Here it is, the deciding competition for the permalink.
BTW, people were supposed to describe their blog without using the letter ‘e’ and include the word “armadillo”. Some people cheated on that, but I can’t punish them for it since it isn’t part of the competition. They should just know they have my dissapproval. Kudos to those who did it properly.
Meet the Finalists
the voodoo lounge by dr.dna
My blog is gr3yish in color. On it I writ3 about armadillos. I also us3 th3 l3tt3r 3. Com3 and r3ad, I’v3 got th3 b3st 3’s in th3 blogosph3r3.
Adventures in Trouble Shooting by Tom
My blog is my story. I writ3 about t3chnology, politics, bas3ball, lif3, my girlfri3nd (hands off, Frank! You can’t hav3 h3r.), my job, blogging. Inst3ad of y3lling at th3 TV, I y3ll on my blog. It’s not all bitt3rn3ss and b33r, though, th3r3’s a lot of funny stuff, too. Oh, and it app34rs that I also sp34k l33t. Go T3am M3.
Modularparrot.com by Stan, Bob and Jon
A Ragtag Parrot Army — joking with armadillos, hacking armadillo tails from trunks, pulling out armadillo claws, shooting armadillo skulls with hollow points, spooning out armadillo brains, roasting armadillo brains, tails and claws — armadillo gourmands having fun with armadillos.
Bad Money by Harvey
Witty insights about this and that, plus graffiti bills with captions so hilarious that a road-kill armadillo would sit up and laugh.
[Think About It] by Jarred Nicholls
Armadillos and Libs: Good for a midnight snack!
Serenity’s Journal by Serenity
Warm, caustic, funny and as snarky as an armadillo on a Florida highway!
Here are the answers to the question in random order (revealing who wrote which is means for disqualification):
QUESTION: They struck during the night. There was no warning. By morning, they had swarmed the U.S. and resistance was crippled. One fought bravely against them, trying to end the menace. Finally, though, the sword broke, the Colt 1991 locked on an empty clip, and the mighty Frank J. fell. He died as they always thought he would: clawed and bitten by thousands of monkeys.
Now the monkeys, in conjunctions with the hippies and the Communists, have taken control. The hippies dictate government policy, the Communists crack down on freedom, and the monkeys… well the monkeys just cause havoc. They race sports cars through school zones and rob liquor stores all day long. It’s all over, it seems, for the human race, but there is one hope left: you.
You lead a ragtag group of rebels in possession of a few small arms. In 200 words or less, how do you plot and bring about the downfall of the monkey, hippy, Commie power structure?
ANSWER 1: We will entice the hippies to trust us by handing out granola and gently bubbling bongs and tell them that the monkeys want to set up a new capitalist government. This will prompt the hippies to whine and flee to New Mexico.
We’ll then inform the Commies that the only papers the hippies produced before crossing the border were Zig Zags. While the Commies race after the patchouli stenched group, we’ll tell the monkeys that the Commies just left with all the Vodka. Everyone will be on their way to Albuquerque.
Now that we have everyone assembled in the desert, we will sacrifice one Nuke The MoonT t-shirt and place it neatly on the sandy ground. We will then pour a volley of righteous Freedom Rounds into it thus causing a nuclear detonation. Everyone will perish except for those of us who wear the shirt.
As the fallout clears, we will see a figure walking towards us. It’s Frank J! Of course Frank is alive. Everyone knows you can’t kill someone who wears their Nuke the MoonT shirt. It was a vast left wing conspiracy, and we knew this, but it was a fun excuse to annihilate all the scum.
ANSWER 2: I would put on a big mustache and go to the hippies and commies, saying I was Saddam Hussein. They love mustached dictators, so I would gain their trust. Then I’d sneak into their headquarters, push the big red button marked “SELF-DESTRUCT”. Hippies and commies are stupid, so they’d probably have a self-destruct button. So that would take care of the hippies and commies.
Now, for the worst of the lot – the monkeys. Since almost all diseases that infect humans came from monkeys at some point, I’d take the dead hippies and fling them at the monkeys. Since hippies are filthy, they’ve probably got tons of cool new diseases. Hopefully one of them will infect the evil monkeys. It wouldn’t even have to jump species, seeing as monkeys and hippies are so closely related.
Then, the world freed once again, I would resurrect Frank J using voodoo, upon which he will probably ask me “how do you do that voodoo that you do so well?”. Then we’d nuke the moon and have a big party.
ANSWER 3: Having cobbled together small arms and a catapult, we set off to the UN building where the Commies, Monkeys and Hippies had built their formidable fortress. Using the catapult, we captured some of those speeding cars in school zones, with a truckload of bananas to distract the monkeys. Since the Commies are most likely french, the use of German cars caused their outer guards to surrender. Using a few small arms on the non-French commies, we advance on the UN HQ for Communistic Crap and insult their leader, who sends out the hippies and monkeys.
Gathering the strength of the Wall Street Underground (who obviously hate commies and hippies) and a legion of firehoses filled with soapy goodness, we flushed out the hippies, who, coated in clean and soapy water became normal people, albeit more clueless, scattered like mice. The monkeys being tougher customers, the catapult was used to hurl bananas and other fruits toward them, pacifying them into a bloated stupor while we caged them up. Buck the Marine lead the final charge with the cry of “For Frank! And NO QUARTER!” which lead to a communist bloodbath the likes of which the world had never seen. We Won.
ANSWER 4: “There’s only one way to stop them. We’ll create a super-virus, mixing DNA from Frank, Rumsfeld, and Ebola.”
“You can’t do that,” said a suspiciously odiferous cabal-member, “what about the unknown environmental consequences?”
SHLORP– I ripped the heart from his chest, holding it in front of his eyes as it spurted patchouli. “Shut up, hippy spy.”
“URK!” said the hippy.
“But won’t this require a new government program to pay for treating all the infected working poor?” said an elderly, rotund, gin-blossomed man (whom I’d been eyeing suspiciously).
“Die, Commie!”
“Kennedy”
“Whatever.”
“BLAM!” added my Frank J Memorial 1911 decisively, ending the argument.
“Anyway, we’ll use the labs at ImClone to put this together.”
“How will we make it in? We’re nearly out of ammo.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve got inside connections. My mother-in-law is Martha Stewart. At least I think she is. Last time she visited, she alphabetized my silverware.”
“Alphabetized your–?”
“Don’t ask.”
“Anyway, enough chatter. Let’s roll.”
The virus worked as planned. Hippies and Commies died of strangulation-like symptoms, while monkeys everywhere bled to death out of their eyes.
– but somewhere in a dark cave– a voice– “This round is yours, but I’ll be back.” sip “mmm– blended puppy.”
ANSWER 5: After the death of Frank J., the US becomes a kingdom of “you can’t do that” Nazis under the direction of hippies and commies, with monkeys in charge of alcohol production.
Enter a patchwork team of citizens led by Chuck Heston, a sleeper cell created for just this sort of eventuality and developed at the Army War College.
Chuck has been spirited underground after accumulating vast experience with unruly monkeys in ‘Planet of the Apes’, hippie behavior in the pagan worship scene from ‘Ten Commandments’, and secrets of the current communist food complex in ‘Soylent Green’.
The Chucks execute a commando operation that fouls the supply of vegetarian Soylent Green, Red and Yellow with pandas, rhinos and blue whales respectively. The hippies commit ipecac suicide after realizing they’ve destroyed 3 endangered species.
Without hippies, the commies have no free love, so begin the mass rape of monkeys. The monkeys retaliate by plugging themselves with potatoes, inadvertently creating the perfect conditions for the fermentation of vodka. The relentless pounding by the commies eventually leads to a chain reaction when the rectification columns of the volatile, vodka laden monkeys reach critical mass and explode.
Frank J. is immortalized in stone.
ANSWER 6: One bullet at a time.
There are the answers that will determine the winner of the coveted permalink.
PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!
POLL CLOSED (results here)
Poll closes in 24 hours (or so) from this posting, and then the final winner will be announced.