So, if Democrats succeed in replacing Torricelli with Lautenberg on the New Jersey ballot, will this totally destroy our political system leading to complete chaos, the forests burning, the oceans boiling, and the end of life as we know it? Yes, but here’s what will happen before then. Immediately, primaries will be shelved since now political parties can switch candidates at will. There will be no reason to do positive ad campaigns, since the candidate being built up could suddenly be swapped at any moment; thus, all ads will be negative. Of course, as soon as a negative ad comes out, the subject of it will be immediately swapped with someone else thus nullifying the ad. Instead, ads will just attack random members of the other party, just in case anyone of them may end up as the actual candidate. Parties will then start switching the candidates to random people registered to their party, and then you shouldn’t be surprised if you see a negative ad against yourself. “Bob Johnson doesn’t mow his lawn often enough and looks funny, so don’t vote Republican or you might be voting for Bob Johnson.” As the election nears, candidates will be switched at even faster rates so as to really throw off the other party. Probably some advanced computer algorithm will be used such that candidates will be changed at a rate of one billion times a second. The actual ballot will just say “Unnamed Republican” and “Unnamed Democrat”, and it will be near random chance who will actually be the candidate when the election ends. Of course, we’ll probably never reach the election end, as neighbor will turn against neighbor, brother against brother, son against father, dog against cat, as, at any moment, they could be candidates running against each other. Violence will erupt, families will collapse, and soon American society itself will be destroyed. And, when America is gone, you know it will only be hours before the rest of the world destroys itself from lack of America’s kind guidance. The damn, dirty apes will then take their chance to conquer the humans and make us their slaves, forcing us to toil day and night in their underground banana mines, with the only thing for any human to look forward being their sweet, sweet death. And all of this so New Jersey voters can have a “choice” this election. God, I’m beginning to hate that word.

The president has reached an agreement with the House on an Iraq attack, though Senate Democrats are still opposed since the current wording shows interest in the security of the American people, something of which they are vehemently against. Right now, all it says is that before starting a war Bush has to certify that he had no other option than force (like anyone really cares), and then every couple months he has to give a report to Congress saying something like, “Still kill’n Iraqis.”

In the dog and pony show that some people call the U.N., France and Russia still need some convincing. China says they’ll abstain from the vote since they’re evil and there government is illegitimate. Good for them. Of course, the vote doesn’t matter since we’re going to go attack Iraq anyway, but, if they don’t want to come along, more cheap oil for us (this war is all about oil, if you didn’t know; don’t let anyone outside of the right-wing conspiracy find that out, though).

There were some protestors outside the front gate of the White House, and, giving further evidence that protestors of the war with Iraq have thought processes similar to monkeys, one climbed to the top of the gate. She was arrested, but, because she came back down on the outside of the fence, she avoided a felony charge. Good to know. Next time I’m in D.C., if I see a protestor climbing the fence, I’ll have to remember to throw a rock at him to knock him down on the other side. I’ll just tell the police, “I thought a monkey was going to attack the president.” We’ll all have a good laugh and then the guy will be sent to prison for a long long time, which is also funny.