According to The Washington Times, my editorial about killing all Arab children was a satire… or at least “satirical.” If the MSM says so, I don’t want some little pajamas-wearing blogger to declare otherwise.
And kudos to the Times for mentioning the book. The whole point of this was to get the book mentioned, something CAIR failed to do.
(hat tip to reader Keith)
Archive of entries posted on December 2006
Oh great. Now Frank will blame everything on the Jewish Cabal.
Judith Regan, the ex-publisher who thought it would be a great idea to pay a murderer millions of dollars in advance for a book “confessing” to his murders, apparently thought that the problems she was having were all the fault of…
“‘Of all people, the Jews should know about ganging up, finding common enemies and telling the big lie,'” Ms. Regan said, according to the notes Mr. Jackson made as the conversation unfolded; the notes were provided by Gary Ginsberg, an executive vice president of News Corporation.
According to the notes, Ms. Regan then said that the literary agent Esther Newberg; HarperCollins’ executive editor, David Hirshey; HarperCollins’ president, Jane Friedman; and Mr. Jackson “constitute a Jewish cabal against her.”
That’s right. A Jewish Cabal.
Or was it?
A lawyer for Ms. Regan, Bert Fields, denied Monday that she had said there was a “Jewish cabal against her,” saying that she had used only the word “cabal” in the conversation, and that was done in response to Mr. Jackson’s using the word in a question to her. But Mr. Fields acknowledged that during the heated conversation by phone last Friday, she had made some version of the first statement, drawing attention to the fact that her boss and others involved in the controversy over the aborted O. J. Simpson project were Jewish.
So it was just a cabal… an ordinary, run-of-the-mill, everyday cabal that you’d find most anywhere, like at a dice game in the alley or swiping tables from sidewalk cafes.
Not that there’s anything wrong with accusing a group of Jews stopping you from paying a murderer millions of dollars in advance to write a book “confessing” to his murders, mind you.
After all, her hired legal representative doesn’t think so, right?
He denied, though, that this reflected any anti-Semitism. “There is nothing insulting to Jewish people in saying that Jews should particularly understand what it is to be victims of the big lie,” Mr. Fields said. “They were looking for an excuse to fire her, and they fired her, and called it anti-Semitic. It ain’t anti-Semitic.”
So calling a group of Jews stopping you from paying a murder millions of dollars in advance to write a book “confessing” to his murders isn’t anti-Semitic?
I guess then it’s anti-Semitic if you actually call them a Jewish cabal out-and-out, right?
And, Mr. Fields said, even if she had said “Jewish cabal,” that would not have been anti-Semitic. “I want to make it clear that had she said it, even that is not an anti-Semitic remark,” he said. “Had she said it, I wouldn’t be offended, as a Jew.”
Well, I’m glad that’s settled to your satisfaction, Chief Rabbi Fields. Let’s go ahead and just shut down the ADL and Museum of Tolerance now that we’ve set the bar so low based on your wisdom.
Me, I’m so glad that sheeny shyster isn’t disturbed by the term “Jewish Cabal” or other formerly anti-Semitic slurs. Now people like him can join the rest of us in focusing on sniffing for gold with our gigantic schnozz, stealing Arab babies to drain them for their blood, and inventing crack and AIDS to thin out the black population.
Of course, now that “Jewish Cabal” isn’t considered an anti-Semitic term, we’re going to be hearing a whole lot more of it, and we’d better be prepared for it.
I mean, just around here, I keep hearing “That dumb Jewish cabal keeps sneaking gluten in my food” and “I wish that Jewish cabal would stop using up our bandwidth quota” and “Oh, great… we’re stuck watching the Dolphins… who programs this schedule, a Jewish cabal?” or “Why am I having to publish my great book through NTM Publishing… is a Jewish cabal keeping me from talking to the big-time publishing houses?”
Now if only we could free up that n-word the blacks stole from us. (We Jews invented that one, too, you know. Should have never let the trademark expire on that thing.)
“Frank J., Stop Making Fun of the Retarded Kids!”
Someone should pass on my previous post to those monkeys pounding away at typewriters at Pandagon to see if can write a few thousand pages on whether it’s Swiftian satire or further proof I want to kill all Muslim children.
BTW, I think one could live a thousand life times and still not have enough time to properly ridicule Jimmy Carter.
Originally, the Foreword Was to Be Written by David Duke, But He Didn’t Want to Be Associated with Such a Loser
A lot of people like me who defended Mel Gibson when The Passion of the Christ and answered charges of anti-Semetism against him with, “That’s simply propaganda of the dirty joooos!” felt pretty foolish when we found out that Gibson really is an anti-Semite. With Jimmy Carter, it was a bit different. I always knew he was the human embodiment of failure and so dumb he should probably wear a helmet at all times, but I just didn’t expect anti-Semite. He was just supposed to be that loveable moron we like to pick on, not evil. So, I am surprised to see him ranting about Jewish organization trying to keep him and his new book down and how “university campuses with high Jewish enrollment” (apparently his new bugaboo) won’t let him speak.
So, do you think he actually researches the enrollment of colleges or just exclaims, “It must be because they’re full of joooos!” when he’s refused a speaking engagement?
I think the answer is pretty obvious.
Still, I should have seen the signs of Jimmy Carter being an anti-Semite even sooner. It ends up, the title of his book, Peace, Not Apartheid, comparing Palestinians murdering Jewish children to blacks being refused the vote in South Africa, was the least offensive of the titles he submitted. Just look at the ones that were rejected:
TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES TO CARTER’S BOOK
10. “If the Jews Really Want Peace, Why Won’t They All Just Die?”
9. “Throw the Jew Down the Well So the Palestinians Can Be Free”
8. “Peace, Not Nazi-Jew Bastards”
7. “I Know How the Palestinians Feel Because I Was Attacked and Raped by a Jew Rabbit”
6. “The Sea Is the Jews’ Actual Homeland and Why They Should All Should Return There by Pushing”
5. “The Jews Are Killing the Palestinians Just Like They Did Jesus”
4. “I’m Anti-Zionist, Not Anti-Semite, You Stupid Jew”
3. “There Would Be Peace in the Middle East if It Weren’t for University Campuses with High Jewish Enrollment”
2. “Buy This Book Before the Jews Steal All Your Money!”
And the number one rejected title to Carter’s book is…
Kofi’s Love Nest
Dear Yasser,
Damn that Claudia Rosett!
She discovered our private little love-nest on Roosevelt Island!
When Mark Malloch Brown handed me the New York Sun this morning, I thought he was joking. “I only read the New York Times and The Guardian,” I said.
“Read it,” he said.
And I did… all those things she dug up…
At least she didn’t uncover the crystal meth lab, the teenaged prostitute slave pens, and the mosque full of explosives.
Thank God I took your advice to put all the leases under “K Annan.” I mean, Kojo or Kobina or Kuku or Koko or Kookla or Kringle or Kingfisher all could have signed that lease, for all they know.
Of course, taking your advice on investing in Gaza, that’s another story. I swear, I couldn’t have wasted that money faster if I had burned it.
Disney built their new theme park in China, not Gaza, you old liar!
I guess that’s why I love you so much, even if you’re dead.
Anyway, I guess I’m going to have to give up our love-nest on Roosevelt Island now. Kobina’s going to dismantle the ceiling mirrors and the camcorders and the hot tub so I can take them back to the Ghana goat-farm. Kobina insists on keeping the jelly-fist collection, though.
Then there’s the matter of revenge against this Claudia vermin. At first, I wrote up a letter of condemnation, but that wasn’t enough, so I had it translated into the five official languages of the organization before shredding all the copies.
I yelled for the commander of peacekeeping forces that I wanted to have her killed, or at least roughed up.
“Sorry,” he said, “all of our best murderers, rapists, and thieves are already deployed in Haiti and Congo. We haven’t one to spare.”
“Not one?” I asked.
“Well, we do have a few left over that we were going to send to the Golan,” he said.
“We can’t spare those,” I said. “I’d been planning a crime spree among the Jewish wineries there.”
I’d drilled the thugs for the Golan myself – they were going to stomp the Jews and yell “Now you know how your oppression feels to the occupied grapes of this Islamic Holy Land!”
I think I’m just going to switch license plates with her and make her pay all the parking fines I’ve accumulated in the last twenty years.
When I last checked, she’ll need to dig up the GDP of Finland to get her license back.
Love,
Kofi
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) Who shot Mr. Burns?
2) In “Cape Feare”, who wrote the note “I kill you scum” to Bart?
3) In “Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington”, who is the Patriotism editor of Reading Digest?
4) The cat Snowball I was run over by what brand of car?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
The J’s: Wii Madness!
Thought of the Day
When the pallbearers carry Joe Barbera’s coffin to the gravesite, will they pass the same headstone over and over again?
Today’s Simpsons Trivia
1) Who says “Are you ready to get Duffed?”
2) Who is forced to walk down the street with his pants around his ankles for all to see?
3) Which immigrant in Springfield actually got deported once?
4) According to Grampa, he had to use the word “dickety” because the Kaiser stole what word?
Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.
Watch Them Furrow the Brows of Their Dumb Monkey Faces as They Try and Understand Humor
If you want some hilarity, watch these pedantic idiots debate in the comments whether my piece about killing Arab children is officially satire (here and here). It makes you wonder if morons have ever seen any actual humor in their lives. Sure, they probably laugh like hyenas “laugh” when someone compares Bush to a chimp, but it’s just beyond my imagination that people who spend so much time navel gazing about an absurd blog post are capable of an actual form of humor.
Here is basically Amanda of Pandagon’s argument:
“When, in The Three Stooges, the rich man was hit in the face with a pie, that would only constitute actual satire if Moe threw the pie with the intention of condemning the idea of preemptive strikes, otherwise he really is for killing Muslim children.”
These people are so clueless, I just want to grab them by the neck and shake them until they get some sense… or, at least, become unconscious. Just look how many comments they wrote over some of the dumbest and most obvious jokes. It even says on my post that the whole point of it was to try and generate controversy. Can I spell things out for people anymore than that? It’s like these people are standing around watching a fish flop around on a beach while debating what nature of horse it is. Hello!
What fed the flames here is that Captain Ed compared me to Swift. I’m nothing like Swift, though, and I have no desire to be. Have you read “A Modest Proposal”? Sure, it’s clever and smartly written, but it’s not laugh out loud funny. Also, it’s very long. See, I write dumb humor to make people with short attention spans laugh out loud, not smart satire that merits a few chuckles and get you to exclaim, “That was so marvelously clever!” In that way, I aim much more for The Three Stooges than Jonathan Swift (Full Disclosure: I don’t recall having ever actually watched The Three Stooges, but my understanding is the program is not very cerebral. I did read “A Modest Proposal” back in my junior year of high school and remember being impressed by it if not particularly tickled). Thus, if you’re missing the humor at IMAO, you’re looking far too hard for it.
Or it’s just not your cup of tea. Some people find Carrot Top funny, God bless ’em; we just don’t all share the same sense of humor.
Well, so far my attempt to create controversy to promote my book has shut down one unrelated blogger and caused a bunch liberals to droll on endlessly about the nature of “satire.” Considering what they might have been doing otherwise, we can consider the second one a plus.
Christmas Carnival of the Cats
Since I have nothing better to do on Christmas Eve than go out and destroy Nativity scenes and file lawsuits against the local government for putting up Christian holiday symbols without including corresponding Jewish holiday icons, the 144th Carnival of the Cats is heading overhere to IMAO on Christmas Eve 2006.
To join, just send your catblogging URL to submissions (at) carnivalofthecats.com or use The Carnival Submission Form.
The more cats participating, the less time I will have to spend with my Jewish friends and family with law degrees.
If you’re really nice, I’ll fire up some streaming video of the Yule Litterbox again.
If Muslims Want to Improve Their Image, More of Them Need to Be Violent
An Editorial by Frank J.
Creating a controversy is hard. I’ve noticed that when people like Ann Coulter have a book out, they say something really controversial to get on TV. Thus, in my last editorial, I took the position that we should kill all Arab children in the hopes people would condemn me and thus I’d get free publicity for my new book.
No one said a thing.
But some other blogger simply quotes my editorial and he gets condemned by CAIR until he’s shut down. Now CAIR is crowing about how they got rid of the guy who quoted me (they even have a screenshot of the offending post that got them in an uproar where 90% of it is an excerpt of my editorial), but they are completely ignoring me. They claim to be on the lookout for more “hate sites” in Florida, but here I am with my hate site. And it is a hate site because I hate CAIR. They’re a bunch of little whiny goobers who make a big uproar anytime a Muslim is looked at funny but have nothing to say for the countless evils being perpetrated by Muslims all over the world as you read this.
“The violent idiots are always going to dominate the news even if they are a small percentage, so the obvious tactic is to gain positive coverage with more acts of violence.”
So, obviously, it’s up to me to help Muslims in their PR crisis which is only made worse by the terrorists sympathizers at CAIR. The thing is, it’s really not that hard to be liked in America, but it’s all about actions. If the new chair for the House Intelligence Committee can’t be bothered to know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite, you can’t expect the average America to actually study the intricacies of the Muslim faith to determine whether Islam really is a peaceful religion. Instead, we’re going to judge Islam on what we see, and what we see right now are a bunch of violent morons happily stuck in the seventh century as they kill innocent people and each other and others whining about how people judge Muslims harshly because all the Muslims people see on TV are either violent morons or those whining about how people judge Muslims harshly.
With that as the status quo, people are going to just naturally be suspicious of Muslims, and more whining about the situation will only make it worse. This situation will be easy to fix if Muslims just take my advice.
First off, no whining. Ever. And I mean ever. It doesn’t matter how horribly you’ve been treated, don’t whine about it. Americans hate injustice, but we hate whiners even more. If you’re Muslim and get interviewed about something, never talk about anything other than how much you hate terrorists:
REPORTER: Are you disturbed about the new airline regulations that all Muslims must now be handcuffed to their seats on all airline flights?
MUSLIM: Why are you asking me about something so insignificant as airline regulations when there are terrorists out there in need of killing? Why don’t you trade that camera in for a rifle and shoot some terrorists yourself and stop being so useless?
Currently, when an American sees a Muslim, he’s likely to think, “Hey! He’s either a terrorist or a whiner! I hope he gets treated horribly!” But, if Muslims take my advice, then Americans are likely to think, “That Muslim could be one of those guys I’ve seen on TV who really really hates Muslims. I should be nice to him.” So, by not whining about bad treatment and focusing on Americans’ real concerns, Muslims can get themselves better treatment.
Of course, the biggest PR problem for Muslims are all those murderous ‘tards and the murderous Muslim governments. Some say Muslims should be as peaceful as possible to combat this image, but that’s really stupid. The violent idiots are always going to dominate the news even if they are a small percentage, so the obvious tactic is to gain positive coverage with more acts of violence.
It’s important to remember that Americans love violence… but not random violence to nice people. Look at this typical exchange you will often hear in America:
AMERICAN1: A man was beaten to death with a baseball bat!
AMERICAN2: That’s horrible!
AMERICAN1: But the man beaten to death molested children.
AMERICAN2: Oh! Awesome!
American love to see horrible violence perpetrated against bad people. Watch any action film and see what happens to the bad guy in the end; American are always disappointed by the end of a film if the bad guy isn’t killed in some horrible way.
Thus, Muslims can use violence to get Americans to like them. If numerous Muslims just killed terrorists with the furor they often kill Jewish children and woman who have been raped, people would say, “Hey! Those Muslims are awesome!” What Muslims really need to get on TV is the image of some guy being dragged out of a mosque and then ripped apart limb from limb. And, when reporters ask why, the perpetrators would say, “We found out this guy was planning to blow up a daycare center, so we murdered him until there was nothing left to murder!” If Americans saw that, they’d be like, “Wow! Those guys rock! I want to buy them all a round of beer!” If Palestinians bashed a couple guys heads in with rocks and we then found out the reason for that is because the murdered were planning to kill Jews, Americans would say, “Those Palestinians there have their heads on straight. They should get their own state… maybe Syria.”
It’s that simple. If Muslims only ever talk about how much they hate terrorists and have numerous bloody spectacles of them killing terrorists, then it will become really cool to be a Muslim in America. Organization like CAIR that promote whining and sympathizing with terrorists only get people to be suspicious of Muslims, and it’s really working. In fact, if you’re Muslim, please don’t e-mail me about this editorial because you scare me.
Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as “The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam” and “Violence Is Aerobic: How I Lost Fifty Pounds Beating Muggers to Death”.
Book Note
It’s probably too late to order from NTM Publishing and get it by Christmas, so, if you really want it before then, you better order from a place like Amazon.com and get the express shipping. If not in a rush, we still have the lowest prices (and the only place to get a signed copy with money going to Spirit of America).
When People Don’t Get Punched in Their Dumb Monkey Faces, This Happens
John Hawkins has the top 40 obnoxious quotes of 2006, and there are some doozies.
Then again, 2006 ain’t over yet.
Cat Attack!
I was in the middle of making a special autograph in The Chronicles of Dubya book for Mary Katharine Ham (who is currently in the middle of the Espicopal Church breakup) when my stupid gray monkey cat freaked out for no reason and pounced the two of us. I hope MKH will appreciate that her book autograph will be the only one with an official cat claw mark of approval.
Rowdi never freaks out for no reason. Dogs only freak out for good reasons, such as an overturned trashcan across the street that she’s never seen before.