maybe she likes me better

Frank was looking over my shoulder and saw my gmail…
FRANK: You got a forward from [my ex-girlfriend]? I didn’t get a forward from her.
SARAHK: Maybe she likes me better… she never broke up with me.
FRANK: Wait, lemme go check my spam filter.
[because it couldn’t be that she likes me better, right?]
FRANK [yelling from the other room]: Nope, I guess she just emails you now!
poor thing.

that’s why i quit my job

At the press screening for Serenity last night, Frank and I sat next to three other bloggers and talked to them briefly after the movie. Here’s one snippet:
SARAHK: How do I get to your blog?
RACHEL: Well, it’s not linked on my homepage… my blog tended to get me in trouble at work.
SARAHK: Yeah, me too. That’s why I stopped working.

Links of the Day

Sorry to be late on this one, but this week’s Carnival of the Recipes is going on at triticale. Also, there is a new schedule for COTR – recipes are due by noon on Saturdays, and the host or hostess can post the Carnival at any time that weekend. So make sure to send in your recipes by Saturday!
And don’t forget this week’s Carnival of Cordite submissions. See Gullyborg on how to do that, because I don’t know and am too lazy to look it up.
And see Spacemonkey’s post about the Carnival of Comedy.

And the Next Secretary General of the UN is…

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
Ya just GOTTA figure that – sooner or later – that corrupt, embezzling weasel Kofi Annan will get perp-walked out of the UN building.
Which means they’ll have to pick a new Secretary General.
Never hurts to start planning ahead. Bush didn’t, and now he’s got…. what… seven Supreme Court vacancies to fill?… and he’s nominated John Roberts for all of them.
Lack of planning, man… just sad.
Fortunately, I’m on top of things with the UNSG. Here’s my short list:


  • Bambi! He will save us from Godzilla! He… aw CRAP!
  • The SON of Bambi! HE will save us from Godzilla!
  • Jesse Jackson – He knows how to unite the many-colored peoples of the world into one happy rainbow. Just like Skittles!
  • Mmmm… Skittles…
  • Bill Gates – If anyone opposes his mighty will, he can make their computer cr
  • Hmmm… must’ve accidentally opposed Bill Gates.
  • An Inanimate Carbon Rod – He’s already proved his worth by thwarting the plans of the evil insect overlords.
  • Frank J. – The moon will finally get the nuking it so richly deserves.
  • Jacques Chirac – Then we’d be able to ignore the UN and the French at the same time, thus increasing America’s disdainfulness quotient.
  • SarahK – She’ll make the UN pretty by riddling it with bullets.

All have their virtues, but you KNOW who I just have to give the nod to:
* John Bolton

Who’s Doing What Now?

Man, I missed something. What’s this about Rep. David Dreier being a lesbian or what-not? For a political blog, I really need to stay in the loop more.

Carnival Reminder

Hey losers! The Carnival of Comedy is coming up! It’s not too late to get in on its rich chocolately goodness.
Upcoming Carnival Schedule
Week 22 – Sep. 29 – Steve The Pirate
Week 23 – Oct. 06 – Don Surber
Week 24 – Oct. 13 – for bloggin outloud
Week 25 – Oct. 20 – Laurence Simon
Week 26 – Oct. 27 – Shoot A Liberal

A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 36 – Faith

BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 35)


“The syndicate has never given me much guidelines on civilian deaths,” I explained to Diane. She seemed to be concentrating on driving, but I could tell she was listening. “As I explained, gauging one thing as a horrible slaughter versus just a slaughter is not my strong point. As I’ve understood things, they just assigned me to jobs where they want people scared, and some collateral damage helps with that.
“I was assigned to kill some two-bit thug pretending to be crime boss on Antero – well, he was big enough to pretty much run that planet, but that’s still small potatoes to the syndicate. The guy was smart enough to know he was gaining our ire, so he had his defenses. I guess he figured if he made himself a hard enough target, the syndicate would decide he would take too many resources to squash and ignore him. What the guy didn’t know is the syndicate had me, and I had taken on much tougher assignments by myself before.
“I only spent about a day scoping out the area. The hit is often the easy part; it’s the getting away alive that can be trouble. I find well placed explosive can help as they are both good for killing and creating fear and confusion in my adversaries. I had many explosives planted and a number of different escape roots planned before I heard about some local festival that would be taking place in the area the next day. I figured that would only give me more cover as I could disappear into the crowd.
“The hit was simple; no one ever seems prepared for one man running in shooting. My mark lying dead in his office, I shot my way back out of the building and ran into the now panicked crowd of people in the streets. I figured the bodyguards wouldn’t spend too much time pursuing me; I mean, their guy was already dead. Still, they went after me, firing into the crowd as I fired back. Sentients were dropping left and right in the crossfire, and then the police for that planet – corrupt thugs themselves – started firing on me.
“I was pinned, and, since those shooting at many didn’t care about the civilians, I didn’t see why I should. So I set off all the explosives. About the whole area blew up. A little dizzy, I headed in what I thought to be the general direction of an escape point while firing at anything I saw move through the smoke – I didn’t have time to figure out who were threats. Dip picked me up in my ship, and, a shower later, I was back to normal.
“I don’t know how many died on Antero; the number held no interest to me. It did seem like an especially large number of civilians – mostly families, too – but I figured if it was a problem, the syndicate would tell me. They didn’t say anything; just paid me for the job. It was not too long after that my handler got switched to the current idiot I get assignments through; maybe I should have suspected something then.”
There was another surge of anger, but I pushed it back. “They just needed to explain things to me, that’s all. Like I said, I just don’t understand when I cross the line. I mean, I killed lots of people that day – most of whom didn’t deserve it by the standards usually given. But, I hardly killed anyone at all if you compare it to how many people died that day in the entire universe from whatever cause might find him or her. Most people just don’t have that large of a perspective.” I looked to Diane and smiled. She appeared to have her full concentration on driving, but I could see her shudder slightly. “Except maybe God.”
Diane still didn’t look to me. “So, you slaughtered families and that doesn’t affect you in the least.”
I chuckled. “Guilt is just a word to me.”
She smiled. “As I said, you’re bad at the truth, but you are a very good liar, obviously. I wonder how many of your own lies have you fallen for.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re smart; you figure it out,” she replied as she began to land the vehicle. With all that was going on, I really didn’t need someone trying to make me doubt myself. Well, the dumping her in a ditch option was always on the table — as long as I didn’t let her get me in a wrist lock again.
It was starting to get dark when we entered her apartment building. She had a ground floor apartment; my guess is she sought one out specifically. Ease of access, plus gives you a safe direction to point a gun when handling (for me, a safe direction is any direction not towards me).
“You mentioned God before,” Diane said as we entered her apartment, “Do you believe in Him?”
Her apartment was sparsely decorated. There was a picture of a man and woman on one wall – her parents, I assume – and, a few less prominent pictures – other relatives, as I recognized some from Bible study. There was also one of those wooden t’s on one wall. That always seemed an odd way to kill someone, and I never quite understood the celebration of the execution device of your Savior. I mean, I know it’s supposed to represent His sacrifice, but why isn’t it considered more gruesome?
“Rico?”
Oh yeah, her question. “No, I don’t believe in God. Can’t believe in something I can’t observe; I just don’t understand the human condition of faith – of just blindly accepting some assertions as truth.”
She stared at me a moment before finally uttering, “Bull.” She then opened a panel on the wall where she took out some weaponry.
“Would you like to expand upon that?”
“Everyone worships a god,” Diane said as she checked a pistol, “whether he or she thinks she does or not. You, Rico, must have some belief system… some faith… that motivates you to do what you do. You say you want to kill as many Randatti and Corloni as possible. Why?”
“Well, Corloni betrayed me… and… uh… I’ve just always killed the Randatti.”
“You could run.”
“And do what? I’m a killer; that’s what I am good at. It’s what I do.”
“Says who?”
I laughed. “You want me to run, Diane?”
“No.” She zipped up her bag of guns and handed it to me. “You have sins to atone for. I think you know that.”
“I can’t be saved, Diane; I’m unrepentant,” I told her quite seriously, “I don’t feel guilt. I would think a rational person would like the idea I’m at least intent on wiping out bad people as perhaps my last action in this universe.”
“Who says I’m rational.” She pointed to the cross. “You feel wronged, so you want justice, Rico. Your idea of mass slaughter is hollow, though.”
I laughed again. “You have a better idea? These people could destroy this planet if they wanted. You want me to throw Bibles at them and hope they’ll see the light?”
She looked me in the eyes. “What’s your plan for after this?”
“I’ll be dead… or I won’t. If I’m not dead, the Corloni and the Randatti will hunt me… or I could hunt them. Inevitably, I’ll be dead at some point, and I guess that wraps things up.”
“Do you fear death?”
“I guess I should if you’re right about what awaits me, but, no. I don’t. Faced it too many times, already.”
She kept her gaze on me. “Do you want to die?”
“Uh… living seems to suit me just fine.” I smiled. “Why fix what ain’t broke. Now, don’t you have some packing to do?”
She finally turned away. “I need to grab some clothes.”
“You can pick out the outfits, and I’ll pick out your underwear.” She stared at me with shock. “I’m just joking,” I explained to her, “Sometime sentients use humor to defuse tense situations.”
She laughed as she turned and headed for her bedroom. “So what was up with those pills I saw you drop once?” She asked as she disappeared into her room.
My pills – I still had them in a pocket. I was thinking of what to tell her about those, but she came out of her bedroom right away, ushered forward by someone who had an arm around Diane’s neck and a gun to her head.
Well, sucks to be her.
NEXT

What to Buy for the Man Who’s Killed Everyone?

Looks like my brother, Sgt. Joe foo’ the Marine, should be heading home soon, first going from Fallujah to Kuwait before going to North Carolina and finally getting leave to Boise. I was thinking I should probably get him a gift, but what’s like the standard gift for someone returning from war? I was never taught that, but I have some ideas:
* A bottle of whiskey (only thing worse than war is war with no booze).
* A gift certificate for Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
* A coupon for psychiatric help for that pesky Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
* A case of whiskey.
* Some bootleg DVDs with Arabic subtitles so the change to civilian life isn’t too jarring.
* An IMAO t-shirt (who doesn’t love those?).
* A subscription to “Whiskey of the Month” club.
* A battle-scarred Vermont Teddy Bear.
* “My Other Car Is a Tank” bumper sticker.
* The head of some hippy protestor on a stick.
* Does whiskey come in gallon jugs?
* A cool gun… or do think he’d be tired of those?
* GI Joe action figures so he can reenact his own tour of duty (do they come with their own little plastic portable DVD player and GameBoy Advance for realism?).
* The movie Farenheit 911 so he knows he was only fighting for Halliburton and Bush’s cronies.
* Some Halliburton stock, so he’ll really felt he had a stake in that war.
* So what’s like the best whiskey brand?
Any other ideas for gifts? Please put them in the comments.

Rosh Hoshana Q&A

With the Jewish New Year Rosh Hoshana coming up in less than a week (October 4th), I thought I’d take a moment to answer your questions about the holiday.
Q: Why is it on a different day every year?
A: It’s not. It’s on the first of Tishrei, you moron.
Q: Why does Rosh Hoshana begin at sundown?
A: The sun is a skin cancer-causing Muslim spy, and we won’t celebrate while it is watching us.
Q: What does Rosh Hoshana mean?
A: It means that I’m still going to write 5765 on all of my checks like a fool.
Q: Why do you blow a ram’s horn on Rosh Hoshana?
A: Because the car’s horn is broken.
Q: On American New Year’s, you eat black eyed peas for good luck. What do you eat on Rosh Hoshana?
A: Apples dipped in honey, bread dipped in honey… we dip a lot of things in honey. Once, I paid for my apples and bread with a credit card. It was dipped in honey along with the receipt. Do you know how hard it is to sign something that’s been dipped in honey?
Q: How do you pronounce that bread that Jews eat on Rosh Hoshana?
A: “Bread.”
Q: Why is no work permitted on Rosh Hoshana?
A: Because the synagogue doesn’t have Wifi and we forgot the cable to connect the laptop to the cell phone.
Q: Some Jew just said “L’shanah tovah 5766” to me? What does it mean?
A: “Sha Na Na is coming back for 5766.”
So, folks, L’shana tovah, and save some bread for me. Otherwise, I may have to dip you in honey.

Your Daily Dose of Hippy-Bashing

“Don’t be a squirrel. Defend your nuts.”
See Tom of Hamstermotor for an explanation.

“Were There Monkeys? Some Terrifying Space Monkeys Maybe Got Loose?”

I’ll do quotes from the movie later (after everyone has had a chance to see it), but here are great quotes from the series Firefly. It includes some narration I hadn’t heard before because it was used when shown on FOX but not on the DVDs.
This list is missing one of my favorite quotes which is from the pilot. Can anyone guess what it is?
And what are your favorite episodes? When introducing the series to someone new, I usually skip ahead to “Shindig” which is one of my favorite. “War Stories” might be the best, in my opinion (except for the lesbian love scene, which, if SarahK asks, I hate).
UPDATE: Hint for the favorite quote – it’s near the beginning of the pilot and is said on the ship Serenity (I really should just add it to IMDB; am I the only one who loved that quote?).

Time to Fess Up

Who here voted for Hagel?
I won’t be angry; I’ll just stangle you.
If you haven’t voted in the straw poll, do so. We need to show that IMAO is a power-player! Then politicians will come and bow down before me! Muh ha ha ha!

Frank Movie Reviews: Serenity

“I am a leaf on the wind.”

Holy.
That movie was so intense it was like a punch to the guy afterwards. It was definitely not just a two hour long episode of Firefly. It had a lot of the humor fans of the series love (especially all the times the main character, Captain Malcolm Reynolds – no relation to the puppy blender – starts to get dramatic and then deflates the scene with a humorous line), but the humor was just short breathers from the plot of the movie which had the crew of Serenity looking about as hopeless as possible. It’s their one ship with no guns versus the entire Alliance government with its battleships and unlimited resources.
For the uninitiated, mankind has spread out from Earth to terraform other planets. Some, the central planets, became huge advanced civilizations. Others remained backwater planets. Eventually the Alliance was formed to unite all the planets – whether they wanted it or not – which led to war, the scrappy rebels known as the “Browncoats” fighting for independence from the Alliance.
And they lost.
Captain Reynolds (known as “Mal” to most of the crew) was on the losing side of that war — which, at the beginning of the movie, had been over for a number of years – and captains a ship where they take any job they can, legal or illegal, to keep on going and being free, something that has become harder as the Alliance continues to grow.
Furthering Mal’s problem, a while back (that would be the pilot of the T.V. series – which, incidentally, FOX didn’t air first) he picked up two stragglers: a doctor used to only living on civilized planets and his sister, River, who a brilliant schizophrenic who apparently was some Alliance government experiment. At the beginning of the movie, the Alliance becomes determined to do anything to get her for reasons that eventually become quite clear.
The cast, as I knew coming into this, was phenomenal. Of course, it’s too large for all to get equal time, and most of the focus of the movie was with the Captain himself. The bad guy, The Operative, while not quite as menacing personally as the trailers mad him seem, made for a very effective villain, evil enough to push the main characters into danger that would otherwise be unbelievable for them to take up (by the end, everyone has a chip on his or her shoulder).
The special effects were very special, and at times it almost seemed to be aiming to look like a summer blockbuster. In the end, though, it stayed true to being a very character driven action/drama/sci-fi movie. It even had a central theme – beliefs – which sounds kinda cheesy but plays out well. Honestly, I can’t remember a better movie going experience in a long time (SarahK kept suddenly blurting out, “That was so good!” about fifty times on our way back from Orlando – a long with quoting many of the memorable lines), and, since The Operative knew martial arts and carried a sword, I’ll declare him a ninja (a prerequisite for the coveted five star rating).
So, yes, I give this movie five out of five stars and order everyone to see it this weekend. SarahK and I will see it again Friday at our local theatre, where, hopefully, it will be shown on the digital projector (cigarette burns are so distracting to me ever since I’ve seen the movie Fight Club). Monday, there will be a spoiler discussion and vote for best line from the move (so many to choose from!).
Oh, and I’ll give one minor spoiler (and there is more than you’d think to spoil): the theme song from Firefly only appears as a guitar solo at the end of the credits.
For the view of someone who had never seen the series, here’s Glenn Reynolds’ thoughts (and, apparently, he’s now a convert – I’ve converted four people to Firefly fans, myself) and links to more blogger reviews.
Also, I met three other bloggers at the screening. One couple, Rachel and Jim, and a guy named Duane. They’ll probably have reviews up soon, but, in the meantime, make sure to check them out since none of them seem to have heard of SarahK or me, so it’ll be funny to hit them with a big traffic surge.
One last thing, there was only one preview for this screening – the trailer for Doom. As long time FPS player, the FPS sequences of the trailer made me giddy (and got a big reaction from the crowd). I want to fight demons with a chainsaw!