What’s up with Russia holding up the Iraq resolution? They say they don’t like the part about the use of force that the U.S. put in there. Why do formerly evil countries like Russia and Germany act all peacenik now? Because they’re still evil, that’s why. They’re busy selling weapons to terrorist nations, and they don’t want to offend their customers by helping America attack Iraq. I’m starting to realize that, if we’re really serious about ending terrorism, we’re going to have to take out most of the world’s government, not just those in the Middle East. If we don’t start regime-changing Europe first, they’re just going to coddle even more countries into becoming terrorists. “But who are we going to replace their governments with,” you ask, “since most of the people in Europe are whiny?” Yes, most are whiny, but I believe there are two or three people in each European country who share American values (maybe four people in some of the larger countries). We will make them kings in exchange for their allegiance. If there isn’t anyone in those countries that we like, we’ll just put some Texan in charge. “But don’t the Europeans have modern militaries that will make it hard for us to just quickly overthrow them?” you also ask. That’s just silly. Why would they have militaries? They never want to use force no matter how right the cause. I’m sure all the European countries defunded their militaries years ago in order to pay for sub-par universal health care and crap like that. Taking over countries in Europe could probably be done with one harshly worded phone call. Additional cost saving could be made by making it a collect call. “Should we call them using 1-800-CALL-ATT?” you inquire. No, that could save them money, and we need to take a harsh stand with them. Also, I don’t want to encourage Carrot-top. “So when do we get back to taking on the countries in the Middle East? I really don’t like those countries.” Soon, after we finish rearranging Europe more to our liking. First, we’ll blow up the Eiffel Tower. “Why blow up the Eiffel Tower?” Because it’s French. Stop asking so many questions.

Jeb Bush has had ads attacking McBride for all his new spending plans for Florida and saying he’ll have to raise taxes for them (perhaps adding the dreaded income tax which Florida thankfully lacks). McBride responded by saying his tax will only be a 50 cent increase on packs of cigarettes. This is a neat new concept: take a group you don’t like and make them pay for everything. I say, though, instead of smokers, we should make liberals pay for everything. Have an extra tax on books by Michael Moore and a subscription to The Nation. The great thing is that they shouldn’t complain since they are supposed to like taxes. We should also force them to clean roads and fill potholes, and, if they complain, that makes them hypocrites since they are supposed to enjoy community service. We should also have liberals pull us around the streets in rickshaws for free. They shouldn’t complain because they should think it’s great people are using pollution free transportation. We should also make them mow our lawns. They can’t complain because… uh… we’ll then lash them with a whip if they do; I want free lawn service and I don’t like liberals.
I used to think we should chase all liberals out of the country; don’t I feel stupid now.