robbers stole $60,000 from a NYC Whole Foods. police don't know if the bag of apples and loaf of bread will ever be recovered.
— lawblob (@lawblob) October 22, 2013
“I’ll soon wipe that smile off your face!” – Tired clown’s lovely wife
— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) October 22, 2013
Got the results of my eye exam back – it's twins!!
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 22, 2013
1)Go to a nice restaurant with friends 2)When the waiter asks if everything's ok, pull em to the side & say "I DONT KNOW WHICH ONE TO MARRY"
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 22, 2013
"Many Bothans died to bring us this information." -Best way to end a presentation
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 22, 2013
Requiring Safari to watch the streaming video seems like the most pointlessly Apple thing to do.
— Matt Yglesias (@mattyglesias) October 22, 2013
Hot Singles are in my area! Mate-less lava-beings rampaging 'cause they're lonely!!
— BillCorbett (@BillCorbett) October 22, 2013
My wife and I don't like the same things anymore but we are still together because luckily we are still annoyed by the same things.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) October 22, 2013
My question is, does brosurance cover pre-existing popped collars?
— Caleb Howe (@CalebHowe) October 22, 2013
I'm not sure what's worse: Alan Grayson comparing the Tea Party to the KKK or him using Comic Sans to make that point
— Crudo (@Crudotastic) October 22, 2013
Maybe dinosaurs were living skeletons we don't know.
— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) October 22, 2013
dont be sad, girl. u are like a iceberg.. 90% of ur beauty is below the surface. now 95%. now 100% OMG GIRL ARE YOU DROWNIMG
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) October 22, 2013
I don't think future generations will forgive us for the Black Eyed Peas.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) October 22, 2013