"Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds." – John Lennon, the world's worst Clue player
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) August 19, 2013
how i met your mother? more like ted talks
— ∴ dataisplural (@dataisplural) March 14, 2014
Dogs will listen to your secrets as long as you use a nice tone of voice.
"Did I hit that homeless lady with my car?! Yes I did! Yes I did!"
— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) March 14, 2014
im return this phone
"receipt?"
no, but I'm v honest.
"what's wrong?"
bad range
"sir it's 2 tin cans and a string"
a short string, bad range
— timmy pumpkin (@TimmyPumpkin) March 14, 2014
*sprays self with bear spray
"Is it working am I a bear?"
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) March 14, 2014
Memo to autocorrect: I pretty much never meant to say "wayfarer"
— Leon Wolf (@LeonHWolf) March 14, 2014
Sadly, because we keep eating the eggs, the Cadbury Creme bird has now almost become extinct.
— Obviously Just Me (@ObviouslyJustMe) March 15, 2014
My evenings are now mostly just plugging in devices.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) March 16, 2014
My superpower is never needing a scarf.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 16, 2014
Say what you will about Fred Phelps, but he was a hell of a swimmer
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 16, 2014
*guy is choking*
what? what is that?
*grabs neck & points at it*
your neck? your neck is cold?
*starts dying*
do…DO YOU WANT A SCARF??
— sadvil (@crylenol) March 16, 2014
What a dummy…everyone in Alaska knows that the proper way to turn yourself into a bear is to drink a half a quart of tequila and put on a bear suit. The effect should last until you either sober up of get hunted down.
As memory serves, the Cadbury Creme bird is a small flightless bird that resembles a rabbit…
UGH!!!!!!YOU STOOPID WINGNUT LOOSERS!!!!NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE!!!!I MEAN JUST WHO THE HELL IS THIS LUCY TED PERSON AND WHY WOULD HER COMPANION DOGS PHONE UP A SUNGLASSES WEARING BEAR AND WHY WOULD THIS DUMBASS BEAR BE CARRYING PLUGGED EGGS???????AND WHAT THE FRACK ARE PLUGGED EEGS ANYWAY AND WHAT IS A FREAKING SUPERPOWER PHELPS SCARF?????DOES IT HAVE SOLAR PANELS??? DOES IT RUN ON RECHARGEABLE BATTERIES????JEEZE YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST TO STOOOOOOOPID FOR WORDS!!!!NO WONDER YOU LOSE ELECTIONS!!!!!