[Quiz Show] Host: now it's time for the memory round. how r u both feeling? Elephant Contestant: confident. Goldfish Contestant: about what?

— paul (@FrenulumBreve) April 29, 2015

Yes, English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) May 1, 2015

Leo: It's simple: every time you eat something you shouldn't, you pay me $5. Jim: And this pay-Leo diet really works?

— Laser Pinky (@HiddenPinky) May 2, 2015

Gun to your head, what's your favourite Russian game of chance?

— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) May 2, 2015

Me as undercover cop: yeah I'd like to buy 1 heroin pls Drug dealer: are you a cop Me sweating cos I am a cop & he knows it: 2 heroins pls

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 2, 2015

"Have you dined with us before?" "No but I'm familiar with the concept of restaurants so I think I'll be ok."

— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) May 3, 2015

The would-be terrorists in Garland fell for one of the classic blunders: Never assume that you’ve outgunned an art show in Texas.

— Daniel Foster (@DanFosterType) May 4, 2015

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

— Courtney (@CourtneyBale) May 5, 2015

GOOD COP: do you know why I pulled you over? KINDERGARTEN COP: do you know why I pushed you over?

— ibid (@ibid78) May 7, 2015