Wait, what’s “competitive shooting?” I always thought that was just called “war."

— Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) August 29, 2014

As you can see from my résumé, I know how to make those little line things over the e’s.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) August 29, 2014

"That dress looks amazing on you!!" says Pinocchio, holding a hacksaw behind his back

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 30, 2014

If you conduct more than one transaction at the ATM, you are a monster.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) August 30, 2014

Sometimes my girlfriend will ask me to set the table & I have to remind her that because of my judo training we don't have a table anymore.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) August 30, 2014

I'm the decorative hand towel of people: charming but utterly useless.

— Allegory of the Dave (@Chandiggity) August 30, 2014

Being an adult is basically that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home, but all the time.

— patrick (@tastefactory) August 31, 2014

*chasing raccoon* "go! get! no one likes you! my wife is right *clutches tiny sweater I made for him and fights tears* you'd be a gross pet"

— Brent (@murrman5) August 31, 2014

The dentist stabs you in the heart with one of his tools. The walls are painted red. "You're bleeding because you don't floss enough"

— I Am Quetzalcoatlus (@Beesthegame) September 1, 2014

If Jennifer Lawrence really wanted to keep her photos from ever being seen, she should've stored them with Lois Lerner's emails.

— Razor (@hale_razor) September 1, 2014

Live by too many swords, get featured on Hoarders

— Michael Kupperman (@MKupperman) September 1, 2014

Really, babe? Too immature to commit? Then why'd I write our names in that public bathroom with Sharpie, the most permanent marker there is?

— Matt McElaney (@MattMcElaney) September 2, 2014