cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say "asterisk vaults ov
— yung karen (@haleysfalling) August 12, 2014
iggy azalea makes music for girls who are doing community service for stealing earrings from claires
— dubstep4dads (@dubstep4dads) August 12, 2014
If a coworker tells you they've been sick and you don't reply with "A bug's been going around" you're instantly fired.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) August 12, 2014
Successful presidents blame their predecessors in Year One. If you're still doing it in Year Six, you've given up.
— Dan McLaughlin (@baseballcrank) August 12, 2014
Coffee to change what I can, and wine to accept what I can't.
— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) August 12, 2014
It's not racist to ask me if I would like some watermelon but it is racist when you ask and don't have any watermelon
— Sam Ike (@TheSamIke) August 12, 2014
First Date Tip:
1) Wait for check to arrive
2) Insist on paying like a gentleman
3) Lock eyes
4) Slowly open Velcro wallet for 58 minutes
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) August 12, 2014
If I was invisible, I'd find bad mimes and silently beat them to death. Just to give them one final, fantastic performance.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) August 12, 2014
Hey man you hear about that new truth serum? Its got everybody talking
— Fashion josh (@verycozy) August 12, 2014
New truth serum? Let’s have some fun! Let’s give some to Lois Learner! Better yet let’s give some to Barack Obama! It would be really cool to hear either one of them tell the truth just once.
Someone must have given some to Hillary otherwise how can you explain her recent statements about Barry and his total ineptitude?
When the Congress refuses to pass a budget until you’re elected and in office, Year One can’t be blamed on your predecessor.