dad: war is good
me: [smirking as I think about my recent political science college courses] uh no. war is bad
— slick (@fanofhell) October 14, 2014
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
"why isn't he wearing a shirt"
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
— Brent (@murrman5) October 14, 2014
*walks into boat store*
any sails?
— hippieswordfish (@hippieswordfish) October 15, 2014
"I'm gonna level with you" ~ A demolition crew prioritizing teamwork
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 15, 2014
REGIS: who wants to be a millionaire?
BILLIONAIRE: not me. that would suck haha
— slick (@fanofhell) October 15, 2014
CASHIER: "Did you find everything you were looking for?"
ME: "Oh, yes…" [places "How To Murder A Cashier" book on counter]
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 15, 2014