[High Praise! to American Digest]

“The world has been chilling sharply for about twenty years. If present trends continue, the world will be about four degrees colder for the global mean temperature in 1990, but eleven degrees colder in the year 2000. This is about twice what it would take to put us into an ice age.” — Kenneth Watt

More wacky climate-changery at FreedomWorks

So this whole “red line” thing is sure making Obama look like a wimp. I mean, we all know he is a wimp, but on the international stage he need to at least not look like one. But apparently Obama through in that “red line” comment off the cuff, and now he has to act like he doesn’t understand what chemical weapons are so he doesn’t get called on it.

“So, Mr. President, they’ve confirmed they used sarin.”

“They’re allied with Sauron from Lord of the Rings? We might have to begin negotiations with him.”

That’s probably for the best, though; I’m not really sure we want this guy leading another war.

Obama’s job right now is to not get the country all blowed up before we can finally replace him with someone more confident, but with how the economy and the world stage is doing, it’s not looking so great so far.

Fade in:

Camera shot: Ted (head of R&D at Veridian Dynamics) and VERONICA (Ted’s boss) walking down the aisle between the cubicles.

VERONICA: We’ve got a new project from Corporate. They want you to find a way to get cow milk from an animal that’s not a cow. A rat, a dog a chicken, whatever.

TED: I don’t think we can get milk from a chicken. It’s kind of a mammal thing.

VERONICA: I don’t want a biology lesson. I just want cow’s milk.

TED: If they want cow’s milk, why don’t they get it from a cow?

VERONICA: Corporate wants to undercut the global dairy industry and take over. It turns out people aren’t interested in cat milk or horse milk or pig milk. They want cow milk.

TED: Who knew?

VERONICA: My thought exactly. Why would starving people be so picky? But, anyway, we can’t undercut the competition by using cows. Everybody’s using cows. We need an edge. And that’s where you come in. You need to find the animal that we can use to produce milk most cheaply, and then redesign the animal so it produces cow milk. Can you do that?

TED: We can do that.

VERONICA: Good. Oh, but one more thing. The milk also needs to function as a high-powered liquid explosive.

TED (speaking sardonically to the camera): Of course it does.

Beginning of fake Veridian commericial.

Smash cut: Veridian Dynamics logo.

Commercial voice over: We’re Veridian Dynamics. You may have heard of us, but you may not be aware of the many products we make, and that’s probably be a good thing.

Smash cut: Picture of a meadow filled with beautiful flora and fauna.

Commercial voice over: Nature has created many beautiful and wonderous things.

Smash cut: Rapid slideshow of lions tearing apart a zebra, a naked mole rat, a chimpanzee attacking a helpless woman, etc.

Commercial voice over: But nature can also be harsh and ugly. We at Veridian Dynamcis would like to change all that.

Smash cut: Picture of happy, well groomed scientists in a lab.

Commercial voice over: Through the marvels of genetic engineering, we can transform what is ugly about nature into a thing of beauty.

Smash cut: Veridian dynamics logo.

Commercial voice over: Veridian Dynamics. Making the world a more beautiful place one cell at a time. Veridian Dynamics and genetic engineering… BFFs. Kicking nature to the curb since 1996.

Camera shot: VERONICA’S office.  VERONICA is seated at her desk and Ted is seated across from her. 

VERONICA: I need you to give this to Linda for me.  Tell her to start using it.

TED: What is this, exactly.

VERONICA: It’s makeup, Ted.

TED: Just makeup?

VERONICA: Do you really want to know?  You’ll lose plausible deniability.

TED: Yes, then I think I really do need to know.

VERONICA: Ok, in these dark, recessionary times, Corporate has decided to make a play for one of the two industries that thrive regardless of economic downturns. 

TED: Which are?

VERONICA:  Surely, you know, Ted.  The industries that prey upon the very basic fabric of human nature:  female vanity and the male libido.

TED: Isn’t that a bit sexist.

VERONICA: The market doesn’t care about sexism.  The market cares about what sells.  And sexy sells, Ted.  And this, what we have here, is sexy.

TED: Ok, what is it.

VERONICA: Here’s what we take the market with. This is a special formulation that, when applied, will genetically alter the person’s face so that the makeup is permanent.  Get the base the way you want it, the lipstick, the rouge, the mascara… done.  You never have to wash it off.  You never have to reapply it.  You’re beautiful forever.  No more waking up after a one-night stand and rushing to the bathroom to put your face back on.  No more wasted time every morning and night.

TED: The only problem is that this is illegal.

VERONICA: Just because we lost a legal battle doesn’t mean we lost the war.  I just shipped off samples to all the Congressmen’s’ wives and mistresses, and I sent some to Barney Frank for good measure.  Of course, these samples are only partially permanent.  When they wear off and the women want more, the laws will change in our favor, and we need to be ready when they do.  You need to convince Linda to try it, and once she sees how good it works, she’ll have no problem recruiting employees to run the safety protocols under the table.

TED: I just don’t feel good about this.

VERONICA: Don’t do this to me, Ted.  The stuff is safe.  We’ve run all the animal testing.  You know that saying about putting lipstick on a pig?  Completely false.  Those pigs looked fabulous!  If I were a lesbian, I’d be tempted to take one home with me, and I think Lem is completely smitten with Violet.

Smash cut: LEM in the lab, nuzzling nose to nose with Violet the made-up pig.

LEM: I finally understand what Kermit saw in Miss Piggy.  Yes I do.  Yes I do.

Smash cut: Back to VERONICA’S office.

TED: I’m sorry.  If you want Linda to do this, you’ll have to convince her yourself.  I’m washing my hands of it.

(TED gets up and leaves office)

VERONICA: Drat.

Camera shot: VERONICA is conversing with LINDA outside LINDA’S cubicle.

LINDA: Absolutely not!

VERONICA: If you’d just come to the lab with me and see the pigs, you’d be completely on board with this.

LINDA: If it’s such a great idea, why don’t you try it?

VERONICA: Oh, I never wear makeup. I look this good naturally. You, on the other hand…

LINDA: Have you ever heard the phrase: You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?

VERONICA: And you can catch even more flies with a Veridian fly trap. Chock full of pheromones. (thinks) Maybe we could put pheromones in this formulation. Give it that extra zing.  But you can’t change the subject that easily. Back to you testing this for me.

LINDA: I oversee testing at this facility. I’ve seen what happens to the test subjects. Absolutely nothing formulated here is going on my body

VERONICA: We’ve done our due diligence. It’s completely safe, and completely reversible. We’ve been formulating the removal cream in parallel. It’s key to the product. Styles change every few years, and the makeup has to be removable and replaceable.

LINDA: Yeah, that stuff will go on my face when pigs fly.

VERONICA (quickly shaking LINDA’S hand and smiles): Deal.

Smash cut: VERONICA and LINDA standing in observatory.

VERONICA (motioning out wall window): Keep watching.

Sound of cannon followed by pig squeal. Pig can be seen flying past the window into the distance.

VERONICA: We found out a long time ago that all pigs can fly. It’s just a matter of giving them the right thrust. (Drops vials into LINDA’S hands.) I expect you to look ravishing tomorrow.

Smash cut: to the lab. PHIL is working at bench. LEM walks up to him.

LEM (worried): Phil, have you seen Violet?

PHIL (glances at watch): No, but I imagine she’s somewhere over Wisconsin right about now.  This is one more example of why we don’t name the test animals.

Fade Out

[Not cross posted at Nuking Politics since some of this series may violate Keln’s ‘it has to be safe for grandma’ policy]

Due date was Friday. Just kind of waiting now. I was kind of expecting to be taking time off for the new baby by today, so I don’t really have any posts planned for today. So… any politics happen? Did like a liberal say anything dumb or something? Maybe Obama said some pointless nonsense? I’ll just check the news and… it’s the usual nonsense. I just can’t get myself to care right now. Want to talk about something else? Anyone see Iron Man 3? I didn’t; don’t spoil it. Um… So the Wii U — Nintendo really botched that, huh? It isn’t really more powerful that current gen for the other systems and consumers seem to think it’s just an add-on for the Wii instead of a whole new system. Probably will still pick it up, though, when the price drops and there is a new Zelda.

That’s all I got.

I just found out that I have to travel out to DC for an FDA conference, which has me thinking again about the TSA and their x-ray scanner devices.  Generally speaking, I’m not a conspiracy nut, well, except for the fact that we never went to the moon, and that whole 9/11 thing, and the fact that Obama was born in Hawaii and Kenya and South Africa simultaneously (he’s really evil triplets: google it), but these new peekaboo scanners in the airports just seem to smack way too much of some grand conspiracy. 

Now, who would want to conspire and use such a device?  I reckon we can employ the old Socratic method to unravel this hemp rope.  What type of folk really don’t care if their lovins are blowing about in the breeze for all to see?  What types of folk would gladly board any plane stark raving naked if such indecency weren’t currently unlawful?  Well, I’ll tell you who.  It’s those same folk who were prancing around butt naked in the mud at that Woodstock thing.  It’s those gosh darn hippies, of course.

I’m often told that the only way to properly deduce who is really behind a grand conspiracy is to answer the simple question: Who benefits?  Because we all know that anyone who reaps good from an event must have been the mastermind behind it.  There are no coincidences, and, if history has taught us anything, it’s that the sociological and political outcomes of any event are easily predicted.  If I pat Elly Sue Jenkins on the tush, I’m gonna get a slap across the face.  It happens every time, and no one benefits from it.  Well, maybe I benefit a little, or else, why would I keep patting her on the tush?  But where are you going with all this, you may ask?  Exactly how do the hippies benefit from the airport peepshow?  Well, let me enlighten you. 

I’m not a doctor, but I take little Jimmy to one every time I push… I mean everytime he falls down the well.  And every time Doc points that x-ray thing at him, he puts a big old lead codpiece round little Jimmy’s nether regions.  I asked the Doc what this was all about, and he said, and I’m quoting this pretty straight, “Without the lead blocking the rays, Little Jimmy’s manhoods would shrivel up like raisins in the sun and be about as much use to him as an empty shotgun during season.”  Now, who exactly would want to remove all the shells from our proverbial shotguns?

Coincidentally (or is it) a hippie family moved in down the street, and, while I can’t generally abide them, I have had the misfortune of overhearing their rants now and again.  Now, to hear them talk, it sounded rather like Agent Smith from those Keanu Reeves movies.  Mankind is destroying the earth on account of there are way too many of us.  And the only solution is to stop breeding.  So, who is it that wants to dry up our loins?  Who is it that wants to blast our seed into a thin paste with concentrated x-ray beams?  Who benefits and gets exactly what they want by forcing as many of us as possible through these new Superman X-ray vision machines?  I’m just asking questions, but the answer is clear.  And, I’ll tell you what, hippies, you can have my seed when you pry them from my cold dead fingers.  Elly Sue, however, you can have my seed anytime you want.  Call me. 

[Cross posted at Nuking Politics]