For those of you too cheap to pay $5.99 to help the underprivileged get an education, here is the conclusion.

Smash Cut: Digital Time Reading 9:21:03.   Tick.  Tick.  Tick. Tick.

(Car containing JACK AND SISTER NELSON parks in DQ parking lot)

JACK (turns off engine, takes keys out of ignition and opens passenger door.  To SISTER NELSON): Don’t you dare get out of this car!

JACK rushes to the windows of the DQ, frantically pounding the glass: Teri!  Kim!  There’re not here.  I can’t see them.  (Begins to move back to car when his cellphone rings.  JACK answers)

Smash Cut: Chloe at computer at CTU.

CHLOE: Hi Jack, it’s me.  Sorry it took so long, but that creepy Milo kept coming over and drooling on me and hitting on me and stuff.  He’s always hanging around my desk and won’t leave me alone.  He thinks he’s SO funny but he just gives me the creeps.  He’s nothing at all like you Jack.

Smash Cut: Back to JACK.

JACK: We’ll deal with Milo later.  What can you tell me?

CHLOE: I found them in the satellite photos, Jack.  They’re at Pace’s Dairy Ann. 

JACK: Dairy Ann, not Dairy Queen.  That’s clear across town.  I’ll never make it in time.  They played me.  Chloe, we need to establish a perimeter.  I need a chopper and a TAC team at the Dairy Ann ASAP.

CHLOE: But there’s nowhere around there to land a chopper.

JACK: Right across the street is the Hedberg-Solomon Used Car Lot. There’s plenty of space there.  Take out the whole lot if you have to!  Demolish it!  Whatever it takes to make space for the chopper!  Just get the men on the ground now!

CHLOE: I’ll see what I can do.

JACK: Make it happen.

CHLOE: Whatever you say, Jack.  (mumbling) You are my Edward.

JACK: What was that?  I didn’t catch that.

CHLOE: Nevermind.  The satellite feed just updated.  Teri and Kim are back in the minivan.  They’re on the move. 

JACK (running back to the car): Don’t lose them.  Where are they now?

CHLOE: They’re heading north on 5th West. Now they’re getting on I-15 north.

JACK (to SISTER NELSON): Start driving.  Chloe, I’m going to have to put you on hold.  I’ve got another call.  Stay on the line.  (switching cellphone to other line) This is Jack.

Smash Cut: TERI and KIM in backseat of minivan.

TERI (talking into cellphone): Hi, Jack.  We’re almost home.  Where are you?

Smash Cut: Back to JACK.

JACK: Thank heaven you’re all right.  I’ve been trying to reach you.

TERI: Sorry.  We turned off our cellphones when we went into the temple, and we forgot to turn them back on again.  We’ll see you soon. I love you.

JACK: Love you too.

CHLOE: Love you too.

JACK: What was that, Chloe?

CHLOE: Just glad everyone is OK.  See ya, Jack.

JACK (hangs up phone.  To SISTER NELSON): You got very lucky just now.  But be prepared on Sunday for your recommend interview.  I have a feeling it’s going to get very interesting.  Now drive me home.

Smash Cut: Digital Time Reading 21:24:00.   Tick.  Tick.  Tick. Tick.

Fade in:

Four panel split screen: Upper left shows BROTHER YOUNG.  Upper right shows SISTER NELSON.  Lower left shows eight year old girl from the Bishop’s office.  Lower right shows man whose features are concealed by shadows.  Each of the four is holding a cellphone to his/her ear.

SHADOWY MAN (into cellphone): Explain to me again why Teri and Kim Bauer are still breathing.

BROTHER YOUNG (into cellphone): Jack was getting too close.  We had to call off the hit.

SHADOWY MAN (into cellphone): Do I need to bring in another team to take care of this and clean up your mess?

SISTER NELSON (into cellphone): We have things well in hand.  The contingency plan is already in place.  The midget will take them all out Sunday.

EIGHT YEAR OLD GIRL (speaking into cellphone using a husky, adult female voice): They’ll be dead before I can finish my 2 ½ minute talk.  (now speaking in a little girl voice): Bibbity-bobbity-BOOM!

(Everybody laughs).

EIGHT YEAR OLD GIRL (speaking into cellphone, using adult voice): Jack must be prescient.  He assigned me to speak on work for the dead.

BROTHER YOUNG: He’s going to need it.

SISTER NELSON: They’re all going to need it.

(Everybody laughs)

Fade out

As a child I thought Cinco de Mayo was just an excuse for my neighbor to get drunk and chase us off his property with sticks.  But it turns out there’s much more to this rich Latin holiday than chile rellenos and cervesa and bruises and blood.   Cinco de Mayo is a grand Mexican celebration of mayonnaise.  Mayonnaise has a rich history in Mesoamerica going back over 4000 years. Here are some little known facts about Mesoamerica and its love of mayo.

• Mayo was invented and embraced originally by the Olmecs, mainly because the cuisine in ancient Mesoamerica sucked.
• The Olmec civilization ultimately disappeared due to widespread food poisoning acquired from improper refrigeration/storage of the newly invented mayo. Most considered it a worthwhile tradeoff.
• Because of the importance of mayo to the culture, the Maya were originally called the Mayo; however, the first person to write the name made a typographical error. Since this predated white-out by several centuries, the error was irreversible.
• Anyone in Mexico found using Miracle Whip on Cinco de Mayo is summarily executed, chopped up, made into heretic-salad sandwiches and consumed by the angry masses.
• When the Spaniards were first greeted by the Aztecs and Incas, the natives served them mayo. Since the Spaniards took great pride in the belief that they had been the first culture to invent mayo, the natives and all traces of their mayo industry had to be wiped out. The search for gold was just a hastily devised cover up. Ironically enough, the French are now credited with the invention of mayo.
• The Mayan culture of warfare originally began as a means of conquering societies for their emulsion technologies. Ancient pictographs have been discovered depicting activists with signs that translate roughly to: No blood for mayo. Later pictographs depict the activists being chopped up and made into activist-salad sandwiches.
• Modern Mexicans are often seen slathering themselves in mayo. This serves to both insulate them from the cold Gulf waters and assist them in slipping underneath the border fence. This is where the term greasy Mexican was derived. (I’m sorry. That was terribly racist. It’s OK. Most of my best friends are greasy. If any of you feel offended, stick your head in a big pile of… I mean, feel free to send me hate mail slaked with anti-white slurs).
• One should note that mayo is never served in Mexican restaurants. This is because the greedy Mexicans horde it for themselves. (It’s OK. Most of my best friends are greedy).
• Subway is the only chain committed to serving only Mexican-safe mayo along with their dolphin-safe tuna. Regardless of the environmental lobbying, the other chains refuse to make the change claiming that mayo just tastes better with a little Mexican in it.  (Note for the home cooks: I know how to set you up with a little Mexican.  Call me for details).

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]