(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
A lot of people have tried to blame Hurricane Katrina on President Bush.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., for example, claims it’s because Bush refused to sign legislation reducing CO2 output, thus contributing to global warming and causing chaotic weather patterns, including Hurricane Katrina.
Silly Bobby! George’s Katrina connection is far more crafty and subtle than the ham-fisted scenario that you outline. His actual contributions to global warming include such diverse elements as:
* Boiling water to make tea, but not immediately turning off the stove burner afterwards.
* Ordering extra jalapenos with his nachos.
* Allowing Kim Jong Il’s poofy hair to trap carbon dioxide – a known greenhouse gas.
* Sure, he made Kim get it cut eventually, but not until AFTER the damage was already done.
* Having two really hot daughters.
Once his negligence allowed Katrina to form, he didn’t do anything to prevent it’s destructive rampage. Consider:
* He could’ve lined the Gulf Coast with big fans and blown Katrina down to Cuba – but he didn’t.
* He could’ve ordered the space shuttle to orbit the Earth really fast, thus turning back time so that the hurricane could’ve been prevented – but he didn’t.
* He could’ve stood atop a levee shouting “By the power of Grayskull, I command you to stop!” – but he didn’t.
That’s right. He let Hurricane Katrina have free reign to do whatever the hell she wanted!
WHY?
Because hurricanes tend to vote Republican, THAT’S why!
But you’d think Chimpy McBushitler would’ve at LEAST been smart enough to make the APPEARANCE of helping out after the storm, right?
HA!
* He was overheard praying for God to “take care of those poor people in New Orleans”. Apparently he meant “take care of” in the Don Corleone sense.
* Remember that plastic turkey Bush tried serving to the troops in 2003? He could’ve airdropped thousands of them to the victims to use as flotation devices – but he didn’t!
* He was even videotaped casting a spell on the Sorcerer’s Broom to carry buckets of water into the city to drown everyone!
(artist’s conception of President Bush causing flooding)
But even if all this evidence doesn’t convince you, you still can’t deny that the following Top Secret photograph proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that George Bush is responsible for Hurricane Katrina:
(Actual picture of President Bush’s weather control machine)
Crap! Gotta run! Black helicopters!!!
Don’t let Bush get away with this!1!!
Archive of entries posted on 7th September 2005
The Katrina Blame Game
if you’ve been reading or watching news coverage of the Hurricane Katrina Disaster, you know that the most important thing we need to do right now to resolve this massive human tragedy is to assign blame to somebody.
Since it’s hard to keep track of the players without a score card, I’ve come up with something even better: a Bingo Card!
I’ve been scouring the wires and web for twenty-five of the most common targets of blame, and here they are:
A Story, Bit-by-Bit
Superego: Part 24 – Hell
BEGINNING OF STORY
PREVIOUS (PART 23)
When I got in the passenger seat, Diane handed me a book. “You are literate in standard human, right?”
“If you haven’t deduced an answer to that, you’re not a very good detective,” I answered as I looked at the cover. It said in big letters “Holy Bible” (are there other kinds?) and declared itself a King James Version. Were I a king, I’d probably ask for my own version, too.
For the uninitiated, Christianity is based on the teachings of a carpenter’s son who, ironically, was killed through an act of carpentry. According to the believers, he was the son of God Himself and will come again (when and where is conveniently unspecified – as is convenient that Jesus existed at a time on our homeworld before recording devices that would confirm the miracles the Bible supposedly documents).
Christianity is another one of those religions that tries to convert everyone, and its main problem in that end is convincing aliens that God chose the human homeworld as the place for his son, leaving the rest of the universe completely ignorant of him for thousands of years. Still, sentients seem to react to his “be nice to everybody” message, and there were a number of aliens at the church Diane brought me to.
Upon entrance, there were smiles and hugs all around, and I tried to act shy instead of annoyed. Diane did a decent job of shielding me from too many questions, though a number of people I found out to be her relatives seemed to be hoping I was a love interest.
Lot’s of information here. Diane apparently grew up with this religion – her father was a preacher as I was informed (how a preacher got him and his wife killed by a criminal syndicate made me curious; to not be sexist, though, it could have been the wife’s fault). I now knew people Diane seemed to care about (her detective demeanor was hung up at the door) which would give me great leverage against her. Her handing me this weapon against her would seem to mean she no longer suspected me of anything serious.
I’ll spare you the details of the Bible study. In summary, Jesus died for our sins (Heh. My sins? That must have hurt.). Now we can go to Heaven when we die (which is apparently really nice) by being nice to everyone, getting splashed with water, and believing all this nonsense (not necessarily in that order). Otherwise, you go to Hell which is full of fire and isn’t a nice place.
It’s one or the other; no neutral area for anyone who was just “okay.”
Also, Judgment Day is coming anytime now (as, apparently, it has been for thousands of years) when the world (I guess universe, now) will end and all will be sent to Heaven or Hell.
Were this to happen in the next couple days, it could really screw up my hit.
Needless to say, I kept quiet, reading the passages mentioned and some others out of curiosity. Diane contributed to the discussion of salvation. This made a few thing drop into place: she didn’t like me killing all those idiot terrorists because now they had no chance at salvation. She must feel guilt for the people she killed in the line of duty – even though most would say they deserved it. Interesting.
The study ended just as I found the part labeled the Old Testament had more violence in it. When I left, a number said how they enjoyed having me and hoped I’d come back for worship on the day they called Sunday. I said I’d consider it, trying to sound like I was going to consider it… which I would have if that wasn’t the day I was going to be busy killing Senator Gredler.
When I was back in the car with Diane, she asked if I wanted to catch dinner with her. I agreed since I needed more time to finesse her.
“Does Mexican sound good?”
“Sure.” That’s the one with lots of beans and cheese, right?
I kept pretending to read the Bible to keep her quiet during the car ride. I needed to prepare my performance.
When we sat down at the restaurant, I was ready for the first question. “So, what did you think?”
“I dunno. Some people see how big the universe is, and it’s proof to them there must be some higher power. Others see it just as big emptiness. I don’t know what I think myself, but it’s a big jump to believe one specific take on the Higher Power… even if you accept there is one. At times, though, I wish I had that faith.” Mix of bull and truth delivered quite well, if I do say so myself.
She just nodded. I was hoping for more.
When the waiter came (human this time), I let Diane order for me because I didn’t really understand what any of the selection were from the descriptions. I was going to ask her a question next, but she headed me off.
“So what’s the deal with you, Rico?”
“Huh?” I asked innocently– as I was confused.
“I’ve been a detective for some time, and it just seems to me that there is something to you you’re not telling me.”
“You don’t trust me?” I tried to sound a little hurt.
She hesitated. That book she liked was against lying. “I don’t know you. You seem like… a good person…”
She struggled on that last part because she didn’t actually believe it. All those people I saved, and she didn’t trust me.
She was smart. Smart enough to get her killed by me.
“But?” I prompted.
“But there’s some mystery to you.”
“Don’t detectives like mysteries?”
She laughed. “No. I became a detective to end mysteries.”
“Well, you’re still a bit of a mystery to me.” Only slightly, really. “What’s your story?”
“What do you want to know?”
“Well…” I had to sound casual asking this. “Your next assignment is to save this Senator Gredler, but I got from the Chief there’s some history between the two of you.”
“We’ve never met… I just have some theories on him.” She paused for a moment. “Well substantiated, in my opinion.”
“What?” And I will hurt you now if you don’t tell me.
“He’s in bed with the Randatti criminal syndicate.”
It was another freak out moment, but I kept my composure. “Why do you think that?”
“The criminal syndicates are obviously threatened with the growth of the Galactic Alliance. I figured they would make sure there are people in the leadership under their control. In my own time, I’ve researched the main Senators and their contacts. Through a number of different people, he’s only a few degrees separated from know Randatti figures. I’ve presented what I put together to some officials, but they don’t care. I need harder evidence, I guess.”
“But you figure Corloni knows about Gredler, too,” I said, thinking out loud, “and that’s why they want him dead?”
“I guess. Don’t know why they supposedly would send only one hitman, but it looks obvious of why they would do it during Gredler’s speech… to do it so blatantly.”
“To start a war.” My people must have seen some weakness in Randatti and decided to finish the group off.
“That’s what I think. Gredler’s not going to cancel his speech because it looks pretty ridiculous that anyone could actually get to him and survive. I’m curious to see who this hitman is.”
Now it was all coming together… and there was more to it than I first thought. I was to be the first shot in a war.
No, I was to be the first bullet.
“Are you all right, Rico?”
“Yeah, just trying to think through that all.” I forced a laugh. “Seems like we should just let it happen; in the end, that will mean less criminals.”
“I don’t see it that way,” she said quite seriously. She then paused for a moment, and it looked like she was almost to tears.
Women.
“My mother and father were killed by the Randatti criminal syndicate,” she told me, “My father was a good man, and that just put him in the way of local criminal activities. So, they did away with him and the law here was impotent to bring any justice. Part of me would love to see Randatti destroyed, but Corloni is just more of the same– and things will only be worse if one dominates.
“I want Senator Gredler alive… and I want him arrested. That the only way to start bringing real justice to these criminals who have gone unconfronted for so long.”
Diane was in way over her head if she thought she could make that happen. As for me, now that I had even more answers that I bargained for, I felt more lost than I ever had in my life.
The rest of the night was me forcing regular chit-chat while trying very hard to keep acting normal; I can’t remember too much of it. The food was full of beans and cheese, though.
NEXT
Why? WHY? Why?
I want to know why? WHY? Why Sen Harry Reid wants to investigate Bush’s vacation while the entire congress was “in recess” and had to be called of the playground and back to Washington by guess who, that’s right, somebody, I don’t know who, probably somebody the President gave the congressional phone list to.
I want to know why? WHY? Why weren’t they already in Washington waiting for the President to call their work number? Which you just know the person who actually did the calling did call first, I mean it was a DISASTER fercryingoutloud.
I want to know why? WHY? Why didn’t the New Orleans city council get those ‘you are own your own’ DVD’s out there into the hands of those who needed them. These people were under the delusion their local officials had a plan to help them evacuate. Knowlege that they had been cut adrift would have helped them I’m sure. Besides I’ve seen several NO residents carrying brand new DVD players acquired at consideralble discount at some sort of disaster clearance. They can watch them on thier new flatscreen TV’s too as soon as power is restored.
I want to know why? WHY? Why did so many people stay to take care of pets when they (the pets) could be a valuable source of fresh meat at the shelters.
I want to know why? WHY? Why is everybody on the left saying somebody should do something about the persons responsible for doing something as late as something got done? Shouldn;t they be doing something instead of blame gaming and fault finding? Does firing the head of FEMA make any sense mid emergency? Who would they drop in his place? Al Franken? Sean Penn?
I want to know why? WHY? Why am I expecting the left to act sane in the midst of all this? Why haven’t I learned that the rule of the left is this. Don’t do what you did. Do what you didn’t do so they can demand to know why you didn’t do what it was that you actually did.
Fun Trivia
I’m Just Tossing Out Ideas Here
Senator Harry Reid wants to investigate Bush’s vacation in relation to Hurricane Katrina. Were a pro-wrestler to run up behind him and knock him unconcious with a metal folding chair when he made an announcement like that, ever think of how much tax money we would save?
Liberals Surrounded by Corpses Whisper “I See Political Opportunity”
Congratulations, liberals, you finally succeeded in pissing me off.
I try not to get angry by politics; it’s an inevitable thing in life and I’m not funny when I’m mad. But, the liberals’ reaction to the disaster in New Orleans have finally pushed me to the point where I must vent. Instead of concentrating on being funny, I’m just going to concentrate on not swearing.
The left officially are now a bunch of ghouls feeding on carrion. That is what they’ve been reduced to. I guess it’s been a steady progression since 9/11 when the country got mugged and it seemed liberalism would never be back in fashion. It first started to show during the war in Iraq when they began their American death count, gleefully waiting for it to reach 1,000 so they could shout that number. Then there’s their wacky dead civilian math (when did their 100,000 Iraqis civilians dead number first turn up, and has it ever changed?). Now, we have a huge natural tragedy happen in New Orleans, and their practically peeing their pants with glee at the death and misery.
“It could be more than 10,000 dead – that more killed than 9/11! And we can blame it on Bush! It’s the best thing ever!”
I’ve had it. I want to grab these people and smack them around until I’m too tied to move anymore. I want them out of the country. I don’t want them sharing the name “American” with me.
Okay, I have a lot to say, and it’s hard to shove it together. Let’s try bullet points.
FRANK J. FLEMING’S LIST OF THINGS HE WANTS ALL LIBERALS TO HEAR
* Stop pretending you care about troop deaths. We know all they mean to you is less Bush voters and ammunition you can use against what they died fighting for. When you go on weeping you crocodile tears about the military dead, all you are doing is being the terrorist front line troops trying to weaken the American people’s resolve. It’s just too bad that on this battlefield we can’t shoot you. (If, God forbid, something happened to my brother, and I saw his death used like that of Casey Sheehan, I will consider the shooting option).
* Stop pretending you care about Iraqis. You need them to fail and fail spectacularly so you can prove Bush wrong. Happy Iraqis means sad liberals. Any who express positive attitudes by America I’m sure you hope will be killed by the “insurgents.” That more dead you can pretend to care about!
* Stop pretending you care about the people in New Orleans. While normal people looked on in growing horror, all you saw was your new Downing Street Memo, your new Cindy Sheehan, your new attempt to discredit Bush. I don’t know who is most at fault for the failure in the disaster being handled appropriately, but that’s not the point because it’s not the point to you. You think you can pin this on Bush, and that’s all you care about. The bigger the number of dead, the better for you. And damn you racist bastards for trying to trying to inject the issue of race into what’s already a horribly tragedy. I know you think black people are a bunch of idiots you can anger when you need votes, but that going to bite you the ass one of these days.
* Stop pretending you care about anyone. You people frustrated from being out of power that your minds are warped such that everything is politics to you. You can’t see the forest through the trees anymore. You’re just rats in a cage clawing and gnashing at whatever you can get a grip of. You no longer have regular human compassion (the “sheeple” are just the masses you need to convince of your own twisted viewpoints), and you people need mental help. Seriously.
* Stop threatening to leave and just leave. There are plenty of socialist countries where you nutcases can fit in. They may not have as generous immigration policies as America, but, in the least, you can sneak across the unguarded border into Canada.
Were Republicans ever this bad during the Clinton years? I remember some nutty stuff, but we were always Americans before a party member.
And speaking of Clinton, have you seen how Hillary Clinton is jumping on the New Orleans disaster, her eyes so set on 2008 she’s walking into walls? She’s scum, nothing more. And so are the rest of you liberals trying to make political platforms out of dead people. I can just see you guys digging up the bodies of troops and hurricane victims so you can wave them around at campaign events in 2006. A more serious society would run you out of here or lock you in asylums where you can shout your repetitive anti-Bush slogans at padded walls.
I might apologize for some of this later; it’s a big disaster out there and I’m a bit emotional – like a how a normal human being is affected so many images of death and depravity. I know hope will follow eventually; the greatness of the people in America always outshines the scum out there. But part of that hope is that we can actually get rid of the ghouls festering in our society right now. They should not be put up with as normal political opponents. They’re diseased individuals and should be dealt with as so.
There, I’m done.
Random thoughts
I’ve been thinking a lot about the Mariott Courtyard hotel I stayed at this weekend in Shermer, Illinois.
Two things come to mind:
- They sell bottled iced tea for a buck and a half in the vending machines. But if you swipe a handful of teabags from the honor bar, put them in the coffee pot in the room boil water with it, and then dump it into a bucket of ice – free fresh iced tea!
This has nothing with me being Jewish or cheap or miserly or unwealthy. I just like swiping things from honor bars. (Every try to put a brass barstool in an overhead luggage compartment?) - The doors all had safety latches on the inside that you could flip out to keep the door open:
But the brass latch fixture digs into the wood of the door.
Why isn’t there some kind of latch-shield to protect the door against constant bumping and slamming against this this fixture? You’d think they’d want the doors to look nice and pretty.
Anyway, just two random thoughts.
PS:
Oh, and this is the dessert I didn’t eat:
I ate more green beans and assorted raw vegetables instead. Because they’re Mother Nature’s idea of a snack, and Sarah Lee is a dirty slut whore friend of the Devil!
The Disaster in New Orleans Is Entirely Bush’s Fault
An Editorial by Hurricane Katrina
A great disaster has struck the fair city of New Orleans. While we recover, it is important to reflect on why this disaster was so large in magnitude. A lot of blame is now being thrown around – primarily by the neocons – and some are even blaming me! But, take it from someone who was there at ground zero, this disaster is entirely the fault of pResident Bush.
“Bush was fiddling while Rome burned.”
The amount of levels on which Chimpy allowed (caused?) this disaster to happen is so staggering I don’t understand why him and the rest of BushCo haven’t been run out of office already. Now, before anyone thinks I’m trying to pass the buck, you should understand I only aspired to be a fluffy cloud floating over North America, but Shrub had other plans. He wanted me to be a hurricane, as evident by him not signing the Kyoto Treaty! Because of him, we have global warming, and, when you have global warming, things happen! Things like hurricanes!
So, first Chimpy causes me to go all Category 4 on New Orleans when I just wanted to cool everybody down with a light shower, but does he at least help evacuate the people when he knew disaster was coming? No, he stayed on vacation! I guess he was too busy playing cowboy to help evacuate people. Before anyone starts to think that this should have been done by New Orleans or Louisiana, remember that those are local governments, while Shrub (unfortunately) is in charge of the federal government. The federal government is much bigger and should have been able to help those people… if it only tried!
Plus, the disaster would not have been so bad if only the levees had held, and they would have if BushCo had only reinforced them! I’m sure Mayor Ray Nagin has asked him, but, even if he hadn’t, a real president should know these things!
After this disaster caused by Bush had struck, I was unable to stay and help (which I really wanted to do). But, when I looked to the news expecting to see the pResident springing to action, he was instead playing guitar and eating cake with John McCain! Chimpy was literally fiddling while Rome burned!
There still could have been some rescue after the flooding, but Bush had entirely defunded FEMA the day before I struck! Also, there was no one there to mount a rescue since almost all of the National Guard is in Iraq along with every helicopter! I guess war for oil is more important to BushCo than saving people’s lives! Well, good luck finding a place to ship your oil to, Chimpy, now that there is no Gulf Coast!
To some, it may seem like the deaths of New Orleans were all caused by Bush’s incompetence, but, in reality, BusHitler wanted them to happen! He designed this whole disaster to kill black people! I even have sources that tell me he destroyed the levees on purpose right after telling all black people to go to the Superdome – Chimpy’s own special concentration camp! If you don’t believe me, you need to open your eyes!
I can’t help but think that if Diebold hadn’t rigged the voting in Ohio and today we had President Kerry, this never would have happened. He wouldn’t allow a hurricane to hit New Orleans since he served in Vietnam! Instead, we’re stuck with Mr. AWOL who is too busy killing people for oil and hating the blacks! I may not be a citizen of the United States, but I will help start the move to finally impeach BusHitler who never got the job honestly in the first place!
Hurricane Katrina was a hurricane that had briefly reach Category 5 levels while over the Gulf of Mexico and is currently an activist for MoveOn.org. This editorial was reprinted with permission from The Huffington Post.
It’s Nice to Inspire Other Things than Riots
My classic IMAO post about the Homeland Security Alert Levels is now being made into instructional videos!