Archive of entries posted on 7th May 2013

One Slice of Schadenfreudey Justice Served Piping Hot to Mayor Bloomberg

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[High Praise! to JeffersonFan]

This one’s definitely in the running for the “Satirical Story I Most Wish Were True Award” for 2013.

From the Daily Currant

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg was denied a second slice of pizza today at an Italian eatery in Brooklyn.

The owners of Collegno’s Pizzeria say they refused to serve him more than one piece to protest Bloomberg’s proposed soda ban, which would limit the portions of soda sold in the city.

Bloomberg was having an informal working lunch with city comptroller John Liu at the time and was enraged by the embarrassing prohibition. The owners would not relent, however, and the pair were forced to decamp to another restaurant to finish their meal.

Witnesses say the situation unfolded when as the two were looking over budget documents, they realized they needed more food than originally ordered.

“Hey, could I get another pepperoni over here?” Bloomberg asked owner Antonio Benito.

“I’m sorry sir,” he replied, “we can’t do that. You’ve reached your personal slice limit.”

And yeah, it gets even better (NSFW because of crude language on the part of Mayor Mudsucker).

Obama Warned Us – Viewpoints

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If we choose only to expose ourselves to opinions and viewpoints that are in line with our own, studies suggest that we become more polarized, more set in our ways. That will only reinforce and even deepen the political divides in this country. But if we choose to actively seek out information that challenges our assumptions and our beliefs, perhaps we can begin to understand where the people who disagree with us are coming from…. The practice of listening to opposing views is essential for effective citizenship. It is essential for our democracy.

BARACK OBAMA, remarks at University of Michigan, May 1, 2010

“It is essential to discovering the weaknesses and vulnerabilities of my opponents so that I can destroy them.

Download an Arsenal

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The did it: A 3D printed gun.

The only thing that isn’t printed is the firing pin (for which you use a common nail) and the ammo (this particular one fires a .380). And of course, you need a 3D printer, but those are only going to get better and more available as times goes by meaning soon anyone will be able to print up a gun based on a downloadable design. So expect a push for full background checks for downloads.

Can’t stop the signal. The right to bear arms is eventually coming to every country. Freedom is a stream you can’t swim against forever. And maybe we can now stop wasting our time on foolish gun control laws that all operate on the fantasy that you can keep criminals from getting weapons.

Classic SCIENCE! Television – Better Off Ted Part 2

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Fade in:

Camera Shot: VERONICA’S office. LINDA comes storming in.

LINDA: You’ve created a monster!

VERONICA: That’s not a monster. It’s a Homegrown Home Security System. Works great. Now if we could only get it to distinguish between rapists and children.

LINDA: I mean me! You’ve made me into a monster!

VERONICA: Why are you bringing this to me? Don’t you usually talk about these little issues with Ted?

LINDA: Oh no. This is way too embarrassing to take to Ted. As a matter of fact, Ted must never know about this. But it’s your fault anyway! You did this to me!

VERONICA: I don’t see why you’re wasting my time. You look better than you ever have. So good, in fact, that I bet you could convince Ted to abandon his silly little ‘one-office-affair’ rule.

LINDA (flattered): Well, thank you.

VERONICA: And he would have my blessing.

LINDA: Thank you again. But, no. My face isn’t the problem.

VERONICA: Well, not anymore. You want to be our spokesperson?

LINDA: No, I…..Other things are happening to me. Bad things……

VERONICA (impatiently): Yes.

LINDA: I’m growing eyebrows and eyelashes.

VERONICA: Yes you have. And they look fabulous.

LINDA: No. Stop doing that. I’m growing what appear to be eyebrows and eyelashes…..

VERONICA: Yes.

LINDA (embarrassed): They’re growing, well….they’re growing… right above each of my ….. nipples.  And they are long and luxurious.

VERONICA (reaches across desk, pulls forward LINDA’S blouse and peers down): That’s almost a unibrow.

LINDA: What? (peers down herself) It’s getting worse.  At this rate, I’ll be Sasquatch by the end of next week.

VERONICA: That will never happen.  There’s hardly any Sasquatch DNA in that formula.  Besides, you should be thanking me. In some South American tribes, that is a sign of virility and sexual favor. To the Yanomamo you would be Dr. Ruth.

LINDA: I don’t want to be anyone’s Dr. Ruth. And that’s not all. I swear that a handlebar mustache is growing out of my belly button. And there are two great big rosy red cheeks on each side of my abdomen.

VERONICA: Well, you’ll always have a job in the parade business. Fat guys with faces painted on their bellies. That never gets old.

LINDA: Something’s happening with my back, too. But I haven’t dared peek back there yet. I need that removal cream.

VERONICA: Ah, yes. The removal cream. Well, some of the statements I made yesterday were a little forward looking.

LINDA: You lied to me about the removal cream!

VERONICA: According to the project plan, we were scheduled to have the removal cream ready to go when the product hit the market. But, based upon these results, this formulation won’t be going to market. But that’s good news. That frees up the budget for the removal cream so we can use it for the Homegrown Home Security System. (typing on keyboard). There. Done.

LINDA: But what about me? Can’t you have the lab make me a removal cream.

VERONICA: Weren’t you listening. We have no budget to make a removal cream.

LINDA: But this is your fault. Aren’t you obligated to fix me?

VERONICA: I have no money for the project. My hands are tied. Maybe you can convince the guys in the lab to help you out, on their own time, of course. Sweet talk them. They both seem a little lonely.

LINDA: But isn’t Phil married?

VERONICA: Technically yes.  But his wife doesn’t want anyone to know.  Bye-bye.

LINDA: This is so unfair. 

VERONICA: You can always talk to Ted.  Maybe he can get the guys to help.

LINDA storms out.

[Not cross posted at Nuking Politics since part of this series may violate Keln’s ‘it has to be safe for grandma’ policy]

This Land is Their Land

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I started looking into that new immigration bill the Democrats and Marco Rubio are putting together, and I don’t think it is really as advertised.  I found some rather interesting provisions that they seem to be keeping hush hush about.  Provisions like these:

  • A provision requires putting legal aliens in a melting pot until tender.
  • The citizenship test for those requesting amnesty include sections on bomb making and the fundamentals of Sharia Law.
  • The Fast and Furious program will be expanded to provide guns to Mexican American drug dealers.
  • Amnesty comes with free registration in the union of your choice.
  • ACORN will be in charge of organizing communities and voter registration for all new immigrants.
  • Regarding voter registration for new citizens, proof of life is optional.
  • Texas and all its proceeds will now be a fully owned subsidiary of Tijuana.
  • A new, less offensive National Anthem will be composed and performed by Brad Paisley and LL Cool J.
  • New labor laws will include a mandated daily paid siesta.
  • All illegal aliens, regardless of ethnicity, will be given a $500,000 settlement as reparations for the Mexican-American War.
  • Amnesty will not be considered for undocumented French Canadians.  Into the melting pot with them.
  • The bill establishes a separate, lower minimum wage for landscaping and housekeeping jobs.
  • Maybe it’s an error, but the sketch of the proposed border wall, drawn on a paper napkin, indicates that the wall will be 16” tall. 
  • Amnesty comes with a get out of jail free card redeemable at the federal or state correctional facility of your choice.
  • Lastly, cock fighting is finally legal.

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]