Archive of entries posted on 10th May 2013

Wisdom of the Day: Pillow Slime Cray Charlotte Taken Ladies Pre-Internet Failure Buffy School

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Obama Warned Us – Tribes

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For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus, and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

BARACK OBAMA, Inaugural Address, Jan. 20. 2009

“…by submitting to the benevolent rule of the exalted leaders of the New Caliphate”.

3D Gun Printing — Problem Solved!

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So the State Department has asked the creator of the 3D gun design to remove the blueprint from his site. Because, you know, you can totally block people from downloading something — especially by drawing attention to it with a government crackdown. Smart move, people. Totally got all that toothpaste back in the tube. Love how our government is basically filled with Einsteins — no matter where you turn, there’s a bureaucrat with crazy hair and a mustache. Like Einstein.

Well, 3D gun printing has been stopped now and forever. Anything else we should talk about? Benghazi? No? Hillary in 2016? Alright.

The Walking Brain-Dead part 2

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RICK: (looking up at the mysterious woman with the leashed zombies) Michelle?  Are you Michelle Obama?

MICHELLE: In the flesh.  Barack is around here somewhere.

BILL: (whispering to Rick) And you said those Sasquatch sightings were just my imagination.

MICHELLE: (whistling) It’s okay, Barack baby.  You can come out now. 

BARACK: (he meekly comes out from behind a clump of bushes and begins speaking in a sing-song voice) Let me be clear, this is Bush’s fault. Hope and change.  Change and hope.  I hope for some change.  Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee  hee hee hee. You didn’t build that.  I built that. With hopey changey stuff.  And changey hopey fluff.  I am the change you seek, with a hey nonny nonny and a tax increase too.

MICHELLE: Pay him no heed.  He is not what he once was.  Without his telepromptor he has lost his power.  He has retained only small snippets from his soaring speeches, but they lack the power to effect real change.  They are vacuous and empty.

BILL: (whispering to Rick) Not at all like his real speeches. 

MICHELLE: That is why we are on a quest.  We need to get back to DC, start up the emergency generators and get his telepromptor back on line.  Restored to his former glory, he will use his sweeping rhetoric to save the world.  He will stand before us all and declare Washington DC, nay, all of America a zombie-free zone, and all will be well.  He will save us.  This is the moment for which he was born.  And that’s why we have come for you, Mr. President Clinton.

BILL: Wait a minute.  I want nothing to do with this.  I’ve spent the last eight years trying to get away from that place.  Can’t you see I’m busy here with this abortion clinic?

BARACK: (squealing): You…..you……you want to PUNISH my daughters.  Punish them with babies.  Ugly little babies.  Like my father was punished with babies. And his father before him.  Hideous little babies. Tasty little babies.  Tasty baby puppies.  So juicy sweet.

MICHELLE: (ignoring the outburst) We need you Bill because only you know the way in.

BARACK: Yes. The back door.  Yes. To the back door. Yes. Yes. Show us, you will.

BILL: I have no idea what you are talking about.

MICHELLE: Don’t play stupid with me.  Hillary told us with her dying breath.  She knew all about it.  She knew about all of your mistresses.  She knew you had a way to sneak them in past all of the security, but she didn’t know how.  She couldn’t show us the way, but you will. You are going to get us into the White House or die trying.

BILL: Oh, no I’m not.  I’m getting into that clinic where I can be safe and satisfied and eventually die pleasantly from old age. (Suddenly dashes through the gate and across the courtyard toward the entrance, shooting zombies in the head as he goes).

MICHELLE: Stop him before he dooms us all!

RICK: Do you promise to take him with you?

MICHELLE: We must.

RICK: OK then, I’ll help.      

BILL: (kicks in door and rushes into the clinic)

MICHELLE: Stay close to me.  I’m not sure why, but as long as I have my pets with me, the zombies will steer clear of us.

(Quickly, they follow BILL into the clinic, barricading the door behind them. They cross the lobby and enter the first door they come to. The room is filled with fetuses in jars and headless, premature babies.  They are all mewling and growling and snapping hungrily.)

MICHELLE: Well, what do you know?  I guess they were already human after all.

BARACK: MMMMMMMMM.  Yummy yum.  My only wish, to catch a fish…

MICHELLE: No, no.  That’s not a fish. Not a fish at all.  Don’t eat that.  Fetuses are terribly high in cholesterol and saturated fat. Very unhealthy.  No, put that down.  Put that down now. No, do not put that in your mouth.

RICK: (leaves the other two there and heads into another room.  BILL is in there ransacking a filing cabinet.)

RICK: What are you doing in here? What do you want with those?  Give me those files. [takes folders from BILL]

BILL: OK. OK.  It’s just the patient records. 

RICK: Why would you want those?  Oh, I see.  It’s the names and addresses of all the promiscuous women in the area.

BILL: [Taps finger on nose] Bingo, good buddy.

RICK: [Disgustedly hurls the files on the floor] That’s why you wanted to get in here so badly? You make me sick.  I don’t believe this.  I can’t believe you risked our lives for this. 

BILL: It’s not just the names.  There’s more.  Much, much more.  Look at all these supplies.  Just look.

RICK: Condoms?  You brought us here for condoms?

BILL: Not just condoms, Rick. A buttload of condoms.  A lifetime supply of condoms.

RICK: But look at this.  These are all expired anyway.

BILL: Shhhhhhh.  Not so loud.  Doesn’t matter.  Women don’t understand all that science stuff.  They won’t know.  And if I happen to get someone pregnant, all is well.  Look around us.  We have our own fully stocked abortion clinic.  It’s perfect.  We have to move in.

RICK: You risked my life for a bunch of expired condoms and the names of some loose women who are probably already dead anyway.  I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you.

BILL: (scooping up the files) Oh, hey, check this out.  That chubby one was even named Monica.  What a coincidence.

RICK: I bet this place isn’t even reinforced, is it?

BILL: Uh, what?  Oh. No.  But we can build it up.  Make it safe.

(MICHELLE, her pets and BARACK enter the room.)

RICK: Here he is.  He’s all yours.

To be continued, maybe if I feel like it.

[Not cross posted at Nuking Politics since it may violate Keln’s decency and good taste policy, but go and check it out.  A bunch of new bloggers have joined recently]

More Unsolicited Parenting Advice for Frank J

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Well, since Frank’s baby still hasn’t arrived yet, I figured I might pass on some more of my parenting wisdom.  Here are some of the principles/techniques that have worked well for me.

  • When your kid won’t go to sleep and keeps crying out that he is afraid because there is a monster in his closet, don’t yell back, “Be quiet or it will hear you.” The kid won’t go to sleep, and it will only make your wife really irate.
  • Spend the time necessary to make sure your child develops a good relationship with each of your personalities.
  • Oddly enough, the use of shock collars to train your toddler is illegal in Idaho.
  • If you are white and adopt a black child, don’t use one of those child leashes.  People might get the wrong idea and think you are pining for the plantation.
  • If you want to get the child into television commercials or think he has a chance of working in Hollywood, better be safe and get him circumcised.
  • I would recommend not exposing your children to high levels of radiation of any kind.  At least, it didn’t give any of my offspring super powers.
  • Never tell your kids that you wish they would be more like the kids next door if you live next door to an abortion clinic.  It will give them a complex.
  • When raising your kids, always pretend to be a liberal progressive, so that when they rebel they will become perfect, little conservatives.
  • Let them know from a very early age that, as a matter of principle, you don’t negotiate with kidnappers.
  • Make sure to send all your kids to finishing school as soon as possible.  That makes them much more valuable on the black market.
  • The most important bit of advice I can offer from siring multiple children: keep the receipt and make sure you fully understand your hospital’s return policy. 

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]