[blind date] OK don't let her know you're a remote control "Your eyes are beau- *sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks* DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

— Thoughtter (@ThoughtOtter) September 29, 2014

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) September 29, 2014

Technically any amount of pizza is a piece of pizza

— Muski Lozenj (@LostCatDog) September 29, 2014

Your shoes? I’m not even interested in walking a mile in my own shoes.

— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) September 29, 2014

No no no. The frankenstein monster is a scientist. The frankenstein monster monster is the monster. Read a book.

— dead jonnifer (@senderblock23) September 30, 2014

theory: Mr. Peabody is actually a future dog-shaped regeneration of Doctor Who

— iLoveScienceSexually (@AceofSpadesHQ) September 30, 2014

Dang girl are you the police on Grand Theft Auto, because 2 minutes after I leave you forget all about me & move on to someone else.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 1, 2014

The best part of having Ebola is all the ice cream they let you eat in quarantine.

— Gavin Speiller (@gavinspeiller) October 2, 2014