Fade in:

Camera Shot: VERONICA’S office. LINDA comes storming in.

LINDA: You’ve created a monster!

VERONICA: That’s not a monster. It’s a Homegrown Home Security System. Works great. Now if we could only get it to distinguish between rapists and children.

LINDA: I mean me! You’ve made me into a monster!

VERONICA: Why are you bringing this to me? Don’t you usually talk about these little issues with Ted?

LINDA: Oh no. This is way too embarrassing to take to Ted. As a matter of fact, Ted must never know about this. But it’s your fault anyway! You did this to me!

VERONICA: I don’t see why you’re wasting my time. You look better than you ever have. So good, in fact, that I bet you could convince Ted to abandon his silly little ‘one-office-affair’ rule.

LINDA (flattered): Well, thank you.

VERONICA: And he would have my blessing.

LINDA: Thank you again. But, no. My face isn’t the problem.

VERONICA: Well, not anymore. You want to be our spokesperson?

LINDA: No, I…..Other things are happening to me. Bad things……

VERONICA (impatiently): Yes.

LINDA: I’m growing eyebrows and eyelashes.

VERONICA: Yes you have. And they look fabulous.

LINDA: No. Stop doing that. I’m growing what appear to be eyebrows and eyelashes…..

VERONICA: Yes.

LINDA (embarrassed): They’re growing, well….they’re growing… right above each of my ….. nipples.  And they are long and luxurious.

VERONICA (reaches across desk, pulls forward LINDA’S blouse and peers down): That’s almost a unibrow.

LINDA: What? (peers down herself) It’s getting worse.  At this rate, I’ll be Sasquatch by the end of next week.

VERONICA: That will never happen.  There’s hardly any Sasquatch DNA in that formula.  Besides, you should be thanking me. In some South American tribes, that is a sign of virility and sexual favor. To the Yanomamo you would be Dr. Ruth.

LINDA: I don’t want to be anyone’s Dr. Ruth. And that’s not all. I swear that a handlebar mustache is growing out of my belly button. And there are two great big rosy red cheeks on each side of my abdomen.

VERONICA: Well, you’ll always have a job in the parade business. Fat guys with faces painted on their bellies. That never gets old.

LINDA: Something’s happening with my back, too. But I haven’t dared peek back there yet. I need that removal cream.

VERONICA: Ah, yes. The removal cream. Well, some of the statements I made yesterday were a little forward looking.

LINDA: You lied to me about the removal cream!

VERONICA: According to the project plan, we were scheduled to have the removal cream ready to go when the product hit the market. But, based upon these results, this formulation won’t be going to market. But that’s good news. That frees up the budget for the removal cream so we can use it for the Homegrown Home Security System. (typing on keyboard). There. Done.

LINDA: But what about me? Can’t you have the lab make me a removal cream.

VERONICA: Weren’t you listening. We have no budget to make a removal cream.

LINDA: But this is your fault. Aren’t you obligated to fix me?

VERONICA: I have no money for the project. My hands are tied. Maybe you can convince the guys in the lab to help you out, on their own time, of course. Sweet talk them. They both seem a little lonely.

LINDA: But isn’t Phil married?

VERONICA: Technically yes.  But his wife doesn’t want anyone to know.  Bye-bye.

LINDA: This is so unfair. 

VERONICA: You can always talk to Ted.  Maybe he can get the guys to help.

LINDA storms out.

[Not cross posted at Nuking Politics since part of this series may violate Keln’s ‘it has to be safe for grandma’ policy]