Archive of entries posted on 17th June 2004

It’s Not the Act That’s Important; It’s the Commission of the Act

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So the 9/11 Commission has found no link between Iraq and al Qaeda on attacking on the September 11th attack. So what? Do they expect us to apologize to Saddam now or something? He had what was coming, and everyone should be happy.
So why are we wasting money on a commission like this? I have some better ideas for commissions and studies the government could do:
TOP TEN PROPOSED GOVERNMENT COMMISSIONS AND STUDIES
10. Commission to find out what things are most fun to burn.
9. Study of the cost benefit ratio to make missile guidance systems accurate enough to guide a cruise missile directly up a terrorist’s ass.
8. Commission to find what caused the Clinton presidency and reelection and what steps are needed to prevent it from ever happening again.
7. Study on the size of Ted Kennedy’s head and its affect on troop morale.
6. Commission to find who owns the green Ford Taurus in the parking lot that has its headlights on.
5. Study of what are the root causes of a terrorists’ mentality and how different caliber bullets affect that thinking.
4. Commission to root out monkey influence in government and Hollywood.
3. Commission to investigate where have all the flowers gone.
2. Study on the cause and prevention of hippies.
And the number one proposed commission or study–
Commision to find out why IMAO.us doesn’t get more traffic.

Bite-Sized Wisdom: Smart, Important People Against Bush, the Clinton Documentary and Portrait, the Cost of Marital Fidelity, and It Was Self-Defense; I Swear!

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  • There is a coalition of former diplomats against Bush, and we should like listen to them because they’re diplomats – well, former ones. Of course, I don’t what kinds of diplomats they are; it could be like when they say there are all these scientists who agree that global warming will destroy the planet and then you find out some of the scientists who made this conclusion are specialized in the breeding habits of fruit flies.
    All I’m saying is, at this point, I wouldn’t give them any more consideration than the coalition of drunken hobos against Bush.
  • And where is Kerry’s coalition of unnamed former leaders in support of him?
  • Apparently someone made a Clinton documentary. I don’t know much about, such as whether it’s going to be on the big screen or go straight to adult video stores.
  • Sorry. Obvious joke. I should write for Leno.
  • While we’re on the topic of Bill Clinton, they recently unveiled the Bill Clinton presidential portrait and the Hillary Clinton gargoyle.
  • Okay, now I need like the web version of a rim shot.
  • Apparently Iraqis don’t like us. Just one thing: who cares? It’s our job to get things done; we’ll leave being liked to the impotent Old Europe. The Iraqis just better live happily in freedom after we leave or they’re really going to get it!
  • What do you go on to from Speaker of the House? Apparently an Amazon.com reviewer. And who say politicians never contribute to society. So does he recommend any good books with tips on hunting giraffes?
  • Worried that you husband is cheating you? Well, the secret to marital fidelity isn’t love, honor, and commitment; instead, it’s PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!
    Yes, studies show that even the most gigolo of voles can be made faithful by inserting a certain gene into its brain. Whether this will work on humans is uncertain, but there are some similarities between voles and humans in how they don’t like PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!
    Actually, I can already see how this will be effective:

WIFE: “You better stop looking at other women, Roy, or it’s PAINFUL INJECTIONS TO THE BRAIN!”
HUSBAND: (quivering in fear) “I only have eyes for you, dear!”

  • Some people thought my “I can’t wait until I get mugged!” comment from my recent (and sub-par) range report was a bad idea. My commenters seemed to understand it was a joke (though this muckadoo didn’t), but are concerned that, if, heaven forbid, I one day end up in self-defense shooting, a prosecutor could use that statement against me.
    Well, I would just like to tell this hypothetical prosecutor that the statement was most certainly a joke. I always carry responsibly and never look for trouble. Any implications that I’m like the Charles Bronson character from Death Wish is completely crazy and inaccurate.
    What? You’re not buying that?
    Uh… then… I didn’t write that at all! The mugger’s family must have hired someone to hack into my website and add that statement to set me up. That shooting was purely self-defense, and any implications…
    So what if he was shot in the back of the head? I, as unlikely as it sounds, missed, and the bullet ricocheted off a wall and hit him in the back of the head.
    What? Pre-fragmented ammo doesn’t ricochet? Is that what your ballistics “expert” is telling you? What the hell does he know?
    Oh, he wrote that book? I thought his name sounded familiar. Gee, then… uh…
    Screw this. I’m now pleading insanity.
    I am the lizard king!