So now that you have your guns, where do you put them? You could just leave them lying all over your residence, but that’s sloppy and might bother some visitors. Instead, more careful planning is needed.
For home, at minimum you need a shotgun in your closet. Do you have a shotgun in your closet? If not, what the hell are you doing sitting here when you don’t even have a shotgun? Terrorists could jump through the windows at any moment and you’re defenseless. Stop right now and go to Wal-Mart or something by yourself a damn shotgun. I think INS should be able to deport you if you don’t have a shotgun.
Other than that, you should have more strategic goals for your residence. Rachel Lucas was happy she got a house with as many rooms as she has guns, but one gun per room is minimum. Did you see the movie Spiderman? At the very end when Harry Osborn sees Spiderman drop off his dead father, POW! He pulls opens a drawer and has a gun in right in hand with hardly a thought. That’s what your home should be like; always a gun in arms length, because you never known when you might get attacked by Spiderman, who could be as bad as J. Jonah Jameson says.
I have something I call the “Two-Step Rule”. Anywhere in your house you should never be more than two-steps from a gun. Places where you remain stationary a lot, such as in front of your computer or couch in front of the T.V., a gun should be in arms length. In a worse case, “ninjas just broke in through all my entrances” you’ll be immediately prepared. Drawers are always a good place to put a gun, and decorative, leather-bound books hollowed out can be quite stylish. In the kitchen, you can just use a box of cereal. Plus, that gives you a good kill’n line (“There’s a prize inside for you.” Start shooting him again. “Collect them all!”).
The problem is that some people worry about easy access to guns when they have kids. Well, I don’t have kids, so I know you’ll all like my objective opinion on them. Now, while a trigger lock will keep a gun safe from kids, it can also keeps it safe from criminals. When people are screaming, and bullets are flying everywhere, you don’t want to be fumbling around with some combo or small key. Instead, you should just teach your children not to shoot his or her self. Hand the child a gun, and, if she points it at you or others, smack the child on the head and say, “No!” If you still think your child may take a gun and fire it, I’d think of getting rid of him or her. No reason to put your safety at risk because your kid is dumb. There are plenty of sites on the internet where you can sell your kid (and get another gun with the money). Just, when selling the kid, don’t mention it’s from gun stupidity; instead, say something like you’re moving to place where they don’t allow kids. Instead of kids, try a dog; it has less of a desire to mess with your guns though it does shed more.
Now that we covered guns in the home, what about on your person? There are many holsters to choose from, but, remember, the guns has to get to your hand to be fired; the holster can’t fire it itself (note to self: make self firing holster). You may have to wear different clothing to carry a gun, shirts that are untucked to conceal your firearm. I’ve told everyone my choice, though, that seems to work well with any clothing choice. A former police officer told me the best holster is a special fanny pack meant for quick access to the gun. Those in the know (criminals) can tell that means you have a gun, and will probably leave you alone to attack the guy wear the Hanggun Control Inc. t-shirt. Those not in the know, though, will call you gay for having a fanny pack, and, in most states, you can’t pull a gun on someone just for calling you gay (otherwise gay people could pull guns on everyone).
One idea of mine is a wallet gun. A guy mugs you, then, you pull out your wallet and shoot him with a .45 bullet concealed inside. Then the mugger will be like, “Woe is me; I’ve been shot by a .45.” But even my friends at my college gun club thought that was a dumb idea.
I know what you’re all thinking: “I want a holster like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver where the gun just pops into my hand.” The problem is, that’s just not practical because… hmm… well maybe if… no, it’s not practical to have a gun up your sleeve… then again, if you had a coat with wide sleeves… no, the weight would be too much throughout the day… though, maybe you could get used to it… but what if you’re shaking someone’s hands and it just pops out? Well, I guess there could be some safeties to it.
On second thought, I’m going to look into making one of those holsters and see how it works out.
Anyway, the thing to remember about where or however you keep you firearms is KISS – Keep It Simple, Stupid. You want to be able to quickly get your gun in hand and operate it since at the time you may be very panicked or very mad.
Next week I’ll end this series with a discussion of gun care. Happy shooting.
First! Oh crap, I thought this was Scrappleface.
They’re doing “first” at Scrappleface? That’s so lame.
The problem with guns and children is the concern that children may shoot themselves or others. I say this is wrong.
The real problem is that dumb kids might shoot smart kids instead of the other way around. This violates Darwinism. It should be ok for smart, healthy kids to shoot the dumb ones. This elliminates school over crowding.
the sleave holster works if is mechanical and make of aluminium. but you have to use a Darringer, 410 45 over under for kill power or 22 long for more shots
Frank J.,
I have to admit, this is pretty funny.
duhh…guns dont kill people, ammo kills people. So make sure to tell your readers to keep ammo in every room, only tell the “smart kids” where the ammo is, and please get started on designing a cool “ammo holster”!
Don’t shoot Spiderman! He’s not a bad guy. Really, no matter what JJJ says. Aquaman’s not a bad guy either, but you can shoot him, ’cause it would be funny.
Did you see the movie Spiderman? At the very end when Harry Osborn sees Spiderman drop off his dead father, POW! He pulls opens a drawer and has a gun in right in hand with hardly a thought. That’s what your home should be like; always a gun in arms length, because you never known when you might get attacked by Spiderman, who could be as bad as J. Jonah Jameson says.
Frank J:
Just playing devil’s advocate here, Spiderman may not be the best example to use in this situation. Wasn’t Spiderman set in NYC? If so, the people suffer under a draconian anti-gun law called the Sullivan Act, and since Harry Jr. was rich and probably conservative, he would have been denied any special licensing to own a gun…Therefore, had Harry Jr. popped a cap in spiderboy, he’d be in jail, Spidey would be rotting in the ground, while Aunt May wastes away in an old folks home. Mary Jane would have to continue her job as a waitress to support Aunt May, occasionally selling herself for a hit of crack and some heroine…
Actually, it’s not all that difficult to gunproof children. When my children were very small I kept the shootin’ irons up high. By the time they were big enough to reach them by standing on stuff they were well enough educated in what a shootin’ iron is for that they were no danger to themselves or others. Now, of course, they ARE a danger to others…if those ‘others’ threaten them or my grandkids.
I think what is really needed instead of a wallet gun is a change in currency for our own safety.
http://www.imao.us/archives/000954.html#000954
Closet? I have a 12 guage in the living room. Winchseter Defender, 8 shots pelletiferous lovin’.
Next week I’ll end this series with a discussion of gun care.
Noooooooooooooo. You can’t end this series without educating us on “good kill’n lines”. I’ve learned so much, but I’d look real stupid shooting invading ninjas and not knowing what to say.
I don’t know. This kids and guns thing makes me uncomfortable. I’m old, and I shouldn’t be allowed near a gun. The temptation to misuse them is awful.
Then again, I ‘spose I don’t much like kids either so…
You can get “wallet holsters” for pos .25ACPs. For what its worth.
Even this ultra-high level of preparedness wouldn’t work for me, I’m afraid. Yup, it’ll be the day I decide to make a quick run to the supermarket for charcoal lighter in my gym shorts, sans pistol or knife, that some crazy psychopath-mugger-terrorist bastard decides to target me. It’s a given. What I really need is a talking gun with artificial intelligence. “Hey, stupid! You forget SOMETHING! Don’t forget to LOAD me, too, you dolt!” It would probably help if it could aim itself, too.
There are wallet holsters, but the guns they contain are very small. (Hell–there are tiny little guns that fit into belt buckles and snap out when you need ’em. But good luck aiming ’em.)
For warm weather, there are those wide elastic straps that fit under loose T-shirts. But they’re hot. Better use a “photographer’s vest” that’s really a shooting vest.
I like fanny packs. But, of course, every cop knows what’s inside ’em.
For guys, an inside the waistband holster may be best–though then you have to buy your pants a little large.
I just carry my gun in a gun purse.
If you wish to keep your kids safe, the best way to do so is to wrap them in kevlar, 24-7, until they turn 18. Do it For The Children™.
I was my parents’ first child. When I was born, my father laid down the law: “This is my house, and I am not going to change my ways just because he’s here, now. He is going to live by my rules. That means that he will learn to keep his hands off my things.”
I did, too. I had the whole program down just about before I could talk. From his guitars to his guns, all the expensive/delicate/dangerous stuff was safe from my curiosity because Dad was always more dangerous than anything if I didn’t attend the rules.
The Ol’ Man did a good job.
I have a shotgun in my closet, can’t keep it loaded anymore though, the kids thing. Luckily with a shotgun they’d have a hard time shooting themselves, could shoot each other though.
Also please inform people if they are going to shoot an intruder with their closet shotgun, let them step away from the door or window first. The huge blast to the chest might propel them back out of the door or window and then you’d have to trust those weenies in the CSI unit to determine they were inside the house at the time you blasted them.
Best bet, say something like “I have a 12 guage shotgun pointed at your chest, if you step away from the window I won’t shoot you.” Then you’re assured they won’t end up outside.
For advice on keeping guns when you have kids that you don’t consider expendable, check in with Kim du Toit. That is all.
A shotgun in the closet? I hardly think thats enough. I have two loaded AK-74’s, a AR-15, a SPAZ 12 (Which is a shotgun…) and 3 1911’s. In my closet alone. You should see my gun room…
Hehe i like this guy 😀
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