i believe in a higher power (airwolf)

— jon hendren (@fart) February 5, 2014

"You're gonna like the way you look, or you're gonna have to drink this year-old milk." ~ Men's Darehouse

— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 5, 2014

Job-lock prevents funemployment, I guess.

— Nathan Wurtzel (@NathanWurtzel) February 5, 2014

I don't care how I end up as long as my Wikipedia page has a section marked "Tank Rampage".

— Patrick Brennan (@Pat_Bren) February 5, 2014

The Sochi Olympics have accomplished what Stalin couldn't – the American press is reporting unfavorably on Russia.

— Leon Wolf (@LeonHWolf) February 5, 2014

Mark Zuckerberg makes me long for the era of billionaires wearing top hats and monocles.

— Anthony Bialy (@AnthonyBialy) February 5, 2014

"the lego movie" opens on friday and will remain in theaters until dad steps on one in bare feet and gets so mad he throws them all away

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) February 5, 2014

That lady's pretty but she's no spring chicken. Certainly no barn owl. My birdlust clouds my vision to be honest.

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) February 5, 2014

Now if we could just get CVS to stop carrying Axe Body Spray.

— Sammy Rhodes (@sammyrhodes) February 6, 2014

I don't want to alarm you but WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO BEEP BEEP BEEP HONK HONK HONK WOO WOO WOO

— inmynewskin (@inmynewskin) February 6, 2014

The bank robber points his gun and says, "I'm offering you a new option. Put the money in the bag."

— David Freddoso (@freddoso) February 6, 2014