Archive of entries posted on 3rd March 2014

Wisdom of the Day: Wild Baby Mayer Verve Gravity Editors Slavery

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It’s Always Sunny in Washington, DC – Joe Helps Gore Save the Environment

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Gore: You need to make a law, dude.  I’m tired of getting all those free samples of crap in the mail.  No more free samples, dude.  Ban them.  They are pox on us, dude.  A pox on us all.

Joe: What, dude?  What?  What do you have against free samples, dude?  You are a Democrat still, right?  Aren’t you all about free stuff? And don’t even start telling me you don’t love those little boxes of free cereal that come in the Sunday paper, dude.  Don’t even tell me that.

Gore: Well, not those, dude.  Of course not those.  Those are awesome.  But everything else.  All that stuff you don’t eat.  Like last week, dude.  Last week I got a sample box of Always Maxi-pads in the mail.  And I can’t, like, just throw them away.

Joe: Totally.  You’re, like, totally green, dude. Can’t be just wasting stuff like that, man.  Gotta use it before you can recycle it, dude.

Gore: Totally. So, I’m like, obligated to use them and stuff.  Can’t throw them out.  What am I gonna do with these?  Huh?  What?  I mean, I’ve seen the commercials, but I don’t even really know what these are for, dude.

Joe: You too?  Those commercials, are, like totally vague, dude.  I don’t even know what they are talking about.  Like, I’m not the target market.  I’m not in the know.  But I want to be in the know, dude.  Want to be in the know.

Gore: Totally.  But I can’t just give them away, and I sure ain’t givin’ them to that old witch, Tipper. So, I have this big global warming presentation I have to give, and I’m like, totally nervous cause like people have been asking like really hard questions and stuff lately. Not like it was 15 years ago.  Wondering why the global ain’t hottening up anymore.

Joe: Why is the world not hottening, Mr. Gore?  Why no hottening?

Gore: Totally like that. Just like that.  So I think, I’ll try out the Always.  Can’t hurt, right, dude?  Can’t hurt.  How could it hurt?  Oh, it hurt.  That commercial, dude, is a total liar. I didn’t feel confident at all.  Didn’t feel secure.  Not secure at all.  What I felt was paranoid.  What if something happened and someone found out I was wearing this thing, dude?  Way worse than wearing dirty underwear.  Way worse, dude.  And that adhesive strip was brutal.  Tearing that thing off of me was like getting a Brazilian wax, dude.  Can’t hurt, dude?  Can’t hurt?  It totally hurt.  That was an unhappy ending, dude.  A total unhappy ending.  I can totally see why women are acting all crazy and stuff when they are wearing these things.

Kerry: Did I hear someone say happy ending?

Joe: Totally unhappy, dude.  Are you still like all swollen and stuff?  Can I see?

Gore: No, you can’t see, dude.  No you can’t see.  (to Kerry) And no happy endings from you.  Not until I heal and you finish the gender reassignment.

Joe: Why don’t you go and do some dictation or something?

Gore: But I still got all these pads and nothing to use them for.  They looked kind of like insoles, but they didn’t fit well in my shoes, but they did seem to be rather absorbent.  So I kept them around for spill cleanup.  Good thing, too, cause I knocked over my whole carafe of wheat grass smoothie.

Joe: That green, chunky, nasty stuff you’re always drinking?  That stuff is totally nasty, dude.

Gore: Totally, but the promiscuous, vegan hippy chicks totally dig it, dude.  It’s like hippy Viagra mixed with Spanish Fly ladled over oysters.  But anyway, I totally spilled it all, and the Always worked.  It cleaned it up.  Totally cleaned up.  But now I’m afraid to throw them away. The guy who sorts through the recycle bin is gonna see those and think I have some horrifying, oozing disease now.

Barack: What’s up, dudes?

 

To be continued, maybe, if I feel like it.

Twinkle Twinkle Black C

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I assume other people have done something similar before, but here is a song I put together that is currently Buttercup’s most requested at bed time:

Twinkle Twinkle
Have you any wool?
H I J K
What you are

One for my master
T U V
Like a diamond
Who lives down the lane

Now I know my
Little star
Yes sir, yes sir
Sing with me

Random Thoughts: Guns, Reset, and Oscars

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Wow! Guns allowed somewhere in America for the first time ever! Panic!

If college students are too dumb to have guns, probably also shouldn’t have given them the decision power to go $100,000 into debt.

I’m going to pretend I like individual freedom until my Koch brothers money runs out.

A third Bush president? Shouldn’t these sequels be going direct to DVD by now?

I know Hillary gave the Russians a reset button, but did she make sure they actually pushed it?

I think Obama is learning. By the end of his presidency, he’ll have gone from less than useless to achieving parity with uselessness.

I like words. They’re fun.

In America, we love rooting for the underdogs, so maybe a gigantic decline in our nation is just what we need to believe in ourselves again.

Don’t know if Romney would have been a good president, but it’s obvious to anyone with any sense he’d be a way better one.

12 Years a Slave doesn’t sound fun to watch and I’m already pretty firmly against slavery and don’t need further convincing.

Not that it’s relevant again, but where were we with our Star Wars defense technology?

This is like Rocky IV, but instead of Rocky facing Ivan Drago, it’s Paulie.

I’m glad we’re allowed to criticize the president in this country because otherwise I wouldn’t know what to do with half my day.

Already bought Resident Evil 4 for both Gamecube and Wii and played to death on both. Still tempted to buy new HD version for PC.

Not sure what my top 5 games are, but Resident Evil 4 is definitely on that list. Not sure why Capcom didn’t just copy it for the sequels.

Been a while since I’ve worn a wristwatch, so I forgot how I like to quickly pull it back and forward like I’m cocking an arm cannon.

“Is it lawful to give tribute unto Caesar?”
“I say..”
*lowers shades*
“..render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.”
*Pharisees start breakdancing*

I’ve once again not seen any of the movies nominated for best picture or for any of the acting categories.

I thought I saw a decent number of new releases last year, but I just saw, you know, fun movies.

Do want to see Gravity, though; just haven’t gotten around to it.

The Oscars really humanizes Hollywood since you feel so embarrassed for the presenters.

Visual Effects: The one award where people at home have seen most of the nominees.

The shorts categories are so even the people in Hollywood will know what it’s like to have seen none of the nominees.

Haven’t seen any of the movies nominated for best picture, but I do want to see two of them… but not like buy a movie ticket want.

Hollywood thinks it’s cute when black people believe in God, but threatening when white people do.

I thought his last name was Bono and his first name was Sonny, but I didn’t pay very good attention in history class.

When will medical science figure out what happened to M. Night Shyamalan? Seems like he had a quickly progressing version of Lucas disease.

My wife has been pausing the Oscars, so I’m a bit off live. Anyway, little surprised Argo won best picture.

Ellen DeGeneres is going to be blackballed from winning an Oscar after this.

Cinematography? “Ooh, I can hold a camera and point it at things!” Whatever; shut up.

When Hollywood gets all smug, remember it’s the last place in America left where they can put out jobs that are “Blacks need not apply.”

I’ve never seen such a collection of awful people in one place since… well, I guess the State of the Union. #Oscars

“Let It Go” is good advice for anyone still trying to prop up the Obama presidency.

If Sandra Bullock doesn’t win for best actress, they should at least let her float around in the background during the acceptance speech.

My problem with 12 Years a Slave is shouldn’t there be a spoiling warning for the title?

You can be emotionally stable and a writer. It’s not worth the effort, though.

I wish it was Jason Bateman announcing that “Her” won.

Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t like Gravity.

God was just about to go Sodom and Gomorrah on the Academy Awards, but Matthew McConaughey made Him stay His hand.

Scientists estimate we’ll spend one year of our lives watching the opening sequence to House of Cards.