Fade in:

Camera shot: Ted (head of R&D at Veridian Dynamics) and VERONICA (Ted’s boss) walking down the aisle between the cubicles.

VERONICA: We’ve got a new project from Corporate. They want you to find a way to get cow milk from an animal that’s not a cow. A rat, a dog a chicken, whatever.

TED: I don’t think we can get milk from a chicken. It’s kind of a mammal thing.

VERONICA: I don’t want a biology lesson. I just want cow’s milk.

TED: If they want cow’s milk, why don’t they get it from a cow?

VERONICA: Corporate wants to undercut the global dairy industry and take over. It turns out people aren’t interested in cat milk or horse milk or pig milk. They want cow milk.

TED: Who knew?

VERONICA: My thought exactly. Why would starving people be so picky? But, anyway, we can’t undercut the competition by using cows. Everybody’s using cows. We need an edge. And that’s where you come in. You need to find the animal that we can use to produce milk most cheaply, and then redesign the animal so it produces cow milk. Can you do that?

TED: We can do that.

VERONICA: Good. Oh, but one more thing. The milk also needs to function as a high-powered liquid explosive.

TED (speaking sardonically to the camera): Of course it does.

Beginning of fake Veridian commericial.

Smash cut: Veridian Dynamics logo.

Commercial voice over: We’re Veridian Dynamics. You may have heard of us, but you may not be aware of the many products we make, and that’s probably be a good thing.

Smash cut: Picture of a meadow filled with beautiful flora and fauna.

Commercial voice over: Nature has created many beautiful and wonderous things.

Smash cut: Rapid slideshow of lions tearing apart a zebra, a naked mole rat, a chimpanzee attacking a helpless woman, etc.

Commercial voice over: But nature can also be harsh and ugly. We at Veridian Dynamcis would like to change all that.

Smash cut: Picture of happy, well groomed scientists in a lab.

Commercial voice over: Through the marvels of genetic engineering, we can transform what is ugly about nature into a thing of beauty.

Smash cut: Veridian dynamics logo.

Commercial voice over: Veridian Dynamics. Making the world a more beautiful place one cell at a time. Veridian Dynamics and genetic engineering… BFFs. Kicking nature to the curb since 1996.

Camera shot: VERONICA’S office.  VERONICA is seated at her desk and Ted is seated across from her. 

VERONICA: I need you to give this to Linda for me.  Tell her to start using it.

TED: What is this, exactly.

VERONICA: It’s makeup, Ted.

TED: Just makeup?

VERONICA: Do you really want to know?  You’ll lose plausible deniability.

TED: Yes, then I think I really do need to know.

VERONICA: Ok, in these dark, recessionary times, Corporate has decided to make a play for one of the two industries that thrive regardless of economic downturns. 

TED: Which are?

VERONICA:  Surely, you know, Ted.  The industries that prey upon the very basic fabric of human nature:  female vanity and the male libido.

TED: Isn’t that a bit sexist.

VERONICA: The market doesn’t care about sexism.  The market cares about what sells.  And sexy sells, Ted.  And this, what we have here, is sexy.

TED: Ok, what is it.

VERONICA: Here’s what we take the market with. This is a special formulation that, when applied, will genetically alter the person’s face so that the makeup is permanent.  Get the base the way you want it, the lipstick, the rouge, the mascara… done.  You never have to wash it off.  You never have to reapply it.  You’re beautiful forever.  No more waking up after a one-night stand and rushing to the bathroom to put your face back on.  No more wasted time every morning and night.

TED: The only problem is that this is illegal.

VERONICA: Just because we lost a legal battle doesn’t mean we lost the war.  I just shipped off samples to all the Congressmen’s’ wives and mistresses, and I sent some to Barney Frank for good measure.  Of course, these samples are only partially permanent.  When they wear off and the women want more, the laws will change in our favor, and we need to be ready when they do.  You need to convince Linda to try it, and once she sees how good it works, she’ll have no problem recruiting employees to run the safety protocols under the table.

TED: I just don’t feel good about this.

VERONICA: Don’t do this to me, Ted.  The stuff is safe.  We’ve run all the animal testing.  You know that saying about putting lipstick on a pig?  Completely false.  Those pigs looked fabulous!  If I were a lesbian, I’d be tempted to take one home with me, and I think Lem is completely smitten with Violet.

Smash cut: LEM in the lab, nuzzling nose to nose with Violet the made-up pig.

LEM: I finally understand what Kermit saw in Miss Piggy.  Yes I do.  Yes I do.

Smash cut: Back to VERONICA’S office.

TED: I’m sorry.  If you want Linda to do this, you’ll have to convince her yourself.  I’m washing my hands of it.

(TED gets up and leaves office)

VERONICA: Drat.

Camera shot: VERONICA is conversing with LINDA outside LINDA’S cubicle.

LINDA: Absolutely not!

VERONICA: If you’d just come to the lab with me and see the pigs, you’d be completely on board with this.

LINDA: If it’s such a great idea, why don’t you try it?

VERONICA: Oh, I never wear makeup. I look this good naturally. You, on the other hand…

LINDA: Have you ever heard the phrase: You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?

VERONICA: And you can catch even more flies with a Veridian fly trap. Chock full of pheromones. (thinks) Maybe we could put pheromones in this formulation. Give it that extra zing.  But you can’t change the subject that easily. Back to you testing this for me.

LINDA: I oversee testing at this facility. I’ve seen what happens to the test subjects. Absolutely nothing formulated here is going on my body

VERONICA: We’ve done our due diligence. It’s completely safe, and completely reversible. We’ve been formulating the removal cream in parallel. It’s key to the product. Styles change every few years, and the makeup has to be removable and replaceable.

LINDA: Yeah, that stuff will go on my face when pigs fly.

VERONICA (quickly shaking LINDA’S hand and smiles): Deal.

Smash cut: VERONICA and LINDA standing in observatory.

VERONICA (motioning out wall window): Keep watching.

Sound of cannon followed by pig squeal. Pig can be seen flying past the window into the distance.

VERONICA: We found out a long time ago that all pigs can fly. It’s just a matter of giving them the right thrust. (Drops vials into LINDA’S hands.) I expect you to look ravishing tomorrow.

Smash cut: to the lab. PHIL is working at bench. LEM walks up to him.

LEM (worried): Phil, have you seen Violet?

PHIL (glances at watch): No, but I imagine she’s somewhere over Wisconsin right about now.  This is one more example of why we don’t name the test animals.

Fade Out

[Not cross posted at Nuking Politics since some of this series may violate Keln’s ‘it has to be safe for grandma’ policy]