Waffles. Chocolate. There; I’ve exhausted my knowledge of Belgium.

How is Viagra analogous to a morning after pill?

“One half of this feminist lecture will be on not seeing women as sex objects and the other on what’s needed to enable female promiscuity.”

The people who ridicule soccer the most are the ones who tried giving it a shot and ended up even more confused why anyone would watch that.

“You can’t beat me. Lex. I’m Supergirl; bullets and bombs don’t harm me.”
“I’ve removed Plan B from your health insurance.”
“I’m powerless!”

If a woman can’t make her employer pay for Plan B pills, what rights does she have left other than all of them?

For the next game, the players should do laps around the field for 90 min and then do a shootout. Same result, but less risk of injury.

“The only winning move is not to play.” -thermonuclear war, soccer

I beat level 500 of Candy Crush. I feel like that should come with fanfare instead of the feeling of existential despair.

We’re paying attention to Belgium; when was the last time that happened?

Let’s beat Belgium and shove it in the face of Belgazor, tyrant king of Belgium!

The average Belgian is five times worse than Hitler. #BelgiumFacts

The national past time of Belgium is hating freedom. #BelgiumFacts

One does not simply walk into Belgium. #BelgiumFacts

I can’t get into soccer, but I can get into hating a foreign country.

The only notable Belgians are all serial killers and one member of Nickelback. #BelgiumFacts

A Belgian wrote the ending to Lost. #BelgiumFacts

Go USA! Kick that ball hard! Or in whatever manner you’re supposed to kick it! And win quickly as I can’t pretend to care for a whole 90min!

Having not been watching the game; I assume it’s a lot of the ball being kicked around with nothing in particular happening, but keep me updated.

One secret move is the double-kick, where the ball is kicked with both feet at once. Or maybe that only happens in foosball.

I kinda want America to win, but if we don’t lose here, we’ll just have a more humiliating loss later. #RealTalk

A good goalie is part of what a winning team needs.

Not watching the game; do we have any other players than Tim Howard or is that basically it?

I want America to win, but then I might have to care about soccer for one more game.

Do we have like a clutch goal-kicker we can put in?

The guy already blocked like two games worth of goals.

If the U.S. didn’t spend so much time dominating in business, science, tech, and culture, we could be a lot better at kicking a ball around.

See you in four years, soccer.

You did this to yourselves by trying to care about a soccer game.

If the whole game were the last 30 minutes, soccer might start getting American fans.

It’s weird for the U.S. in the World Cup since we’re kinda the underdogs, but at the same time we’re not since we’re the U.S.

So, soccer, do you want America to write you up a list of how to improve soccer and win U.S. fans? Because we have lots of good suggestions.

You really should consult with us; we have lots of modern, exciting sports in America.

Frenchmen being mistaken for Belgians being beaten up in the U.S. right now. And also correctly identified Frenchmen.

So what does Canada celebrate on Canada Day? That Britain gave them permission to be a country?

Neglected Canada today with focus on Belgium. Of all the countries we don’t care about, like spending most time not caring about Canada.

“I will never stop making Transformers sequels, each one louder and more pointless than the last until all hope perishes.” -Michael Bay

We’re not still talking about soccer, are we?