With the Jewish New Year Rosh Hoshana coming up in less than a week (October 4th), I thought I’d take a moment to answer your questions about the holiday.
Q: Why is it on a different day every year?
A: It’s not. It’s on the first of Tishrei, you moron.
Q: Why does Rosh Hoshana begin at sundown?
A: The sun is a skin cancer-causing Muslim spy, and we won’t celebrate while it is watching us.
Q: What does Rosh Hoshana mean?
A: It means that I’m still going to write 5765 on all of my checks like a fool.
Q: Why do you blow a ram’s horn on Rosh Hoshana?
A: Because the car’s horn is broken.
Q: On American New Year’s, you eat black eyed peas for good luck. What do you eat on Rosh Hoshana?
A: Apples dipped in honey, bread dipped in honey… we dip a lot of things in honey. Once, I paid for my apples and bread with a credit card. It was dipped in honey along with the receipt. Do you know how hard it is to sign something that’s been dipped in honey?
Q: How do you pronounce that bread that Jews eat on Rosh Hoshana?
A: “Bread.”
Q: Why is no work permitted on Rosh Hoshana?
A: Because the synagogue doesn’t have Wifi and we forgot the cable to connect the laptop to the cell phone.
Q: Some Jew just said “L’shanah tovah 5766” to me? What does it mean?
A: “Sha Na Na is coming back for 5766.”
So, folks, L’shana tovah, and save some bread for me. Otherwise, I may have to dip you in honey.
I love being educated on own blog.
Do the bees have to be Jewish for the honey to be kosher?
It all depnds on how you kill them, I think.
Is the bread that you dip in honey leavened or unleavened?
Does my new-found knowledge of the facts presented in this thread entitle me to part of the Jewish World Conspiracy loot?
Bah, “eating black-eyed peas on American New Year’s to bring good luck.” I laugh at the idea. Mock it, snort at it I do! Ridiculous superstition!!!
Everyone knows you eat ham and beans on American New Year’s for good luck! I mean, it’s in the Constitution, right? Somewhere in there after “unalienable rights bestowed by the Creator”. Look it up!
Yeah.
jews suck
Oh, yeah, just one more thing… Jews are morons morons, morons and morons again. Suicidal maniac morons.
apotheosis –
Absolutely. There’s just one final. inconsequential step. Please check in at nicedoggie.net and ask for the Imperial Mohel.
Only an idiot insults someone who works for an ISP.
Tum tee tum… friendly note to friend at DOJ… sent
Now you’re REALLY going to think we Jews suck, pal.
But Larry –
What can you do to this pile of pig crap – freedom of speech and all that?
apotheosis,
No, you must have been Bar or Bat Mitzvahed, where, as I explained before, young Jews are secretly initiated into the World Zionist Conspiracy. See, we invented that whole “becoming a man/woman” thing to confuse the gentile.
And, G.I. Joe, I lost you after “Jews.”
trackbacks url wasnt working.
loved the post
http://life-of-rubin.blogspot.com/2005/09/what-is-rosh-hashana-more-humorous.html
Keep the educational posts coming. I can’t wait to hear about Yom Kippur.
Why do some Jews skip Sukkot?
sounds like GI Joe must be a psuedo name…after all, if he were really one of ours he would know that even if you are not jewish, it is a religion with a lot less violence than say the allah and kill the infidel religion.
Liar! I looked it up. There are 12 months in a year, and none of them are named ‘Tishrei’.
Man, you just can’t trust Lawrence Simon.
What the hell kind of name is “Simon” for a Jew, anyway? 😉