthropogenic Global Warming and John Edwards’ fidelity, but I can’t even get this past my lips.  Michelle is convinced that this zombie outbreak is the natural consequences of bad nutrition.  And she thinks if we can just get the zombies to follow her nutrition guidelines, they will settle down and be normal, productive members of society again.  You gotta help me.  I’m wasting away.  You know what I have had to endure for the last seven months.  Nothing but force fed wheat grass smoothies.  Every freakin’ day.  Your brain sounds sooooooo tasty right now.  I’m actually drooling.

RICK: Well, I think I’ve heard enough for now.  (Begins to put the muzzle back on Kerry).

KERRY: No.  Wait what are you doi….

RICK: You politicians talk too much.  And my father proudly served in Viet Nam.  In a swift boat.  Good night, zombie John Kerry.  I doubt we’ll talk again.