Consumer Tip: Buy helium balloons, which usually cost around -$12/lb. Their value will increase to $0 within a few days.

— hat mentos (@NonCombosMentos) May 30, 2014

I'm late to the story. Q: How are we sure Carney resigned? Did we hear it from Carney himself or from a reliable source?

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) May 30, 2014

"Wow" is the most overused word in boring conversations.

— Erica (@SCbchbum) May 30, 2014

while lifting weights I look at photos of babies trapped under overturned cars to get enough adrenaline for one last rep. #Fitness

— lawblob (@lawblob) May 30, 2014

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

— Holly Fisher (@HollyRFisher) May 30, 2014

'Democrats are just awful, and Republicans are a bit better.' There, I've said everything that needs to be said about politics.

— Kevin Eder (@keder) May 30, 2014

Edgar Wright pulled out of directing 'Ant-Man'. Still no word on who will direct 'Uncle-Woman'.

— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) May 31, 2014

I'm a JFK Truther, devoting my life to the thesis—censored by the Warren Commission and the mainstream media—that JFK died a natural death

— Clifford (@BigRedDreck) June 1, 2014

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014

[tv interview] did you get upset? "that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself" don't do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

— Brent and good hat (@murrman5) June 1, 2014