There has been a lot of controversy about the leak of the identity of a CIA operative. This is trouble, because leaking classified information can lead to people getting killed, terrorists attacking, and the downfall of society itself – which is bad. So here are some tip to avoid leaks.
TOP TEN TIPS FOR AVOIDING LEAKS OF SENSITIVE INFORMATION
10. Use a metal safe to store classified information instead of a taped cardboard box labeled, “Secret! You no read!”.
9. Even though it is kinda funny, don’t hand out “I’m with covert agent” t-shirts to spouses of covert agents.
8. Instead of using the “He’s got an honest face” policy, have full background check on someone before giving him classified information.
7. I don’t care how nice a day it is; don’t have meetings about national security out in the park.
6. Use advance methods to destroy classified documents. It doesn’t matter how much you crumple a piece of paper; there is technology to de-crumple it.
5. Remember: No one cares if you kill a journalist.
4. If you suspect someone of leaking information, hit him with a bat. There will be plenty of time for questions post assault and battery.
3. Before having a meeting which discusses sensitive information, spray the ceiling with a high-powered hose to make sure no ninjas are hiding up there.
2. If you know a bunch of undercover operatives, don’t tell them to Robert Novak. Apparently he writes a column of some sort.
And the number one tip for avoid leaks of sensitive information…
You know the saying, “If I told you, I’d have to kill you.”? Follow through.
UK supplement:
4. Don’t leave laptops and classified documents lying around on the train.
3. No, we really mean it.
2. Not in the pub, either.
1. What, am I just talking to myself here?
I’m going to have to give a copy of this to our security officer. Maybe he’ll add it to future briefings.
You forgot the “speak only in Russian Pig Latin” entry.
hln
The wife of an ambassador is also working for the CIA. Imagine my shock. Bet no other country ever thought of anything that sneaky.
I really want a “I’m with Secret Agent” shirt…
Brief Blogroll Stroll
FrankJ gives us his tips on protecting national secrets. Matt confronts evil… and wins. Serenity hates the smell of patchouli. Steve the Doggerelpundit, on Equal Opportunity bakesales. Steve H. is having problems with spam in his comments. He also ha…
I find that if I say that everyone I know is a secret agent then no one notices when I screw up and greet my associates with “Hey, Spy Brother!”
It also works if you refer to all your friends and associates as illegal aliens or even space aliens.
I can go along with this as long as we still get to do the secret handshakes.
T-shirts – like Johnny Depp wears in Once Upon a Time in Mexico? (Depp is cooler than I thought – plays a pirate just in time for Talk Like a Pirate Day and shows up wearing a CIA t-shirt just in time for l’affair Wilson).
My favorite M&M’s are the green M&M’s.