Looks like my brother, Sgt. Joe foo’ the Marine, should be heading home soon, first going from Fallujah to Kuwait before going to North Carolina and finally getting leave to Boise. I was thinking I should probably get him a gift, but what’s like the standard gift for someone returning from war? I was never taught that, but I have some ideas:
* A bottle of whiskey (only thing worse than war is war with no booze).
* A gift certificate for Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
* A coupon for psychiatric help for that pesky Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
* A case of whiskey.
* Some bootleg DVDs with Arabic subtitles so the change to civilian life isn’t too jarring.
* An IMAO t-shirt (who doesn’t love those?).
* A subscription to “Whiskey of the Month” club.
* A battle-scarred Vermont Teddy Bear.
* “My Other Car Is a Tank” bumper sticker.
* The head of some hippy protestor on a stick.
* Does whiskey come in gallon jugs?
* A cool gun… or do think he’d be tired of those?
* GI Joe action figures so he can reenact his own tour of duty (do they come with their own little plastic portable DVD player and GameBoy Advance for realism?).
* The movie Farenheit 911 so he knows he was only fighting for Halliburton and Bush’s cronies.
* Some Halliburton stock, so he’ll really felt he had a stake in that war.
* So what’s like the best whiskey brand?
Any other ideas for gifts? Please put them in the comments.
How about a cardboard cutout of Osama bin Laden with a target painted on his forehead? Hell, I’d pay for it, if I had any money.
Whiskey does in fact come in gallon jugs, although you usually have to buy it at the distillery’s gift shop (most have one).
and Maker’s Mark is probably the best whiskey (technically it’s bourbon, but same diff) out there.
How bout a t-shirt that says,
“Ask me about my confirmed kills!”
Galloon jugs?
Ever heard of “moonshine?”
Since he was only fighting for oil, why not a barrell of whiskey?
Well, this is easy, get him a map to Michael Moore’s house, a sniper scope for his rifle, and a Romulan personal cloaking device!
Irish Whiskey, Scotch, Canadian, or Kentucky?
Single Malt or Blended?
You can’t go wrong with Glenfiddich for a good single-malt scotch.
I also like Johnny Walker Black for a blended scotch.
Or you could combine the welcome-back-from-war present with the groomsmens’ present. Get him a tiny, tiny, gun for irony.
I like the idea of soldiers getting Haliburton call-options.
Employee benefits, so to speak.
I know these are supposed to be funny; but you can give him my heartfelt thanks, for starters. After that, I know when I was a squid, I always appreciated getting a hooker(s) and alcohol of any variety as a gift,
Crown comes in half gallons. Or at least the metric equivalent. They have a nice handle so that you can hold one in each hand. That’s about as close to a gallon as you can get.
For scotch whiskey (single malt), there are a number of good choices, but Laphroaig, Glenmorangie, Dalwhinnie, Macallan, and Bowmore are some of my favorites. All very different (some are smokey, others sweeter, some with a hint of salt air, etc.) but all well worth the price of admission.
For blended scotch (which generally gives me a headache), Chivas and Haig & Haig are the best of the bunch (IMO).
For single cask bourbon-style whiskey (because not all are made in Bourbon County), I prefer Knob Creek, Booker’s, and Baker’s.
Same category, but blended: Jack Daniel’s, Jim Beam, and Early Times.
My suggestion: try them all (it’s a dirty job, but somebody has to do it) and then get additional bottles of the ones you like best for gifting purposes.
I prefer Knob Creek as well, but Maker’s Mark is also good.
When it comes to whiskey (or whisky, if you drink Scotch), I’m strictly a bourbon man. I like Wild Turkey 101 even better than I like Maker’s Mark 90 Proof, and it’s cheaper, at least here. It also, as the names indicate, has more alcohol, which may have something to do with why I like it better.
I say give him a night on the town with a pack of condoms. Then a chase of beer/whiskey etc. some time in a spa. and a new .357 mag pistol. just to say thanks.
Gallon’s Jugs?
Who is Gallon?
No, Seriously, Tell him from all of us, Thanks, he is truly a hero!!
Call him a chickenhawk
Another episode of SuperEgo, perhaps?
Bookers Bourbon, Elija Craig 18 year old single barrel, Wild Turkey Kentucky Spirit, Jefferson’s Reserve, Maker’s Mark VIP, Old Charter Proprieter’s Reserve.
Of those, Booker’s and Old Charter are the most interesting, with Elija Craig and Jefferson’s coming close. Both the Wild Turkey KS and Maker’s Mark VIP are very, very good and probably easier to find.
If money is no object (and he is your brother) – A.H. Hirsch 16 Year Old Reserve, and Distiller’s Masterpiece 20 Year Bourbon – in a completely different category.
Buy him 16 year-old Bushmills Irish Whiskey.
I got a really great bottle of MacCallan Cask Strength Single Malt for my last birthday. Its nice!
I have a friend who gets his Scotch from Scotland. His friend goes there occassionally and brings back the stuff they don’t export. My fav is one called Cadenhead. It is to this day the most amazing Scotch I’ve ever had! Shame you can’t get it over this side.
If you are going with Bushmills, then try the Black Bush.
Either that or Glenmorangie.
But I’d start with thanks.
Another vote for Makers Mark.
One of the few truly enjoyable alcohol drinking experiences there is. A bottle of Makers Mark and a few good cigars should be more than enough thanks for any man!
one of rush’s “still voting democrat? you’re stuck on stupid” bumper stickers for his suv
wow, reading this, someone would think you’re all a bunch of drunks.
and they wouldnt be far off. 🙂
Crown Royal is the stuff.
I think a fitting gift would be to invite him to a wedding. Maybe make him best man. Hmmmmm, now where can we find a wedding that would allow him to be best man?
I’ll have to get back to you on that.
Or, you could tell him how grateful the people here are for his service.
Or both.
Bushmills. And a whetstone, so you can have him bring his Marine dress sabre to the wedding for defending your back, as the REALLY old traditions demand.
My kid fell in love with one of those Camel Xing signs in Outback (not to mention also 16 waitresses), you can give him one for the barracks. Then throw in a waitress for good measure.
“wow, reading this, someone would think you’re all a bunch of drunks.”
i’ll drunk you, hippy!
beer and a sweater….
unless you know he really prefers a moaner or a yeller.
A cat.
A large bowl of gravy, a spoon, some sunglasses and pants.
A Koran.
You have to get him one of these sentry guns It will make his next guard duty extra easy.
…but lose the air soft rifle and replace it with a real FN P90.
My son’s drink of preference when he returned was Johnny Walker Blue with a Coors chaser. We had a VERY interesting phone converation when he finally got back to Germany!
Tell Joe Foo from a mom who has had four sons there, THANK YOU!!!
I don’t know your Leather Neck bro’s personal tasts, but I remember this working for me when I got back:
1. An hour long HOT shower, w/ a cold 6 pack of Sam Adams in a cooler next to the tub.
2. A 32 oz. steak w/ trimings at the best steak house in town (Ruth Chris?)… And more beer (German Pilsner’s go best w/ steak!)
3. Nite out at the two or three best bars in town (must have live bands, and Geniuss on tap)
4. Around 4 hours of lap dances at a smokn’ “Gentlemen Club”.
5. The best piece of ‘Tail’ he can find or buy, and a motel room, for the next 48 hours. Pretty skanks that get freaky do the best.
THEN,
6. A week stright of good family, friends, any Kentucky bourbon, & full control of the TV remote. (Sneak in more ‘Tail’ when able.)
God bless that Tread Head, and thank him often for his service!
Ah don’t be so cheap, buy him the whole list…
Well, once you get him these how could he possibly want anything else??
* A case of whiskey
* An IMAO t-shirt
And if he doesn’t want them, I can send you my address … (besides, my IMAO Tshirt is wearing thin these days)
/TJ
PS – glad he’s coming home safe & sound.
Maker’s Mark. Definitely. And if not a case, at least a gallon’s worth.
Oh, and saw a cool Tshirt at the Support our Troops rally Sunday – “Terrorist Hunter”
TMH snagged a picture of it:
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y226/the_maryhunter/Hunter.jpg
(just change the waterborne ops part)
… 🙂
/TJ
A gallon of moonshine, A carton of cigarettes, and a Big Mac.
i’ll drunk you, hippy!
bring it, tree hugger!
Macallan is made by my peeps!
Seriously, the Mccallan clan is an offshoot of Clan MacKay, the clan of my ancestors.
If you go for Scots Whisky, make it Macallan.
Note that I said Scots and not Scotch. That is proper. Also, notice that there is no “e” in whisky. This is also proper when referring to any Scots or Irish whisky. American and Canadian whiskeys have an “e.”
Maker’s Mark is great, but they violate the “e” rule.
The best American whiskeys are Bookers and Basil Hayden.
Bookers is not only kick ass good, but is 127 (ONE HUNDRED FRIGGIN TWENTY SEVEN!) proof!
Basil Hayden is the smoothest sippin’ whiskey on the market.
I would get him a bottle of Bookers, some nice cigars, and a handgun. Package them all together, just to thumb your nose at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.
What handgun?
Something American, that shoots really big bullets.
I’d go Colt Anaconda. I used to have one myself (out of the custom shop), but had to sell it.
oh, and for the record, bourbon IS whiskey. with an “e.”
You should get him a bottle of Chivas, a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue, a bottle of Maker’s Mark, and a bottle of Jack Daniels Single Barrel. Then cut out little pictures of Osama bin Laden from magazines and paint targets on his head, and put several of those on each bottle. There’s nothing like the home-made touch to show you love ’em!
Just to set the record straight, Joe foo’ prefers a good microbrew over whiskey any ol’ day. A good steak, a good beer, and a good woman are what he wants most. (Oh, and of course, an IMAO shirt of his very own!)
I’d vote for “The head of some hippy protestor on a stick”, but if no hippies are available or their heads are too small for the stick, then I’d vote for Knob Creek. Either the bourbon or the gun range: http://www.knobcreekrange.com
Pomoze Bog.
How about a “Muslim Girls Gone Wild” DVD? I’m told they actually life up their burkahs high enough to see their ankles.
Now I don’t know from alcohol, so thats lost on me. What to do for him…the bumper sticker idea is good for a laugh. You could give him a firm handshake, a slap on the back, a warm embrace with a sincere thank you . I hear this is a good book.
Really, thank him for me.
I go witht the hippy’s head on a stick…and if none are anywhere close…I can ship you some in a cardboard box…or just some good ol’ Jim Bean.
Ummm….
I don’t drink much anymore, and never had much of a taste for whiskey, so I can’t recommend anything there. But I do recommend…
A case of hippies’ heads on sticks. You know. For yard decorations. Like those little yard gnomes everyone loves so much.
Oh. And one more thing.
My everlasting and most humble thanks for serving our country against the enemy who seeks our ruin.
Gullyborg,
Watch it. You’ve got a member of the clan Gunn here. We used to feud back in the good ole days. Dad & I went to a Scottish festival and he wanted to start up the clan wars again with the Keiths & Mackays.
Seriously though, tell Joe Foo’ ‘Thank you and you are my hero’.
I like Scotch, but I heard Ted Kennedy makes money on all the imports. Good old all American Bourbon should suffice, but never run out of beer.
He’s probably got a semi-auto, like a .45 or something. A revolver of your favorite caliber would probably be appreciated.
Use your imagination for a new t-shirt. Lots of people would want a Joe Foo’ original.
Semper Fi, Joe Foo’, and Thank You.
Ditto Citizen Grim… Go for the Maker’s Mark. Even if their not a huge bourbon drinker, mix it with a small amount of ginger ale.
Mmmmm….
Never mind “just whiskey”, go all the way. McAllen’s Scotch, 18 years aged in an oak barrel. It’s the red lable one.
There are always these two shirts…..
“762 grains of diplomacy” – He’ll get it
or
“If you run, you’ll only die tired!”
Based on experience… his own bathroom, with a WaterPik(tm) adjustable showerhead, a bathtub with waterjets that he could be completely underwater in if he wanted to, a real flush toilet, Charmin(tm), soft fluffy towels…. lots and lots of hot water…
… and someone else to clean it.
Historically, just about every clan was at war with the MacKays. I think the MacKays also fought the French, the Belgians, and several tribes from the Pacific Northwest. We’re an angry clan. Rumor has it Chomps is a direct decendent of Fainghnorgh (pronounced “Fangy”), the legendary beast of clan founder Angus Dow MacKay. Ironically, Donald Rumsfeld’s first confirmed kill may have been a MacKay, in a brawl that started over three chicks and only two bottles of Macallan in a Princeton frat house party. Back to the topic at hand: if Joe Foo’ prefers beer to whisky, then look for a Scotch Ale, preferrably one with the identifier of “wee heavy.”
MAKE A SCRAPBOOK SO THAT WHEN THE PTST HITS HE WILL REMEBER WHAT LED TO THE EVENTS.
A Hooker
a cute girl next door looking hooker for a weekend romance
a nice set of Egyption cotton towels
a woodsman’s pal
a case of Glen Levit
and some ammo
Hire some neighborhood kids to shoot bottle rockets at his house at night at random intervals and poop in his yard. Should help with the reintgration…a little at a time.
I personally would vote for the following. Go to any liquor store and get him 1 of every bottle that says Single Malt, that way he can appreciate what true diversity is and have a hell of a time doing it.
Also give him our mega thanks for his service.
all of the above!!!
and if he is in north carolina tell him to e-mail me and stop by my gun shop i’ll hook him up with a rifle at cost assuming that he can legal own one and more give him more ammo than he could possibly want.
jarhead
Go army!!