YOU make some noise. You’re the one with the band and the microphone.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) May 28, 2013
The vegan option at my Memorial Day barbecue is “leave.”
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) May 27, 2013
So You Think You Can Dance: reality show title AND a great thing to yell accusingly at strangers on a bus.
— BillCorbett (@BillCorbett) May 27, 2013
Islam means peace the way Obama means hope
— Bosch Fawstin (@BoschFawstin) May 26, 2013
“Are you my mommy?” is a terrible pickup line.
— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) May 26, 2013
My friend Phillip had his lip removed today. We call him Phil now.
— antijokeapple (@antijokeapple) May 26, 2013
Helen Keller wasn’t on speaking terms with any of her family when she died
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) May 25, 2013
I learned to be a pizza delivery man like everyone does: By surprise handcuffing myself to a working delivery man and whispering “teach me.”
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) May 24, 2013
Olive Garden: We’re All About “Hospitaliano” (Meaning Our Food Is From An Italian Hospital)
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) May 23, 2013
You know what they say, the three most important things about real estate are: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beettlejuice.
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) May 23, 2013
Wowsers, I knew Bosch Fawstin was a regular Crusader against the terrorists but that’s a well earned blistering they get on his twitter feed.
YGDFT!YLTATSOTE! Puntastic.
Libertarians used to put Helen Keller in a round room and tell her to stand in the corner. After that..Helen Keller always hated Libertarians.