Frank J. Hates Libertarians

[High Praise! to Jimmy]

Cake: He Will Let Them Eat It

[High Praise! to John Cox Art]

Also, Hasn’t Squeezed the Life Out of As Many People

A Florida man captured the world’s longest Burmese Python – over 18 feet long.

Large as it was, though, it still displayed less forked tongue than an Obama press conference.

Wrong Tea Party

[High Praise! to Freedom Is Just Another Word]

Link of the Day: Your Liver: Don’t Get Attached To It

[High Praise! to Nuking Politics]

Your Liver: Don’t Get Attached To It

[Think you have a link that’s IMAO-worthy? Send it to harvolson@gmail.com. If I use your link, you will receive High Praise! (assuming you remember to put your name in the email)]

Wisdom of the Day: Holder MSNBC Zynga Shyamalan Champagne Bison

Depends on What the Meaning of “Spendthrift Idiocy” Is

A new report shows that $1.2 million was paid to man the Capitol’s fully automated senators-only elevators.

On the bright side, it’s still costing us far less than most Senators.

Obama Warned Us – Challenges

We’ve got some enormous challenges out there…. And I am confident that the American people and America’s political leaders can come together in a bipartisan way and solve these problems. We always have. But we’re not going to be able to do it if we are distracted. We’re not going to be able to do it if we spend time vilifying each other. We’re not going to be able to do it if we just make stuff up and pretend that facts are not facts. We’re not going to be able to solve our problems if we get distracted by sideshows and carnival barkers.

BARACK OBAMA, remarks in press briefing room, Apr. 27, 2011

“So step right up, folks, and feast your eyes on this shiny object that has nothing to do with the problems I’ve caused that I’m hoping I can make you not pay any attention to!”

Straight Line of the Day: President Obama Is Planning a No-Fly Zone Over Syria, Which Will Include…

Works like this: I feed you Moon Nukers a straight line, and you hit me with a punch line in the comments.

President Obama is planning a no-fly zone over Syria, which will include…

You’ve Been Judged! – UPDATED

Anonymiss of Nuking Politics picked her favorite punchlines to “After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…

YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHO WON THIS ONE!

UPDATE: Anonymiss has updated with even MORE unbelievable winners! Go get your cookies, guys. And remember, when a girl teases you, it means she likes you.

Huh… you’d think I’d get teased a LOT more often…

Click here to see if you made the cut.

If you did, you should probably email Keln about becoming a guest blogger there.

If you didn’t, Anonymiss has got another straight line for you to practice on.

Keep trying. No one likes a quitter.

What Eric Holder Is Going to Say at the Off the Record Meeting

So Eric Holder has a great explanation of why he’s secretly signing search warrants on journalists… he just doesn’t want the American people to find out about it.

Yes, Holder is calling for an off the record meeting with the press to discuss these issues. The New York Times and the Associated Press are refusing to attend because, as much as they love to be water carriers, this is way too stupid even for them.

So Obama was supposed to have the most transparent administration ever, and instead has the one most transparently up to something. Still, I’m pretty curious what Holder is planning to say at this off the record meeting.

WHAT ERIC HOLDER IS GOING TO SAY AT THE OFF THE RECORD MEETING

“This was all done by my evil twin, Hric Eolder.”

“Hey, I don’t know about these search warrant; I just sign anything anyone puts in front of me. I have long term contract with three different cell phone companies.”

“Come on, guy; just play along for old times sake. Remember hope and change? That was fun.”

“Help me! If I don’t fix this, Obama is going to lock me in a room to play with Biden! That guy accidentally crushed his last three puppies!”

“Hey, I never would have done any of this if I had any idea the press would actually question me on it.”

“I was just trying to follow the example from up top: Be corrupt and vindictive. Obama just doesn’t get that sometimes that doesn’t work outside of Chicago.”

“It’s the mustache. It makes me do things. Bad things.”

“If you guys help me here, I can get you what you’ve always wanted: Obama to pat you on the head.”

“I don’t really have any defense for this; could you guys just make up that I said something smart?”

“It’s those thieving libertarians! They truly are the scum of the earth.”

“This isn’t a bribe… but the Mexican drug cartels didn’t want all of their last shipment of assault weapons, so I could fix you guys up with some really good deals.”

“I’m really screwed; are any of you hiring?”

The check’s in the mail … and other lies

Comrade Michelle gives a powerful speech.

Comrade Michelle gives a powerful speech.


Have you written your check to FLOTUS yet? She wants your money, you know.

At a fundraiser for Democrat Senate candidate Ed Markey, she told the crowd, “Keep writing those checks. And if you haven’t maxed out, max out!

And she’s right. Don’t be selfish with the money the government lets you keep. What were you going to do with it? Buy food? Braces for the kid? Birthday presents? That’s just selfish.

You need to be sending your money to the Democrats. And you need to blame the Republicans for not allowing the government to keep more of your paycheck. Sure, the GOP has gone along with some of the tax and spend policies of the Democrats, but nowhere near enough. I mean, you still have money left, right?

Well, you shouldn’t. So, do the right thing. Send the money to the Democrats. Max out.

After all, it’ll only hurt for a little while (NSFW link).

Random Thoughts: Record and Animals

Why didn’t Nixon think of holding an off the record meeting to explain Watergate?

What animal rights people never tell you is that most animal abuse comes from animal on animal violence.

Fear His Wrath!

Regarding the IRS scandal, Jay Carney said that “nobody is more outraged” than the President.

Not over the scandal, mind you, just over the questions about it.