RICK: (looking up at the mysterious woman with the leashed zombies) Michelle? Are you Michelle Obama?
MICHELLE: In the flesh. Barack is around here somewhere.
BILL: (whispering to Rick) And you said those Sasquatch sightings were just my imagination.
MICHELLE: (whistling) It’s okay, Barack baby. You can come out now.
BARACK: (he meekly comes out from behind a clump of bushes and begins speaking in a sing-song voice) Let me be clear, this is Bush’s fault. Hope and change. Change and hope. I hope for some change. Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hee hee hee. You didn’t build that. I built that. With hopey changey stuff. And changey hopey fluff. I am the change you seek, with a hey nonny nonny and a tax increase too.
MICHELLE: Pay him no heed. He is not what he once was. Without his telepromptor he has lost his power. He has retained only small snippets from his soaring speeches, but they lack the power to effect real change. They are vacuous and empty.
BILL: (whispering to Rick) Not at all like his real speeches.
MICHELLE: That is why we are on a quest. We need to get back to DC, start up the emergency generators and get his telepromptor back on line. Restored to his former glory, he will use his sweeping rhetoric to save the world. He will stand before us all and declare Washington DC, nay, all of America a zombie-free zone, and all will be well. He will save us. This is the moment for which he was born. And that’s why we have come for you, Mr. President Clinton.
BILL: Wait a minute. I want nothing to do with this. I’ve spent the last eight years trying to get away from that place. Can’t you see I’m busy here with this abortion clinic?
BARACK: (squealing): You…..you……you want to PUNISH my daughters. Punish them with babies. Ugly little babies. Like my father was punished with babies. And his father before him. Hideous little babies. Tasty little babies. Tasty baby puppies. So juicy sweet.
MICHELLE: (ignoring the outburst) We need you Bill because only you know the way in.
BARACK: Yes. The back door. Yes. To the back door. Yes. Yes. Show us, you will.
BILL: I have no idea what you are talking about.
MICHELLE: Don’t play stupid with me. Hillary told us with her dying breath. She knew all about it. She knew about all of your mistresses. She knew you had a way to sneak them in past all of the security, but she didn’t know how. She couldn’t show us the way, but you will. You are going to get us into the White House or die trying.
BILL: Oh, no I’m not. I’m getting into that clinic where I can be safe and satisfied and eventually die pleasantly from old age. (Suddenly dashes through the gate and across the courtyard toward the entrance, shooting zombies in the head as he goes).
MICHELLE: Stop him before he dooms us all!
RICK: Do you promise to take him with you?
MICHELLE: We must.
RICK: OK then, I’ll help.
BILL: (kicks in door and rushes into the clinic)
MICHELLE: Stay close to me. I’m not sure why, but as long as I have my pets with me, the zombies will steer clear of us.
(Quickly, they follow BILL into the clinic, barricading the door behind them. They cross the lobby and enter the first door they come to. The room is filled with fetuses in jars and headless, premature babies. They are all mewling and growling and snapping hungrily.)
MICHELLE: Well, what do you know? I guess they were already human after all.
BARACK: MMMMMMMMM. Yummy yum. My only wish, to catch a fish…
MICHELLE: No, no. That’s not a fish. Not a fish at all. Don’t eat that. Fetuses are terribly high in cholesterol and saturated fat. Very unhealthy. No, put that down. Put that down now. No, do not put that in your mouth.
RICK: (leaves the other two there and heads into another room. BILL is in there ransacking a filing cabinet.)
RICK: What are you doing in here? What do you want with those? Give me those files. [takes folders from BILL]
BILL: OK. OK. It’s just the patient records.
RICK: Why would you want those? Oh, I see. It’s the names and addresses of all the promiscuous women in the area.
BILL: [Taps finger on nose] Bingo, good buddy.
RICK: [Disgustedly hurls the files on the floor] That’s why you wanted to get in here so badly? You make me sick. I don’t believe this. I can’t believe you risked our lives for this.
BILL: It’s not just the names. There’s more. Much, much more. Look at all these supplies. Just look.
RICK: Condoms? You brought us here for condoms?
BILL: Not just condoms, Rick. A buttload of condoms. A lifetime supply of condoms.
RICK: But look at this. These are all expired anyway.
BILL: Shhhhhhh. Not so loud. Doesn’t matter. Women don’t understand all that science stuff. They won’t know. And if I happen to get someone pregnant, all is well. Look around us. We have our own fully stocked abortion clinic. It’s perfect. We have to move in.
RICK: You risked my life for a bunch of expired condoms and the names of some loose women who are probably already dead anyway. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you.
BILL: (scooping up the files) Oh, hey, check this out. That chubby one was even named Monica. What a coincidence.
RICK: I bet this place isn’t even reinforced, is it?
BILL: Uh, what? Oh. No. But we can build it up. Make it safe.
(MICHELLE, her pets and BARACK enter the room.)
RICK: Here he is. He’s all yours.
To be continued, maybe if I feel like it.