Archive of entries posted on 4th June 2014

Wisdom of the Day: References Receipt Conference Manhattan Slander Reid Banks Cat

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Now Constitutionally Eligible for the Presidency

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Today I am 35, thus I am finally constitutionally eligible for the presidency of the United States. Thus is Biden were to resign and Obama were to appoint me vice president and then he resigned, I could be president like today. As long as they were quick with the paper work. And I could get a flight to D.C.

But I don’t think Obama is going to do that, because frankly he doesn’t care about this country. If he did, I would already gotten a call from him where he was like, “I have no idea what I’m doing! I just traded five Taliban for some deserter and everyone is yelling at me and I don’t know why because I’m stupid and out of touch!”

And I’d be like, “Shut up. Quit whining. I hate whining.”

And Obama would be like, “Wow. You’re always direct. That’s why you should be president. Do you want to be president? Biden can’t take over because he got lost in his walk-in closet again.”

And I’d be like. “Yeah maybe. What’s it pay?”

And if it paid enough, I would be president. Then I’d give a speech. “Stop whining.” That would be the whole speech, and the only speech I’d ever give. And then I’d put a sign on the White House front door saying “Solve your own damn problems” and you wouldn’t hear or see from me again. Except maybe if I had to step out to get something from the grocery store. But if people came to me whining about their problems, I would punch people in the face. Eventually, people would learn not to bother me. Especially reporters.

I guess sometimes I would do stuff. Like I heard how the IRS was targeting conservatives, so I’d fire and deport everyone in the IRS pending an investigation. Not that’s I’d ever get to an investigation. I just don’t trust those people at the IRS; who would take a job with them? Even if you were really desperate for a job?

“Oh. We found one job opening; you’d be working for Satan in hell.”

“No thanks. I’ll keep looking.”

Mainly I wouldn’t do stuff, though. You would leave me alone, and I’d leave you alone. It would be perfect.

Anyway, I’m 35 today. I can be president now. And if that happened, we would have years of peace and prosperity and whiny people getting punched in the face.

Birthday gifts

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Nuclear cakeYou know what today is, right?

That’s right. My daughter-in-law’s birthday. Oh, and it’s Frank J.’s birthday, too. He and Sarah were either thoughtful or conniving enough to have birthdays that fall on birthdays within my family. And, today is Frank’s.

So, what did you get him? You know there’s a limit. Ten dollars was what we were told. That means at least twenty, unless you want to look cheap.

Or… if you’re like me and really cheap thoughtful, you make something by hand.

Now, now, hold on. Hear me out.

Frank has two children. They’ll be making him presents for years to come, so he’s getting used to cheap thoughtful gifts. So, if you made Frank something, show us. Post a picture — our cheapness extends to not paying to host your pictures, so Flikr or Photobucket or something for you — or, at least, a description of what you got or made Frank for his birthday.

There’ll be a prize for Frank’s favorite. Or Harvey’s, if Frank doesn’t bother to read the comments on something he didn’t write. We’ll figure something out.

Random Thoughts: Surprised Obama, Taliban, and Bergdahl

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Obama seems constantly surprised by everything. Maybe he has the same condition as that guy from Memento.

Bought my copy of Jim Geraghty’s The Weed Agency, out today. Buy a copy too and then you’ll be cool like me.

A novel about government bureaucracy? Maybe it’s something like Brazil. I didn’t understand Brazil.

So the WH really had no idea what the reaction to the release of Bergdahl would be? Even I have trouble believing they’re that dumb.

It’s good to know I have more Twitter followers than the American Nazi party. I’d hate to be less popular than Nazis.

Well, the Bergdahl trade was still better thought out than Obamacare.

The details about Bergdahl probably didn’t stick out to Obama; half of Obama’s friends have renounced their citizenship.

Maybe we just traded those 5 Taliban because they were duplicates (we kept their twin brothers).

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die or you get a copy of the home game (2-4 players, ages 10 & up).

Has Emily Blunt done any stoner comedies? Because I could imagine making a joke about that.

What I hate most about libertarians is how they’re always shushing you and think everything can fit in the Dewey Decimal System.

Something to make you feel old: Today is the 50th anniversary of the 1980s.

Why would anyone question trading five dangerous Taliban fighters for a guy who denounced his citizenship and deserted?

Maybe Obama should task Bill Ayers to explain why we should be happy about the Bergdahl trade.

“Hi, this is President Obama. I’m calling about the Ford Pinto you put on Craigslist. Would accept 3 Taliban members in exchange for it?”

There’s a right-wing conspiracy to point things out that the White House would not like pointed out.

If it was done in the name of Satan, that would be awful, but in the name of an internet meme even more depressing.

In high school debate clubs, do they limit how many Hitler comparisons you can make?

This freeing the POW isn’t working out at all like it did in Wag the Dog. Did the WH get a country song to go with it?