A great gift idea to give someone on a first date is a framed portrait of the two of you, surrounded by your many future children.

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) December 17, 2013

You must be the second verse of a Christmas carol, girl, because I hate everyone who knows you.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 17, 2013

29 years on earth and i've yet to find the right water temperature to wash my hands

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) December 17, 2013

The way I pronounced “prix fixe” should be enough for you to figure out that I can’t afford to eat here.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 17, 2013

We can all agree that Frosty the Snowman is white though, right?

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) December 17, 2013

I wonder if Guy Fieri realizes how vulnerable he is to a deep-fried grenade attack?

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 17, 2013

Face it, we handed the keys of the world's greatest superpower to the winners of a 4th grade poster contest.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 17, 2013

“Have they improved the illustrations in ‘The Notekins’?”, thought the guy slowly losing his mind having the Baby First channel on too much.

— John Ekdahl (@JohnEkdahl) December 18, 2013

Nasty, brutish, and short. Like a Tweet.

— Nein. (@NeinQuarterly) December 18, 2013

look, i watched your kids for you. you should have been more specific if that meant more than watching them run off into the night

— chuuch (@ch000ch) December 18, 2013