So the terrorist have put out a video showing the Italians they still have hostage. Why hadn’t we heard anything about this until now? Since they murdered one hostage, I haven’t heard a word about these people or the search to find them. What is it? Do they have to be naked with women’s underwear on their heads to get any coverage these days?
What we need to do is get some of these terrorists and then not let a word out what happened to them. Then, one day Al-Jazeera will get a video on it with one of the theorists reading a written a statement saying, “The American have treated me well until now, when they are blowing me up.” Then he’ll be like, “Wait a sec! Is this ri…”
BOOM!
Then pigs run on screen and eat the remains.
Now, some people may say this is cruel and unusual punishment, but that’s just silly. These terrorist blow themselves up all the time, so this punishment would be right in line with their beliefs. As for the pigs… well… it’s not like you can expect the American government to keep track of where pigs are and are not wandering around looking for eats.
Sounds like a good deterrent to me, but we still need to get these terrorists in the first place. They say they are sending a message to the pope, so let’s send the pope to negotiate. He’ll greet them cordially, take off his pope hat… but it’s not the pope! It’s me! And there’s a shotgun hidden in the pope hat.
BLAM! BLAM!
“Consider that an excommunication.”
Now, that might be a little sacrilegious to imitate the pope, but luckily Jesus is a forgiving guy… especially if you have good intentions such as splattering terrorists.
Even if they don’t use my suggestions, someone needs to do something. And keep me updated in the news, g’dammit.
My first first?
Or try the Black Jack Pershing urban legend of killing 49 of 50 terrorists, putting them in a grave covered with pigs blood, then letting the last one go.
I like that except for the letting one go part.
The reason the terrorist still have the Italians is that the last time they executed one on video, he died with defiance and dignity. The bad guys don’t know how to deal with that.
If you’re concerned about imitating the Pope, trying imitating an imam. You can’t get a big weapon into a turban so you’ll have to be creative. Still, should work.
Or we could get them to agree to meet thhe pope in his popemobile. Outfit popemobile with hidden machine gun turrets.
Don’t forget a cool catch phrase that the pope could say before wasting the tools. Something like “See you in Hell!! Wait … no I guess I won’t… I am the Pope afterall oh well…Christ be with you”
Josh,
Whoops, you just reminded me to add something…
when we kill or capture UBL, lets combine his DNA w pigs then feed the meat to him during his lengthy interrogation.
umm, umm good – umm, umm good – that’s what UBL pig is – umm, umm good!
(oh wait, some bonehead would snap photos to blog)
oh well, back to hanging at ground zero & letting the body rot in place. great tourist-type pics, don’t u think?
I think the Quran says something like “if thou screweth up, then thou shalt dwelleth eternally in Hell with 72 virgins…72 Virgin Pigs that is!!”
“Consider that an excommunication”
very nice
now imagine Ah-nauld saying it. Sounds like box-office gold to me!
Also could we have the Frank-Pope interviewed by Michael Moore with similar results?
Ok, here’s real cruel and unusual punishment…
1. Capture terrorist.
2. Kidnap Mickey Moore
3. Keep both incommunicado for a month.
4. Feed them both nothing but rice and water.
5. Take the terrorist to a room, chain him to a wall, imobilize his head and sew his eyelids open.
6. Bring a table overflowing with messy pork products: bacon and sausage swimming in grease, pulled pork in an ocean of bar-b-que sauce, baked hams dripping juice, etc…
7. Lace one of the dishes with a powerful laxative.
8. Strip Mikey naked and push him into the room.
9. Lock the door.
The terrorist is now forced to watch a hungry, naked Michael Moore eat this mess with his bare hands in all his corpulent glory until the call of nature. Leave them together for about two days then let the terrorist go and tell him that this is what terrorists get for first offenses. If we catch them again they will be forced to TOUCH Mickey!
Hey Hostage, stop it with discription of B-B-Q pork products, you are making me hungry! Mmmmm, think I’ll go down to Don’s B-B-Q for lunch.
Yeh, and thanks for the visual of a nekkid Micky Moore. I think I’ll go throw up before lunch (more room for B-B-Q).
Frank! Look out
Behind you! Images stolen from here and here. Speaking of Frank, he thinks we should help terrorists blow up more than they already do….
Frank:
IF our governemt doesn’t know where its pigs are, we should leak that to the media. Then we load up some B-52’s with pigs with little wings glued to them, fly over to the suni triangle and bomb the crap out of them with flying pigs. The terrorists would be like, “I’ll stop killing americans and joooos when pigs fly,” and we’ll be like, “Dude! Look up; flying pigs!,” and then the pigs with little wings on them will be like “Wham! Dude.” Then no one would blam us because we like, told every one we didn’t know where all our pigs were. Dude! We could glue monkeys to the back of the flying pigs, dude! We could get rid of those bastard terrorists AND evil monkeys at the same time! Wow dude, what an idea; hey is anybody writing this down? Someone should be writing this down Dude.
The suggestion I mailed the White House on 10/11 was this:
Take the terrorists’ remains (ANY terrorist caught anywhere) and bury them enclosed in a pig carcass in a pit toilet in a random US National Park.
They will then spend eternity covered in pig and being excreted and urinated upon by Jews, Americans, Women (including some who are going to be menstruating and some who will be pregnant), and a variety of other ‘unclean’ types.
Repeat with every terrorist bit we can find.
No Paradise for you, Achmed.
Orion
BLAM! BLAM!
“Consider that an excommunication.”
I just about fell off my chair laughing at that one. Thanks, Frank! Keep it up!
okay. How about the pope hides a gun down his crotch. When the terrorist says “is that a gun?”, the Pope would answer, “nah, I’m just really happy to see you”. When the terrorist smiles , the pope reaches down his pants and Boom- Dominus Opus. You’re dead!
You know, I think we might have underestimated the pope. He could be like Yoda in Star Wars 2, walk up to the terroists all old and feable then, wahoo! Kick up some kung fu, ninja, jedi, laser light saber work — kick whoop ass on the evil ones! They’d by like, Dude! When did the pope turn into Yoda! The pope would be like, Dude you die, Jesus rocks!
Dude, why isn’t anyone writing this down? The drugs are starting to wear off….
Ok, here’s the scene:
Up shuffles the Pope. His aide tells the terrorist that as a sign of respect he, the terrorist, must kiss the Pope’s ring.
The terrorist does so and as his lips touch the stone he feels a sharp prick on his lips.
He looks down and sees a thin needle with a drop of clear fluid protruding from the stone. He looks up and sees that the Pope’s eyes are glowing blue. He feels his veins burning and his throat closing as the Pope smiles and says, “Death to the House Harkonnen!”
Former Hostage,
thanks to you I now have the image of Sting screaming “I WILL kill him!” while slashing a knife in the air (one of the silliest thing in Dune imho..wait, the whole thing was kinda silly).
None of that crap is any good. Get a male pig totally nuts on mating hormones or some such, then put it in a room with a terrorist doused with female pig hormones. Terrorist must also be chained to a wall with ass sticking out at level of pigs dick. Think about it… or don’t depending on how weak your stomach is.
Stop!Stop! Connecticut Yankee, you’re killing me! “Dude. Look up. Flying pigs!” ROFLMAO!!
I have personal reasons for hating the terrorists, but everybody does. Don’t screw with my country then my damned heritage.
and the oscar for “best whispering voice over” goes to…..
Dear Ken,
**** BWHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA ****
Before you let the pigs eat them, you should throw the terrorists into the sty with them, that way they won’t get their 72 virgins or whatever…Not only do virgins dislike pigs, but if a Muslim touches one, supposedly they go straight to hell…Now that’s torture!!! Then kill the bastard and let the pigs eat the bastards.