In Rumsfeld’s press conference, he soon got to the issue of the Iraqi occupation.
“Our clean up in Iraq is going well. Soon we will have hunted down and killed every Iraqi.”
Conzoleezza Rice whispered into his ear.
Rumsfeld rolled his eyes. “I mean a stable government will soon be set up.”
“The president keeps referring to Iraq as a ‘battle’, thus implying it is part of a continuing war,” said one reporter, “Who do you have plans to attack next?”
“Let’s see.” Rumsfeld pulled down a map of the world with the U.S. at the center, where it’s supposed to be. It looked at it for a while. “It would probably be easier to just list the countries we have no plans of attacking. One is Britain. Another is Australia. Not attacking Israel. No plans for Canada… no, scratch that, I misspoke there. What are these islands up here, Dr. Rice?”
“Those are part of Norway,” she answered, “We have plans.”
“What about down here at the bottom?”
“That’s not really a country,” Rice told him, “That’s Antarctica.”
“But there are people there?”
“Scientists doing research.”
“Well, I want to know what ‘research’ they are doing and have plans to eliminate them all if necessary,” Rumsfeld said and then looked back to the map. “So what’s left? Well, there’s are own country, the United States.”
Rice whispered in his here.
“Sorry, there are plans to attack some parts of the United States, the parts that aren’t being American enough. They may need a regime change.”
“Are you allowed to attack parts of your own country?” asked a reporter skeptically.
“There is precedent,” Rice explained. “The Civil War.”
“But those countries seceded.”
“And this is a preemptive strike before places secede,” Rice said.
“Or to places we wish would secede,” Rumsfeld added.
“But what is most likely your next target? Is it Syria?”
“We don’t want to reveal our planning,” Rumsfeld answered, “Everyone except Britain, Australia, Israel, and most of the U.S. should consider themselves equally likely to be attacked.”
“Does the recruiting of more people who can read French to help translate intelligence give any evidence of who you plan on attacking next?” asked a reporter.
Rumsfeld pulled out a Colt Python and pointed it at the reporter and pulled the trigger. It clicked empty. “I should probably explain this. I’ve decided to move to a revolver with only some of the chambers containing bullets. Thus, if your question displeases me, you may get shot, or you may get off with just a warning.”
“How many chambers have bullets?”
“I don’t remember. If I get asked five more idiotic questions, we’ll find out.”
“North Korea may have aimed a laser at one of our helicopters,” said a reporter, “Will there be any repercussions?”
“I have discussed this with some visiting North Korean diplomats.”
“The same ones that were later found dead, victims of the ‘Rumsfeld Strangler‘?” exclaimed the reporter. “Did you see anyone suspicious when you met with them?”
“I was too busy strangling Norks to notice anyone suspicious.”
“Darn it,” the reporter muttered, “I wanted to crack that case.”
“Does the bombings in Saudi Arabia prove all the United States’ efforts have been futile,” asked another reporter.
Rumsfeld seemed to think about this for a while. Finally, he shouted, Rarr!” and punched through the reporter’s chest, producing his heart. He then put the heart in a plastic baggy and put it away in his pocket.
“Do you plan on eating that later?” asked a squeamish reporter.
“That would be disgusting,” Rumsfeld answered, “It’s a treat for the dog.”
“Will the strike against the terrorists who committed these crimes involve wrath that is insane and disproportionate, or will the wrath be more tailored in their severity and less insane?” asked a Fox News reporter.
“Great question. I lobbied for the former. During the long, torturous deaths of the terrorists, I would have their families hunted down and their children gutted. Instead, that whiny liberal Colin Powell argued us down to just forcing the children to witness all their toys being smashed. The death of the terrorists will still be long and torturous though.”
A ringing was heard, and Rumsfeld pulled out his cell phone. “What? Tell them we won’t accept a surrender until we at least get to kill a few people.” Rumsfeld looked back to the reporters. “I need to go now.”
“But I still have a ques…” one reporter started to say, but Rumsfeld pulled out his revolver and pulled the trigger five times at the reporter. All clicked empty.
“Ah, I forgot to put any bullets in,” Rumsfeld grumbled, “That’s old age for you.”