I am looking forward to seeing Ultron sing "Let it Go".
— John Hodgman (@hodgman) October 23, 2014
Being a father is definitely the most important thing I will fail at in my life.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 23, 2014
CNN: Wait till you see this hilarious video of a woman getting beaten up!
FEMINIST: That is the disgu…
CNN: It's a Palin!
FEMINIST: GREAT!
— John Podhoretz (@jpodhoretz) October 23, 2014
Writing an Avengers film must be 1% finding a story you like and 99% trying to make Captain America, Hawkeye and Black Widow seem necessary.
— Guy Endore-Kaiser (@GuyEndoreKaiser) October 23, 2014
Not to brag, but most of the problems it takes the Blues Clues an entire episode to solve, I can figure out in like 20 minutes.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 23, 2014
me:can I get a ride to the mall
murderer:sure
[later]
me:this isnt the mall
murderer:oh I thought u said a ride to the woods to get murdered
— slick (@fanofhell) October 23, 2014
Ways I'm Like a Cat:
1)Silent
2)Independent
3)Chases mice
4)Lick myself clean
5)Always stuck in trees
6)Speaks French
7)Screams at children
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) October 23, 2014
I don’t want to “win” the Internet, I want to defeat it.
— T. Becket Adams (@BecketAdams) October 23, 2014
I want my tombstone to be a mirror with the words "YOU'RE NEXT" scrawled across it
— Rich Lowtax Kyanka (@lowtax) October 23, 2014
I’m self-isolating at Red Lobster in Times Square.
— Brian Sack (@brian_sack) October 24, 2014