"Look, they're not all gonna be winners" – ok to say when brainstorming, not ok when pointing at one of your children

— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) June 18, 2013

*intercom comes on* "Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face"

— Matt (@MattElGato) June 23, 2013

Always hearing about how ants are so "successful" but I've never seen one who owns a boat.

— BillCorbett (@BillCorbett) June 23, 2013

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it'll take me to dig my own grave.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 24, 2013

Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

— Condescending Wonka (@WaryWillyWonka) June 24, 2013

News just said a heat wave is coming, I should "drink lots of water". That's all well and good but HOW DO I BREATHE AND DRESS MYSELF? HELP!

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) June 27, 2013

If you ever get the chance to try Russian food, try to befriend your captors.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) June 30, 2013

That awkward moment when it puts the lotion on its skin but you kinda wanted to use the hose again.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) July 1, 2013

Never know what to say at funerals. “Sorry I ran over him” just feels so hollow.

— Seth MacFarlane (@SethMacFarlane) July 1, 2013

Ask not 4 whom the bell tolls. It tolls 4 thee, and at a price that won't take a "toll" on your budget. Name's Miller. I'm a bell salesman.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 17, 2013

"I’m gonna get a tattoo that says 'Helvetica', written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her.”

— Shelby White (@ShelbyWhite) June 17, 2013

Lucius Fox tenders resignation if Obama does not destroy PRISM machine.

— Andrew Kaczynski (@BuzzFeedAndrew) June 17, 2013

"hey jay" "sup world war" "how u doin' dragon ball" – the z family reunion

— Andy Levy (@andylevy) June 17, 2013

So, to sum up, Snowden was surprised that the NSA spies on people, thinks Hong Kong is free, and that you can pet a phoenix.

— jimgeraghty (@jimgeraghty) June 17, 2013

"Shot through the heart, and you're to blame." – terrible Bon Jovi song, great Bon Jovi suicide note

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) June 17, 2013

Is what Miss Utah said any more incoherent than the dumbest thing Chris Matthews says in any given week?

— Kyle Smith (@rkylesmith) June 17, 2013

I still don't understand what's so objectionable about having to show ID in order to vote. Won't people have to show ID to get Obamacare?

— Kevin Eder (@keder) June 17, 2013

They never call Guitar Hero by its other name: Everything Else Disappointment.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) June 17, 2013

I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team

— Rob Fee (@robfee) June 17, 2013

French people give me the crepes.

— Bad Apple (@antijokeapple) June 17, 2013

Does Alex Jones observe False Flag Day?

— Razor (@hale_razor) June 14, 2013

"Wait… ALL dogs go to heaven?" -Guy in heaven after being murdered by dogs

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) June 14, 2013

1: Give birth to identical twins 2: Keep one completely secret for years 3: Send both to alcoholic uncle's intervention

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) June 14, 2013

Looking forward to the Edward Snowden downloadable content for “Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?”

— John Hayward (@Doc_0) June 12, 2013

Why buy an expensive massage chair when I can throw a few cats in a bean bag chair for FREE?

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) June 12, 2013

The groove is in the heart. A congenital defect. You have maybe 6 weeks to live.

— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) June 12, 2013

My obituary will read, “He never knew how to work blinds.”

— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) June 12, 2013

Best part of “Man of Steel”?: Adam West shows up at the end to talk to Superman about the “Justice League Initiative”.

— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) June 12, 2013

My parents told my sisters and me that the divorce wasn’t our fault and now that I have children of my own I know they were lying.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) June 11, 2013

Promise me Russell Crowe doesn’t sing in this new Superman movie.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) June 11, 2013

How do you tell someone you want to be less than friends?

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) June 11, 2013

The most corrupt branch of the Obama administration: the media.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 11, 2013

I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.

— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) June 11, 2013

Environmentalist hipsters who dress up as loggers are dreadfully confusing. Do you want trees cut down or not?

— Mark Driscoll (@PastorMark) June 11, 2013

I bet at the end of Game of Thrones we find out everything that happened was all in the imagination of an old fat guy with a beard.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) June 10, 2013

“Lol, are you seeing this?” – fish watching us swim

— Rory Patrick (@RorynotRoy) June 10, 2013

My pitch for The Purge 2: What if crime was legal for TWO days a year?

— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) June 10, 2013

chocolate just tastes better when you pretend a fat German kid drowned in it

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) June 10, 2013

A good way to guarantee your kid never shaves their head is to tattoo “My mom is the coolest!” on it when they’re a baby.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) June 10, 2013

Crime scene: The Invisible Man lies dead, decapitated by an invisible fence. Police officer, “Move along, people. Nothing to see here.”

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) June 11, 2013

I just sprayed a spider with water sealant and now he’s probably an unstoppable killing machine.

— MJ (@sucittaM) June 11, 2013

Breaking: Obama surprised to find out reality is not scripted by Aaron Sorkin

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 7, 2013

“Bear with me here.” — less-than-ideal way to announce that there is a bear with you

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 7, 2013

Trying to think of something more unnecessary than a bank robber telling me not to be a hero.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) June 7, 2013

They should make Purge 2 a comedy, and it should be the OWS attacking the rich people mansion belonging to the cast of Duck Dynasty.

— Larry Correia (@monsterhunter45) June 7, 2013

I’d like to apologize to the schizophrenic rambling half naked homeless guy outside Wendys.Turns out you were right about the government

— Ben (@BenK84) June 7, 2013

I can’t wait to start couples therapy. I totally know I’m going to win.

— Nic Cage Match (@NicCageMatch) June 8, 2013

*throws salt in wife’s face* Oh sorry honey, I thought you were one of those giant sausages from Burgertime.

— patrick (@tastefactory) June 10, 2013

live every day like it’s earth day (i ignore earth day)

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) June 6, 2013

FUN FACT: Births were invented by Hallmark to sell more birthday cards.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) June 6, 2013

To do:1.Read one book.2.Ask someone if they’ve read that book.3.Act incredulous when they say no.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) June 6, 2013

If you didn’t want you internet usage monitored, you should have read the Users Agreement before you signed your birth certificate.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 7, 2013

Dude what if Siri is really an NSA technician

— Spencer Ackerman (@attackerman) June 7, 2013

If you get caught picking your nose, quickly shove the booger up the other person’s nose and then when they pick it out, they’re the weirdo.

— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) June 7, 2013

Protip: if you’re ever stranded somewhere and don’t have AAA, text stuff like “yeah 9/11” and “Allah akbar” TO ANY NUMBER for a free pickup!

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) June 7, 2013

Too bad anti-stalker laws exclude the government.

— Jon Gabriel (@ExJon) June 7, 2013

“Derp” sounds like one of mythological creatures M. Night Shyamalan invented for “Lady In the Water.”

— Ross Douthat (@DouthatNYT) June 5, 2013

Most female sloths are monogamous because their walks of shame can be up to 3 weeks long.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) June 5, 2013

If ancient peoples had to type with the sun shining right in their eyes, they may not have worshiped it.

— Josh Greenman (@joshgreenman) June 5, 2013

Fascism is forever falling on Republican Presidencies but landing on Democratic ones.

— DepressiveBlogger69 (@AceofSpadesHQ) June 6, 2013

Re the NSA scandal: Susan Rice just blamed season two of the Wire

— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) June 6, 2013

One tragedy of firearm violence calls for an overhaul of gun rights, but systematic IRS abuse is fixed by shuffling people around. #LibLogic

— Razor (@hale_razor) June 4, 2013

Did you know?: The entire world population of clowns could fit inside a standard school bus.

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) June 4, 2013

Twitter is where I get to see the thoughts of everyday, regular stupid people that I’ve excluded from my actual life.

— DepressiveBlogger69 (@AceofSpadesHQ) June 4, 2013

Game of Thrones will really surprise people next year when in the ninth episodes they kill off actual viewers. #got

— Matt Fowler (@TheMattFowler) June 3, 2013

Today’s JournoList Playhouse secret word is “overreach.” Scream real loud!

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) June 3, 2013

ME: “Doctor, I’ve got a weird mole on my back.”MOLE: “Actually, I’m a groundhog.”ME: “SHUT UP, WEIRDO!”

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) June 3, 2013

Was thinking about having a Shyamalan film fest at my house for the insurance money

— Steve Murray (@NPsteve) June 3, 2013

To buy a house equivalent to my Utah home in my in laws’ California town would cost a stupid 4 million. And then it would be in California.

— Larry Correia (@monsterhunter45) June 4, 2013

Girls are like tornadoes because in pictures it’s like wow those look cool but in person it’s all omg what do I do

— Nick Toplass (@TitaniumToplass) May 30, 2013

Two dots is probably enough for an ellipsis. I mean, we get the idea.

— Josh Greenman (@joshgreenman) May 30, 2013

TV is a medium, because it’s neither rare nor well done.

— Michael Z Williamson (@mzmadmike) May 30, 2013

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say ketchup packets could be like three times bigger.

— Jordan Peele (@JordanPeele) May 31, 2013

YOU make some noise. You’re the one with the band and the microphone.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) May 28, 2013

The vegan option at my Memorial Day barbecue is “leave.”

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) May 27, 2013

So You Think You Can Dance: reality show title AND a great thing to yell accusingly at strangers on a bus.

— BillCorbett (@BillCorbett) May 27, 2013

Islam means peace the way Obama means hope

— Bosch Fawstin (@BoschFawstin) May 26, 2013

“Are you my mommy?” is a terrible pickup line.

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) May 26, 2013

My friend Phillip had his lip removed today. We call him Phil now.

— antijokeapple (@antijokeapple) May 26, 2013

Helen Keller wasn’t on speaking terms with any of her family when she died

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) May 25, 2013

I learned to be a pizza delivery man like everyone does: By surprise handcuffing myself to a working delivery man and whispering “teach me.”

— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) May 24, 2013

Olive Garden: We’re All About “Hospitaliano” (Meaning Our Food Is From An Italian Hospital)

— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) May 23, 2013

You know what they say, the three most important things about real estate are: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beettlejuice.

— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) May 23, 2013

Holder: “The dog ate my recusal letter. The President ate the dog.”

— Cuffé (@CuffyMeh) May 15, 2013

The main function of the White House is apparently to read 3-day old newspapers.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 15, 2013

Stop telling me that civil service people are “hard to fire.”That alone is a scandal…

— Ari Fleischer (@AriFleischer) May 15, 2013

Hot singles in your area are eager to hunt you for sport.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) May 15, 2013

The olive oil store near my home: oil in stainless steel urns, hand written, pretentious placards. If only I could pay w/white-hot loathing.

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) May 16, 2013

“Don’t be so political!” – politician.

— Cuffé (@CuffyMeh) May 13, 2013

BREAKING! Obama Blames IRS Scandal On Anti-Accountant YouTube video

— Jeff Dunetz (@yidwithlid) May 13, 2013

You want better care for women? How about you subject Planned Parenthood to the same health standards as say, your local freaking nail salon

— Amanda Carpenter (@amandacarpenter) May 13, 2013

Jack Bauer has been gone for so long the 24 universe’s America must look like Cormac McCarthy’s The Road

— Peter B. Counter (@peterbcounter) May 13, 2013

Government is just the word we use for things we do together, like audit political enemies and monitor journalists’ phone calls.

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) May 13, 2013

“Vengeance is mine,” saith the Lord. “Dibs on the leftovers,” saith the Batman.

— The Batman (@TheBatman) May 14, 2013

Soon, Obama will vow to get to the bottom of who’s currently running the executive branch.

— Kevin Eder (@keder) May 14, 2013

“Aw dude you JUST missed Iron Man he was here literally three seconds ago!” – Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD, every week

— Jon Lovett (@jonlovett) May 14, 2013

Did the IRS give The Human Fund extra scrutiny?

— Sean Hackbarth (@seanhackbarth) May 14, 2013

I write jokes but they never write back

— donni (@donni) May 14, 2013