Aw, have you seen poor little Obama lately? That special guy just seems so scared and confused about all the scandals going on. And he doesn’t know anything about any of them! I mean, he’s just the president; it’s not like its his job to know what’s going on with the government.

And Obama’s all like, “Well, I guess you’ll have to talk to the Attorney General, Eric Holder. Oh, he doesn’t know anything either. I guess you’ll have to talk to his supervisor. Wait, that’s me. I guess you’ll have to talk to my supervisor then. I think that’s Bush.”

And now some people are worried that all this incompetence and lack of accountability will cause people to lose faith in government. Of course, conservatives have always said we shouldn’t have faith in government because it will constantly fail, but no one believed us until we were smart enough to get a bunch of incompetent liberals elected to demonstrate it. Now we can just point at the Obama administration and say, “See. This is why you don’t trust the government to do things. Wait… what? You already turned health care over to it?! Idiots!”

And I bet Obama had big plans for his second term — probably all drawn out on construction paper with crayon and everything. Well, maybe he can turn things around and get a huge majority in Congress in 2014 and ram through his agenda again — that would probably finish the country off. More likely, though, Obama will just flounder around lamely for three and half more years. And that’s the best case scenario for the country right now.

But 2016 will come, and then I can be elected president. And I will not tolerate any scandals in government. If I hear of one guy doing something wrong in the IRS, I will blow up the entire headquarters. I will drone strike it. And by the end of my term as president, we will have built multiple new prisons just to hold all the politicians and bureaucrats I will be prosecuting. That’s my promise.

Frank J. 2016: Make them pay. Make them all pay.

[The group is now back at their campsite. Rick, Glenn Beck, Ted Nugent, Carl, Barack, Michelle and her pets are surrounding their campfire, a spontaneously and perpetually burning Chevy Volt.  Bill is tied to a tree and muzzled to prevent his escape.]

BARACK: How can you live like this-is-is-is? Your community? It’s not even organized-ized-ized-ized.  Father?  Father? Father? Is that you? What? You want your dreams back? The AUDACITY!

GLENN: Michelle, I don’t want to be the prophet of doom.  Oh, wait a minute.  Yes I do.  But, anyway, this plan of yours is suicide. 

TED: He’s right.  One does not simply walk into DC. Its black gates are guarded by more than just scraggly hippies. There is evil there that does not sleep. The great eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly.

GLENN: Have you been to DC since this all began?

MICHELLE: Well, no.  Like usual, we were all on vacation at the time.

GLENN: (setting up a blackboard, pulling out his chalk and preparing his exposition) Let me give you a history lesson.  Here is a recap of what happened in DC while you were away.  Mistake number 1: You left Joe Biden in charge.  When the crisis hit, his first action was to invoke the DC Emergency Preparedness Protocol which recommended that the citizens evacuate their homes and gather in the local schools.  Mistake number 2: He insisted on maintaining the schools’ gun-free zone policies.  Anyone turning up at the evacuation site with a gun was arrested and put into temporary holding camps.

TED: I was in one of those camps.  I was in town helping with an NRA lobby group.   But they weren’t able to arrest me.  I was too wily.  I broke into the camp for my own good.  Safest place in the city.

GLENN: Needless to say, the schools were rapidly overrun.  They held out as long as they could, but those big red dodge balls just weren’t lethal enough.  And since in DC dodge ball had been banned in schools for so long because it was considered too violent, everyone pretty much sucked at it.  Meanwhile, Joe Biden had barricaded himself in the White House.  Mistake number 3: When the zombies arrived, he got his shotgun and shot them through the door.  That gave them the breach they needed, and they broke in and the White House has fallen.

TED: But that’s not the worst of it.

GLENN: You better tell this part, Ted.  It’s hard to swallow.

TED: I’ve seen it.  There is something leading the zombies in DC.  It’s smarter.  Faster.  More ideal.  It is a zombie John F. Kennedy.

BARACK: I’ve seen myself.  And I, sir, am no JFKKKKKKKK.

MICHELLE: That’s impossible.  JFK was shot in the head.  The brain was destroyed.  He couldn’t rise as a zombie.

TED: Impossible or not.  I’ve seen it.  I put three arrows directly into its head, and it didn’t go down.  I’m not throwing my life away on your silly mission.  I’m not going back there until we can figure out how to kill this thing.

RICK: So how do we kill this thing? How do we kill a zombie JFK?

CARL: Does anyone know where Lee Harvey Oswald is buried?

GLENN: (crying) And a little child shall lead them.

To be continued, maybe if I feel like it.

[Not cross posted at Nuking Politics since it may violate Keln’s decency and good taste policy]

That’s it. We’re not waiting any longer. My son has until Friday morning to come out on his own or we’re going in after him.

Man, is he getting a stern talking to when I see him…