Dry cleaner said my shirt is “clean as a whistle,” which I guess means he put it in his mouth and blew all over it.
— Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) March 26, 2014
New report by science confirms kickflips are actually rad as hell, mom.
— march sadness (@crylenol) March 26, 2014
Worth reiterating: the idea Obama would be an effective manager was never, ever based on any evidence.
— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) March 26, 2014
[At dinner w girlfriend's parents] "Watch this" *pretends to play plate like tambourine* *her dad gives her a secret thumbs up but I see it*
— patrick (@tastefactory) March 27, 2014