Now that the “Let’s Kill Iraqis and Steal Their Oil” resolution has been passed in Congress, the Iraqis are clamoring for a way to not to be bombed and made dead by us. Some are trying to act indignant. “When someone comes to your house and says, ‘I’m going to attack you and kill your parents and children’ what do you say? You say, ‘I’m willing to defend my land, my money and my house,'” says some dumbass who lives in the Middle East. The only problem with his logic is that it’s America, the good guys, asking politely to kill his parents and his children, so you know they have a pretty damn good reason. The proper response should be, “Sure, America, let me get them out here for you and line them up to make it easier. I have some extra bullets if you need them. I could also get working on making another family so you can kill them too, oh savior of the world.”
Unfortunately, I’m a Christian, so I have to love everybody for fear God might give me boils and rain frogs on me (God, is that Guy pushy). So, I’m going to offer some suggestions to the Iraqis that will help keep America from saturation bombing them and then sowing their earth with salt (as is the new American foreign policy). One idea is to offer extra-unlimited inspections to all Americans. That means that not only can we drop by anywhere in Iraq unexpected, but we can stay as long as we want and take anything we want. Like, we could stay for a week in one of the palaces and take a lamp home with us, no complaints. The other and probably best idea is to brutally murder Saddam. I mean, that would knock the wind right out of our sails. If Saddam were gutted and then they played an entire soccer game with his head, we’d just lose all interest in Iraq. Maybe we’d bomb a few palaces just for the heck of it, but then we’d probably just go back to kill’n more al Queda jerk-offs until we finally get the resolve to whup the Sauds.
But Frank, won’t baby Jesus cry if we don’t kill all the Iraqis to satisfy our healthy lust for the ooiiillll?
No, no, Rachel, I think you’re confusing the Bible with the Koran. It’s the latter that dictates killing the heathen. The Bible’s different. Dontcha remember the parable about the ten virgins? We don’t have to kill them; we just can’t invite them to weddings if they don’t have oil.
Not that they’d attend, anyhow. I doubt we’ll get any Muslims coming anywhere near a western wedding after Chelsea showed up at that Moroccan prince’s wedding this summer in that awful red prom dress. How do you say ‘off-putting’ in Arabic?
Goin’ back to my Bible study now. I’m still a little puzzled by that passage about not casting stones.
Wait! What’s that ’bout them virgins and oil? That’s it: It IS all about ooooooiiilllll!
Allow me to elaborate: We’re trying to take all their oooooooooooooooooillll so’s they can’t send their virgins to blow up our weddings anymore!
Damn, I’m clever! No wonder I got to be Emperor.
I’m confused now; is the war all about virgin olive oooooooooooilll?
The Old Testament suggests turning the Iraqis into a pillar of salt, or perhaps multiple pillars for the sake of convenience. Combined with that virgin olive oil, we’ve got a start on World Domination of Salad Dressing.
Oh, that ugly salad rumor. I heard Martha started that to distract the press from her legal troubles. GWB isn’t interested in dominating the world salad oil market. That’s just silly – his family hates vegetables. Everyone knows it’s Paul Newman who’s aiming to be salad king of the world.
Note to Misha: I’m so glad you’re Emperor. Being a good Christian and all, if you were Caesar, I’d feel commanded to render unto you…. and I’m already too highly taxed.
I knew this would all have to be about salad; I hate salad. I say we ban salad from this earth and only get soup before the entree.
Not even ….. Caesar salad?
Its sad how naive some people can get. You are right-its gonna be all about the oil when it comes to repairing iraq. War in the middle east will never stop unless dictators like saddam and radical muslims are stopped. Do you think by inspecting their warehouses and pretending they arent there they will stop hateing and killing all westerners?
if the U.S.A care so much about humanity and the people of Iraq ,then why the hell have they persisited on the continuation of sanctions on Iraq.Over 250 iraqis die each day due to sanctionsand that is 4500 children every month, and that is from a report from UNICEF and not just me talking some shit.So ,who do you think the Iraqis see as the enemy ‘the west’ or ‘saddam’
Shut up! First of all, this war isn’t about oil. Secondly, any one who anti-war protests should be taken as P.O.W.s. Those flag burning fags should all be put in stockades and left there to die. So ooooiiiiillll DOES NOT HAVE TO DO WITH THIS WAR IDIOTS!!!
Hell yea, same here John, these people just dont understand.Its not about ooooiiiilll.
Always a sign of class, listening to someone tell another to shut up…
Keep up the good work. I’m sure Mom and apple pie are proud.
That being said, how about playing around with the borders and recreating the (briefly extant) Transjordan Empire? And why do the Brits have the surviving heir apparent of this historical curiosity on ice? A nice big American aircraft carrier in the middle of the well, Middle East, sound about right to you?
That’ll sure school ’em. It’s only a peripheral benefit that we can now get woodies from Uncle Sam’s conquests. Certainly it’s worth the billions, if that’s what you’re most getting out of it.
On the other hand, beating down a scofflaw is always fun. Legal too. And when that scofflaw just won’t shut up about building fission bombs and how those pesky Israelis blew up his Italian (French lost the bid by a few paltry million) reactor capable of producing a ton of enriched U238, it’s time to give him a taste of justice – LAPD style.
Alas, if it were only so simple. It’s made far more complicated by the moral ambiguity of our Cowboy-in-Chief’s handlers, connections and family history. Plenty of room at the table for all serial protesters of all persuasians.
The complaints of the Iraqi people re: the progress of occupation doesn’t faze me. I see it as a healthy sign they’ll do the same once they have their own people running the show. If they get their own people running the show. We don’t have a very good track record on this, especially in this region.
It remains to be seen. Personally, I think we should spend all these billions on hydrocarbon substitutes (biotech is doing wonderful things these days with engineered bugs excreting biodegradable polymers) and energy alternatives, and kick the heroin addiction that pays for all these despots’ hobby weapon-collecting. Remember those ads showing how buying a dimebag kills?
Let the (former) oil dealers drown in the saliva of their own nervous breakdowns, I say. They’ll be too poor to pay for much of a ruckus when we tell them they’re breaking international law. They certainly wouldn’t be able to afford so many patent leather boots for all those secret police.
Let them break down into chaos (after we steal/buy Paki’s nukes and bomb Iran’s WMD faciltiies but nothing else), declare theocracies far and wide. Once they can no longer afford to build nuclear facilities, let them sit there as revolt after revolt washes away FDI interest.
Maybe it’ll even banish the idea you should treat anything written, translated and interpreted by fallible human beings over a period of 1400-4000 years as literal truth, too. Who knows? One can idly dream.
j.b. diGriz
All I can say is, I’m tired of:
1. 5 Pack-a-day Europeans telling me I have an unhealthy life. (after all, the EU are the ones threatening sanctions against starving countries if they accept genetically altered foods. nice.)
2. Europeans calling G.W. “Cowboy”. Seriously.
3. Europeans worshiping Michael Jackson. Quit crying at the concerts.
4. Tolerance instead of principle.
5. California
To: j.b. diGriz
For someone that talks so smart, you would have thought that you would know how to spell persuasions. (That is unless you were making some sort of subliminal crack at Asians. If so, shame on you. Is it not enough to be Anti-American?)
And BTW, the only bags of pot that we get here in America come from:
a) Mexico
b) Canada
c) My buddies closet
While I can’t speak completley for Canadians, I know that the Mexicans and my buddy are defiantely not terrorists
Ah, another enjoyable sight – someone taking the time to find a single spelling mistype instead of discussing the issues. You’re right on the ball, sir. A smart guy like me should have noticed I mistyped ‘persuasions’. Presumably, a smart guy like you should have had more to say on the matter. Therefore, one of the last sentence’s two assumptions must be wrong.
Now that you’ve gotten that and your weed-fixation 12th step out of the way, please decide when you’d deign comment on something relevant.
j.b.