I think salads help you lose weight because they're gross and you end up not eating them

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 22, 2014

Hamas: polite academic society's favorite genocidal neo-Nazis.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 22, 2014

*Joe Biden slowly perks up at a Congress meeting* "How d- BUT HOW DO MERMAIDS POOP!?"

— Toilet Clogger (@Dank_Pal) July 23, 2014