“Man, it’s certainly been a stressing time, Dick. I have to worry about getting a good government set up in Iraq, and then I have to fight the Democrats to get tax cuts so I can improve the economy. But they don’t want the economy to improve since they’re weasels, you know what I mean, Dick?”
“Si, senor.”
Bush looked to the monitor. “You’re not, Dick. You’re still that Mexican.”
“Si, senor.”
“Why are you still at the undisclosed location?”
“I do not know, senor. One day people come and say, ‘We have to take you to your new location, Vice President Cheney.’ And I say, “I am not this Cheney you speak of.’ But still, they put a blindfold on me and take me away. Now I do not know where I am, senor.”
“Sorry about that,” Bush said, thinking hard, “Man, where could Dick be? If it gets out I lost the VP, you just know there is going to be more of those ‘Bush is dumb’ jokes.”
“Si, senor. I just came up with one myself.”
“Anyway, I’m going to nickname you ‘the Mexican’, ‘ight?”
“Si.”
Bush thought for a while. “How would you like to be the Vice President? It pays $192,600 a year… uh… I mean three bucks an hour.”
“What do I have to do?”
“Just appear to do a speech and then fake a heart attack to get out of it. Can you do that?”
“Si, senor.”
“Kickass. You’re a good American.”
“I’m a Mexican, senor.”
“Well… you’re a good whatever you are.”
“Shouldn’t you be looking for this Cheney you speak of?”
“Hey!” Bush said angrily, “I’m the president. I’m the idea man, ‘ight?”
“Si, senor.”
Bush then saw his wife Laura enter the room. “Hey, can I ask you a question, honey?”
“Sure dear.”
“If the Vice President suddenly looked more Mexican to you, how would you react?”
She just stared at Bush for a long while. Finally, she said, “Know what; I like to stay out of politics.”
“Has the Vice President been replaced with a Mexican?” asked a reporter.
“That’s crazy talk,” Whitehouse Press Secretary Ari Fleischer responded, “Anyone who thinks that is as crazy as Helen Thomas.”
“I heard that!” Thomas yelled.
“I know you did, you old hag!” Fleischer responded.
“If he wasn’t a Mexican,” said another reporter, “Why did he keep referring to us reporters as ‘stupid gringos’?”
“Because Vice President Cheney thought the phrase ‘assclowns’ was getting over used in his press conferences.”
“So what was up with the poncho and sombrero?”
Fleischer looked confused. “The Vice President wasn’t wearing a poncho and a sombrero.”
“No, I mean Bush.”
“Oh! Well, he had just watch some Westerns,” Fleischer explained, “You know how Bush is. Now can we have a question about serious policy issues?”
“There have been rumors that Syria has been harboring Iraqis and their chemical weapons. Why haven’t we just marched in there and killed all those mother f**kers? Is your administration a bunch of pussies?” asked a Fox News reporter.
“Hey, be fair,” Fleischer said defensively, “We have to be diplomatic about things like…”
The reporter started making chicken sounds.
“That’s not very professional!”
Bush and the Mexican then came running into the conference. “Hey! Me and my new best friend…” Bush noticed all the reporters. “I mean my old friend, Dick Cheney, have a great idea. We just found Daschle’s car and want to overturn it. It sure is going to be fun, isn’t it, Mexican?”
“When do I get to go back to Mexico? I miss my family.”
“You crack me up, dude,” Bush said, laughing. “So, Ari, you want to help?”
“Sure,” he answered, “but I get to wear the sombrero this time.”
“But it’s my sombrero!” the Mexican complained.
“Learn to share, dude,” Bush chided him.
“I can’t wait to see Daschle’s face once he finds his car overturned!” Fleischer exclaimed.
“You’ll get to see it right away,” Bush chuckled, “He’s still in the car!”
Viva la Estados Unidos!
Uh… my spanish is horrible but isn’t it los Estados Unidos?
anyway…
Bush then saw his wife Laura enter the room. “Hey, can I ask you a question, honey?”
“Sure dear.”
“If the Vice President suddenly looked more Mexican to you, how would you react?”
She just stared at Bush for a long while. Finally, she said, “Know what; I like to stay out of politics.”
That is just classic.
That Mexican stole my sombrero and I want it back dammit!
We’d better hope Michael Moore doesn’t figure out it’s not really Cheney. Then we’ll have to put up with another documentary about hard working Americans losing their jobs to cheap Mexican labor. Of course that’s assuming he’s recovered from getting the Hatingest Hate Mail Ever.
But a funny loser.
Donnie Darko is a really good movie, really realy good.
I got lost during the last two comments.
Frank,
do you have MT sending you the comments to e-mail?? if you check the two I sent to you within a couple of minutes from each other, you’de understand MINE at least…..
the comment is on the next page “links of the day” it was a feeble attempt to be funny, which apparently didn’t work so please disregard Mr. (not)FunnyMan.
cheers.
No, I don’t have the e-mail option.
Still doesn’t explain the mention of Donnie Darko.
I have turned on the e-mail option so I can understand Jim S’s jokes in the future.
“There have been rumors that Syria has been harboring Iraqis and their chemical weapons. Why haven’t we just marched in there and killed all those mother f**kers? Is your administration a bunch of pussies?” asked a Fox News reporter.
LOL, Frank, that’s great. Truly an accurate discription of the people they have there…thank god there’s at least some reason and sanity (or lack thereof) in this reporting world.
I realize that what I just was, in spirit of Jim S., a failed attempt at humor.
Note to self: shut the hell up
Hilarious as always, Frank!
-Jeff
Hey Stinki,
Good Job!
Love,
I’m thinking of being a journalist; maybe I should work for Fox. They could use some chunky girls around there.
…
I think I love you.
wipes away her tears of laughter
Even my Silly Sister Sarah liked it; I know I must have done well.
The Fox News reporter was HILARIOUS!
In Keeping With Today’s Mood
Since I have a sombrero on the back seat of my truck (you don’t want to know) (well, maybe you
MORE FOX REPORTER!!!!
Sorry for the caps, but the Fox reporter rules.
“I can’t wait to see Daschle’s face once he finds his car overturned!” Fleischer exclaimed.
“You’ll get to see it right away,” Bush chuckled, “He’s still in the car!”
Could I get a picture?
BTW, shouldn’t these be titled Dude, Where’s My Vice-President?
Since you like opinions about what bits are funniest, best moments were the Fox News reporter and:
“You’ll get to see it right away,” Bush chuckled, “He’s still in the car!”
From 1957 when the first Special Forces teams in Vietnam began training the nucleus of the Vietnamese Special Forces and Airborne Ranger units, the Military Assistance Command, Vietnam (MACV) had strongly resisted any proposal that the SF be used in their basic mission of operating in the enemy’s rear areas. This was due to a number of reasons; principally the caveat imposed that US Forces not engage in combat and they not go into Laos, Cambodia or North Vietnam. Secondly, President Nixon’s blessing on Special Forces at Fort Bragg infuriated the higher commands who had been trying to squash Special Forces for years.
Investigative reporter, Simon Marshall in Cheney: The Story He Cannot Tell (Doubleday) to be released next month, reveals Dick Cheney was recruited into a secret black-ops team called Alpha Major within the Special Forces. Although he “took to the training like a salami to a pizza” it quickly became apparent that Cheney was one of the anti-gods who would not play the game according to the rules of war. Additionally, in defiance to Army regulations, when Cheney went into the field, he defied orders that the officially-damned beret of the Green Beret would not be worn.
As soon as he jumped into an operational area during maneuvers, he violated the official regulations against “the wearing of the green” and gleefully turned many maneuvers into chaos. In an early 501s maneuver Louisiana, Cheney and some of his buddies turned road signs around, sending convoys of equipment, rations and fuel heading off into completely different directions than intended. Units preparing for an assault were visited at night, preceding their assault, and received a briefing by a “Lt. Col Cheney” who brought XVIII Airborne Corps’ revision to their original attack plan, sending their regiment in another direction, in which they attacked one of their own units.
The confusion caused the Commanding General of XVIII Airborne Corps to stop the operations. All Alpha Major personnel were sent back to Fort Bragg and the maneuvers resumed. However, upon return to Fort Bragg, the Commanding General wrote a new regulation which made the wearing of the beret a Courts Martial offense.
The North Vietnamese Army (NVA) and their southern cousins the Viet Cong (VC) operated with impunity in the sparsely-settled countryside. One reason was the excellent camouflage discipline of the NVA and the fact that most of their movement was at night. While bombing raids on the trail caused some delays, the absence of ground action against their main supply route permitted the NVA to move staggering amounts of men and material into South Vietnam to prepare for an extended war.
The NVA established power bases in South Vietnam from the rugged mountains of the Demilitarized Zone (DMZ) a strip of land extending from the Yellow Sea to the borders of Laos, established to divide North and South Vietnam and Central Highlands in the north to the jungles, rice paddies and flat expanses of the Mekong Delta in the South. In the South, in addition to using the natural camouflage of the jungles, the VC dug and lived in miles of sophisticated caves and tunnels. MACV intelligence analysts were certain that these bases existed, but the enemy’s strict camouflage and security discipline made the bases almost impossible to locate by air reconnaissance.
The only American troops which might be in position to challenge them were Cheney’s men aligned along these borders. They also suffered the most from the enemy’ utilization of the zone to Marshall their troops to attack the SF camps. Small wonder the battered teams began to feel the buffer zone was MACV’s revenge and that a courts martial for violating the zone was preferable to filling the insides of body bags. Instead of stopping at the zone, they began to follow enemy troops across and attacking them in their bivouac areas.
Cheney was careful to insure that the map coordinates given higher headquarters for any troop movements or operations were well out of the zone. A little judicious lying, perhaps, but the A-Teams in the field had little or no support in the event they were attacked. Cheney and his team were responsible for dramatically shortening the war, wrote Military brass began court marshal proceedings against Cheney when it was discovered that his team violated border restrictions on a regular basis. But with Nixon’s intercession they agreed to give Cheney an honorable discharge and swore Cheney to silence. An oath that he has kept to this day despite the fact that he’s been derided constantly for the seeming lack of military service.
Dick Cheney is truly an American Hero.
Stacy
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