I drink coffee like your life depended on it

— Luvlyjonezzy (@2_LipiLicious) January 21, 2015

hello stylist, I'd like the All Portlandia Characters Rolled Into One pic.twitter.com/XZEOQitOVz

— Powernap5000 (@diarrhea) January 21, 2015

People who are #Humbled by awards must not understand what they are.

— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) January 21, 2015

I was skeptical because it's canned food, but man, does Fancy Feast taste good. And is it ever fancy!

— Michael J Nelson (@michaeljnelson) January 21, 2015

President: I move to lower taxes Republicans: Aye Democrats: Aye Political party who disagrees with everything made up of only horses: Nay

— Pastor Thomas (@PastorBate) January 22, 2015

I empathize with Pharaohs because I also want to die in a giant triangle

— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) January 22, 2015

[starts to laugh while I read a book] im not even gonna call the dude ishmael

— Pepper Doctor (@IRLPepperMD) January 23, 2015