The more vague your job title sounds, the more I assume you're a high profile assassin.

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) March 3, 2014

Obama’s presidency in a nutshell: Over-involved at home. Under-involved abroad.

— Ben Howe (@BenHowe) March 3, 2014

It'll be wonderful when my life flashes before my eyes because it's gonna be so much good TV.

— Rory (@rorynotroy) March 3, 2014

A selfie, but with a loaded gun.

— Fun_Beard (@Fun_Beard) March 3, 2014

If you haven't thought about it for a while, the fact that George Clooney and Val Kilmer played Batman feels like something you imagined.

— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) March 3, 2014

They get a bad rap but a locked car is a pretty effective babysitter october-march

— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) March 3, 2014

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 4, 2014

"Better Ingredients, Better Pizza." – list of things I fantasize about while eating Papa Johns

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) March 4, 2014