Now that the “Let’s Kill Iraqis and Steal Their Oil” resolution has been passed in Congress, the Iraqis are clamoring for a way to not to be bombed and made dead by us. Some are trying to act indignant. “When someone comes to your house and says, ‘I’m going to attack you and kill your parents and children’ what do you say? You say, ‘I’m willing to defend my land, my money and my house,'” says some dumbass who lives in the Middle East. The only problem with his logic is that it’s America, the good guys, asking politely to kill his parents and his children, so you know they have a pretty damn good reason. The proper response should be, “Sure, America, let me get them out here for you and line them up to make it easier. I have some extra bullets if you need them. I could also get working on making another family so you can kill them too, oh savior of the world.”
Unfortunately, I’m a Christian, so I have to love everybody for fear God might give me boils and rain frogs on me (God, is that Guy pushy). So, I’m going to offer some suggestions to the Iraqis that will help keep America from saturation bombing them and then sowing their earth with salt (as is the new American foreign policy). One idea is to offer extra-unlimited inspections to all Americans. That means that not only can we drop by anywhere in Iraq unexpected, but we can stay as long as we want and take anything we want. Like, we could stay for a week in one of the palaces and take a lamp home with us, no complaints. The other and probably best idea is to brutally murder Saddam. I mean, that would knock the wind right out of our sails. If Saddam were gutted and then they played an entire soccer game with his head, we’d just lose all interest in Iraq. Maybe we’d bomb a few palaces just for the heck of it, but then we’d probably just go back to kill’n more al Queda jerk-offs until we finally get the resolve to whup the Sauds.