*adjust suspenders* *chews on straw* *takes a deep breath* looks like the sports are coming in strong this year

— The platypus King (@DillDoes) January 13, 2015

"History was written by the victors" is a pretty solid opening line for a textbook if your name is Victor.

— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) January 13, 2015

My dog's a rescue. He was living downtown, eating garbage, & having a blast. Then I rescued him & made him wear a sweater & pose in pictures

— Your friend (@FunOnlineMan) January 13, 2015

Hi, is there anything on the menu that's not organic or local? I prefer something that had a horrible death then a long flight.

— Gary Janetti (@GaryJanetti) January 14, 2015

[celebrity arrest in store parking lot] cop 1: whose gun is this? cop 2: Rob Lowe's cop 1: and what did he do with it? cop 2 rob Lowe's

— dan mentos (@DanMentos) January 14, 2015

me: so you're saying i have to go back to school, starting with grade 1, all over again? judge: no sir you are going to prison for life

— mattmacneil (@mattmacneil) January 14, 2015

Wearing a "fauxhawk" is deeply offensive to indigenous Americans. Also non indigenous Americans. And Europeans. Animals. Plants, too.

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) January 15, 2015

Pulled the rare "hat trick" today: three naps.

— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 15, 2015