I was in the kitchen washing walls, caulking, spackling, taping–the norm–last night, so I was too busy to write about AI. If I remember correctly, LaKisha was the worst of the bunch, and I agreed with what the judges said. Granted, before she sang, I was saying to Frank, “Eh, this is the most uninspiring night yet. It’s boring without Gina, and I don’t even have Haley’s Hoo-hah to hate on, so I probably won’t even blog it at all.” Then I heard that Kiki was going to sing “Jesus Take the Wheel”. Ok, first off, that’s the song that went through my head on 2/26/07 when I had my spinout on I-95 and almost got flattened by a spinout. I’m not lying, instead of a gospel hymn like “Paradise Valley” or “We Shall Assemble”, I got Carrie Underwood in my head. And now Kiki wants to go ruin my epiphany-life-change song? It’s a good thing I didn’t see the swinging knockers while listening to her butchering of it, or I would have to start withholding that number.
Anyway, we’re on our way out the door to Bible study, peeps, so here’s my quick order, from what I can remember. It was a better night than usual, but it was still not worth leaving the kitchen for. Ouch. I can’t even remember all their names. That’s gotta sting, kids.
Jordin, but she did have some pitch problems. I guess I wasn’t jumping up and down since I’ve done better on that song. Not many times, and I probably couldn’t do better in front of millions of viewers on this week in history on that stage, but I’m a harsh critic. Oh, but she’s only 17. Hey, I put her in 1st place, what do y’all want?
Melinda
Blake
Phil
Chris
Sanjaya
LaKisha
Going home? Chris.
Archive of entries posted on 18th April 2007
State of the Frank Report
This is the part of the blog where I write about my day for those interested.
“Why haven’t you killed the monkey?”
“Why haven’t you killed Aquaman?”
“Why haven’t you nuked the moon?”
“Shouldn’t you be working on killing the monkey now?”
“When are going to write another ‘Know Thy Enemy’?”
My wife’s questions were beginning to vex me. “While Aquaman is watching me, it’s too risky to take on the monkey. Also, Aquaman is using his vote at the Justice League to keep me from nuking the moon. So, when I take care of Aquaman, I can nuke the moon and kill the monkey.”
SarahK practiced throwing her kitchen knife at a dartboard. “You’re going to put the monkey on the moon?”
I set down my soldering iron. “No; that’s completely separate. I’ll devise some other scheme later to take care of the monkey.”
“What’s wrong with that box trap you made?”
“The monkey is obviously too smart for that seeing how he outsmarted me the other day.”
She laughed that mocking laughs of hers, and I felt my soul shrink. “That doesn’t mean he’s very smart; the dog outsmarted you earlier today.”
Rowdi sat nearby still wearing my hat, her tongue hanging out both to help regulate her body temperature and to ridicule me. The dog would gets hers after Aquaman and the monkey.
“So what are you making there?” SarahK asked.
“It’s basically a powerful signal broadcaster.” I soldered a few more wires. “It’s far too complex for a woman’s brain to comprehend.”
“Whatever; I’m getting annoyed by all this.” She flung a steak knife across the room, hitting the dartboard dead center. “Why don’t I just kill the monkey for you so it actually gets done.”
“No!” I pounded the table with my fist. “It’s my kill! I don’t need you killing my monkeys, woman!”
“You’re a silly billy.” She pulled out a gun and shot the dartboard. “If I see any monkeys, I’m going to kill them. That’s my policy… same as with the homeless.”
I just grunted and continued my work. The most ingenious superhero death was almost ready.
Tomorrow Aquaman dies.
Frank’s Words of Wisdom
If I had to put my finger on the main thing wrong with society today, it’s that we don’t make use of rockets enough to solve our daily problems.
If you need to put a bow tie on an aardvark, make sure to set aside at least an hour.
They say let sleeping dogs lie, but kicking the small ones is cheap entertainment.
Its a fact of life that people are going to try to stab you.
Babies know the content of your soul. That’s why they cry.
Ugly people are not worth talking to.
The faster you drive, the quicker you’ll sober.
You can survive for about 36 days on just Tootsie Pops and Mountain Dew. After that, subjects tend to have organ failure.
Catching a machete thrown at you is about as hard as it looks.
No argument can beat a hammer.
Liberals aren’t very gung ho on fighting terrorists because secretly they also want to kill gays and the Jews.
Bears only attack the immoral.
Wearing a black ninja outfit and ambushing someone from a tree is not an excuse for sloppy kung fu techniques.