You won’t believe who I got for an interview this week: the President. Yeah, that’s right, Dubya himself; no one can refuse an interview by the great Frank J. He was in Florida, so I got him to stop by my house for a quick, relaxed chat:

Frank: Mr. President, I would just like to say…
Bush: Call me “Dubya”. Hey, nice couches.
Frank: Thanks. Gotta great deal on them from Rooms to Go. Anyway, I had some questions…
Bush: Whoa! Look at your entertainment setup. So do you get HDTV?
Frank: Yeah, but… hey, don’t play with it; it’s complicated stuff. First I have to turn the TV on, select the proper input source, then turn on the cable box or DVD player, and then turn on the amplifier and select its proper input source.
Bush: Sounds complicated.
Frank: Dude, all I want is to watch Fox and Friends in the morning and it takes me like twenty minutes to get the thing on. That’s why I got a universal remote you can program macros into.
Bush: How’s it work?
Frank: Uh… I dunno. It’s kinda complicated.
Bush: I thought you were like an electrical engineer or something.
Frank: Yeah, which means I could design the circuitry for that remote. It don’t mean I know how to use it. Duh.
Bush: Anyway, your setup looks pretty nice, even with it all turned off.
Frank: I could have bought a Picasso for a lot more money to put on this wall, but I think all this equipment looks cooler.
Bush: How do you pay for all this?
Frank: A little thing I call massive debt. I got it all worked out, though: If at least three of my future grandchildren have decent jobs, it will all be paid off eventually. Anyway, the questions…
Bush: You got something to eat?
Frank: Yeah, I got some Doritos.
Bush: Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese.
Frank: Nacho Cheese.
Bush: Any bean dip?
Frank: Sorry dude.
Bush: Well, the chips sound good anyway. I’ll need something to drink though.
Frank: Uh… I got some Guinness…
Bush: I stay away from alcohol, buddy.
Frank: Oh yeah. How about some Mountain Dew?
Bush: Sounds good to me.
Frank: Here ya go. Anyway, the questions I wanted to ask you… Dude! That stack of coasters ain’t there just for show.
Bush: Oh, sorry.
Frank: No harm no foul.
Bush: It’s a bit hot in here. Could you turn on the AC?
Frank: That’s what I got the ceiling fan for. It’s a lot cheaper to run that.
Bush: Dude, the President of the United States is here; turn on the AC.
Frank: Okay okay. Anyway… what are you laughing at?
Bush: You have the GameCube. That’s the kiddy system.
Frank: They have lots of mature games.
Bush: All I see out is Mario Sunshine.
Frank: That’s for all ages.
Bush: Whatever… Hey! You got Smash Brothers! Let’s play that!
Frank: First you make fun of my game system, but now you see Smash Brothers and it’s all cool. You’re waffling just like Clinton.
Bush: I was just kidding with you… and don’t mention that asshole Clinton. The whole time I was giving my inauguration speech, I could seem him leering at my daughters. I barely kept myself from the leaping from the podium and kicking his ass. Later, I asked one of my Secret Service agents to kidnap him, take him to a seedy hotel, and make it look like he died from an overdose of heroin, but he told me they don’t do that sort of thing.
Frank: Did you hand him a twenty when you asked?
Bush: Oh, damn… that’s probably was exactly what he was waiting for. I’m so stupid sometimes.
Frank: I can never remember all that stuff myself, like when to tip and when not to tip and what not. Anyway, what I wanted to start was asking… What the hell was that?
Bush: Sounded like something hit your house.
Frank: Oh my God, I got hit by a golf ball. By some miracle, it didn’t hit a window.
Hey! Old man! Just get your damn ball and get out of my yard before I come out there and break your hip! And work on your damn slice!
I swear, sometimes I think that the idea that it’s nice to have a house on a golf course is just propaganda from the window manufacturers. You know what I’m saying… where did you go?
Bush: Look what I found! I’m a ninja!
Frank: Dude! That’s my sword! Be careful… Aww, you put a scratch in my wall.
Bush: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.
Frank: Nothing that some touch up paint won’t fix. It’s very uncool, by the way, to touch another Samurai’s sword. You then put your own spirit into the sword, making it confused when wielded by its master. The only way to remove the spirit is to kill you with the sword.
Bush: You don’t believe that… do ya?
Frank: Nah, and this is just an iado blade; it ain’t even sharp. Anyway, let’s sit back down and get back to the interview.
Bush: Sure dude. Hey, what’s in here? Whoa, that’s a neat DVD collection you have. Are these foreign films?
Frank: Samurai movies directed by Akira Kurosawa. He was a genius. My favorite is Sanjuro. It’s not usually the most recognized of his films, but…
Bush: Oh man! You got Fight Club! I love that movie. I tried to start a fight club of my own at the White House.
Frank: Really?
Bush: Yes. Ari was all gung ho for it, Dick wanted in, and we were goading Colin to join too. Condi tried to join, but I had to explain to her it was a guy thing. She then kicked me in the nuts.
Frank: Ow. So was Rumsfeld going to join in too?
Bush: Hey, I said “fight club”, not “suicide pact”.
Frank: So what happened to it?
Bush: Karl Rove wouldn’t let us do it. He asked me how I’d explain away the bruises. I just thought I’d announce that Laura abuses me, but he didn’t like that. Man, Rover is always ruining my fun, but he’s not the boss of me… is he?
Frank: I dunno, dude. It was a while ago I took that course on governments.
Bush: All I know is I’m the president, and I think I’ve been doing pretty damn good job.
Frank: I think so too; you kicked ass with that war. I can’t believe I actually thought of voting for McCain in the primaries.
Bush: You voted for McCain in the primaries?
Frank: No, I didn’t actually vote in the primaries. Primaries are for homos.
Bush: That’s what I said! You’ve never seen Rove move so fast to keep a statement from being aired. That reminds me; I’m not doing do well with the gays. They think like I hate them or something. I was thinking maybe I could have some film crew casually catch me watching the move The Birdcage and enjoying it. Do you think that would convince more people I’m gay friendly?
Frank: I dunno. Maybe you could also attend some plays or something.
Bush: Hey, I said I wanted to convince people that I’m gay friendly, not that I am gay.
Frank: You could talk to Andrew Sullivan. He’s conservative, smart, and like really gay.
Bush: Wait a minute… Andrew Sullivan is gay?
Frank: Yeah; why?
Bush: Well, I was at this event the other day, and I thought I caught him looking at my wife so I beat the crap out of him. Oh man! Everyone is going to think I’m a gay-basher. I better apologize right away.
Frank: Hey, don’t use that phone. If you run up a long distance fee, you lose my vote in 2004. Use my cell; I got free long distance on that.
Bush: Actually, I got a great idea: let’s prank call Tom Daschle. Here, you take the phone; he usually recognizes me now.
Frank: Okay. What do I do?
Bush: Prank him!
Frank: Uh, hello, is this Senator Daschle? This is the Gay and Lesbian Justice League. We just want to thank you for your support of the gay community.
Daschle: I do my best to help spread tolerance.
Frank: That’s why we want to feature you on the cover of the next issue of our magazine.
Daschle: That’s sounds great. What do you plan to say about me?
Frank: The cover will say: Senator Tom Daschle, the Gayest Senator in U.S. History.
Daschle: Uh… but I’m not gay… not that’s there’s anything wrong with that… but I’m not.
Frank: That’s hard to believe. We’ve all seen you on T.V.
Daschle: What? Is it the way I talk?
Frank: It’s your whole mannerisms.
Daschle: But I’m not gay! I have a wife and kids!
Frank: Yeah, they were the ones who told me you were gay.
Daschle: They didn’t say that!
Frank: Yeah, your son Toby said, “My dad is so gay, it makes me cry.”
Daschle: I don’t have a son named Toby! Is this Bush?
Bush: Hang up! Hang up!
Frank: Dude, that was fun.
Bush: I bet he really thought he was gay for a second.
Frank: Hey, get your feet off my coffee table!
Bush: What if I put a placemat under them?
Frank: I guess that’s cool. Uh… what was I supposed to be doing?
Bush: You were going to ask me interview questions.
Frank: Oh yeah. So here is my question: Do your daughters Jenna and Barbara have boyfriends?
Bush: Hey, are you just trying to get set up with one of my daughters?
Frank: Come on, dude. I did phone calls for you in the 2000 election reminding Republicans to vote, and some of them were mad at me.
Bush: What state?
Frank: Uh… Pennsylvania.
Bush: I didn’t win that state.
Oh! I got a phone call; I better take this.
What! Ninjas have taken over Vermont? What kind of ninjas?
EVIL NINJAS! That’s the worst kind!
Frank: Dude, that sounds serious.
Bush: Yeah, sorry, Paco, I got to get going. You can never completely prevent ninja attacks, but you know I’m going to get blamed anyway.
Frank: Well, come back some time. We can have more friends over and watch DVD’s and play Smash Brothers.
Bush: Just make sure you have bean dip this time.