Hoo boy. No, I will not sympathize with the Palestinians simply because they're worse at killing people than they want to be.

— Gabriel Malor (@gabrielmalor) July 14, 2014

Who the heck made up the rule that you have to force your kid to shoot their dog? Considering not doing it

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) July 14, 2014

So you take the pillows off at bed time and put them back in the morning? Yup, got a whole system and everything. *alien shoots me*

— pin up teacher (@pinupteacher) July 15, 2014

*writes letter in 1700's to girlfriend* *waits 3 weeks and opens her return letter* "K"

— luke (@internetluke) July 15, 2014

When a Buzzfeed writer dies he's forced to click on a "You won't believe what happens next" thumbnail of himself. Then he goes to Hell.

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) July 15, 2014

I see a man eyeing a woman's purse on the subway. He gets up and leaves without incident. I ease my grip on the wand in my coat pocket.

— THE NATEWOLF (@thenatewolf) July 15, 2014